I cant take it anymore.All i ever do is hurt.I have never meet somebody who is so good at hurting,lying, not caring and abusing my head and heart.I am over with this but i don't know what to do leave or get out.Right now there are other things in my life that are going on that it will make worse if i leave him.However i cant do this or be with someone like that anymore.I am very upset and mad at him.HE is and was so mean and cruel at a very emotional important time in my life.HE never stopped to actually care about me or ask if i was ok if i needed anything.He just went and did his things because he needs to.All about him yet he has the nerve to say its about us or me.if it was then he could not do these things or just tell me to get away with statements such as im doing this im sorry i don't have time for you or you are irritating me or you are wasting your time im not paying attention.It is absolutely mind numbing and heartbreaking when he does this all after telling me everything good in the world.When will i ever learn what he is or who he is.He only cares about him.He shows it in so many ways.He disguises it to seem to be other things and when i give him the benefit of the doubt he just hurts me and doesn't do what he says he needs.What he wants.I feel so alone so like a nothing.I don't matter to anyone ,not a single thing a feel is worth anything.If i stay with this guy i will always be unhappy i cant imagine living like this forever.He says and tells me so much but he doesn't do what he says if i try to talk to him he doesn't listen or takes parts of what i say and goes with them.Hard to explain but i went through alot today and he said he would be here since last night he wasn't knowing what i had to do today that would be so hard on me.That emotionally and lovingly i needed him to be there for me.He wasn't he gave me a hard time last night and hurt me.I forgave it.I thought ok he messed up.Today he didn't wish me luck or say ya gonna be ok.Then when he did get there he didn't even ask how i was if i was ok which clearly i wasn't.It hurt i was alone in it.I tried to tell him later.I felt as if i couldn't say anything at all or it would be bad again.The reality of knowing that you aren't worth someones time or caring that everything else is more important and that they will say whatever, is the bottom and so awful.I felt that.Then after i get out of this place this thing i had to do.He just has to do something else and of course its about me and it will help us but then he is impatient and kinda mean to me.I just stared out he window.Now he has me a car waiting just wants to drop me off at home like a pet like i don't matter.If i stopped to talk to him in a parking lot like he did he would say i kept him there,he did not even a week ago.So he asks me says he doesn't want it to be bad or fake so i honestly sincerely with all my heart and kindly tell him how i feel what i want he says oh he does and how he cant do these things anymore and that he understands.So i take that start to feel close again hoping then i go inside he leaves.Says he will call loves me etc.It still hurt i needed him but he deemed something else more important then and his reasons.So i do it .Later 6 hrs later he shows up home never called.I tell him how i feel or try he says sorry.He couldn't help it didn't remember or couldn't do it.He is trying to take on the world.I try to tell him then he absolutely knows how i feel and that i just couldn't take his apology and its me again.He deems it over and now since i called him on how he said he would work it out no more going to sleep mad or upset being apart for days every week.So much more but he said he couldn't didn't want to anymore.Feels the same as me.He does it says he needs to sleep.ALone and that i am irritating him.Blames me for it goes on rudely, cruelly about how long he has bean up ignoring everything i say how i feel counting the amount of times and telling me that because he said so i should have just went away.I tried to remind him reason yes got angry, cried hurt even begged.Its still the same im alone it hurts.WHat about what he said?How can he do that?I didn't keep him up late he didnt come home til2am.Me talking to him for a half an hour was too much and from then til it got to be an hour and half it was my fault now i did it.I know i think he will ignore me for days again and at least be so mean tomorrow.So his being irrational doing things completely different then what he said had nothing to do with it, just me.I'm hurt and i feel no matter what i ever say it will never change.He is never there when i need him.He has been all about himself.He says alot but doesn't do it for the most part.I try to tell him when he will listen but i think he blows it all off.Either angry which i know or not which he isn't listening with his heart.he realization that my life will be this way kills me and i cant, i need more i tried to tel him a honest nice way serious and calm.Why couldn't he get it?Does he even care?I feel so awful lately physically ill emotionally drained like just colasping sometimes always tired never sleep good.He is always worse of than me whatever he does is more strenuous important than me,or what i do.Today however i don't know how he could say that.I feel like just going away i just give up with it all ever going after what i really want especially with him.I don't think it will ever matter.I cant take orders from him yet stand up for myself in this world.He expects that.Its contradicting.I don't think anyone cares it feels so constricting .I give up.I just want to be happy i just want a life.I want to matter i want to treated good.I was up the same amount as him,i just wanted to keep what i thought was good or a change there i was trying.I didn't give up i didn't say f this.
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