Hi:

I'm not sure that tough love is the answer .. at least for right now ..

I'm thinking your friend has suffered enough .. and she needs loving kindness .. and maybe just someone to listen to her ..

We are all sad .. when a relationship ends .. the death of a dream .. that is would go on forever .. and that death requires a bit of grieving .. even if the relationship is bad ..

There are many skilled professionals .. and I would also suggest that you try to refer your friend to one of them ..

They are more qualified than many of us .. who are just sharing ideas .. from our own sad stories ..

Also .. there is a lady on this site .. uwin .. she's a professional .. here to provide help and guidance .. I'd also suggest that you and your friend seek her out .. She is a very wise and kind lady ..

best wishes .. for much success ..

she needs to be told its OKAY to feel upset and mourn a loss. The problem I had was I spent years "sucking it up" with "tough love" because the emotionally abusive husbands don't let you feel emotions. Let her cry, let her be angry and tell its ok NORMAL to feel that way. That she isn't SUPPOSED to just get better quick. Ray said it well that its a death of a lot of things that were supposed to be. I'm really struggling with that myself right now. It is a grieving process for sure.

What your friend needs more than anything now is truth. Only truth will enable her to see life as it really is and then make choices based on what is real. You can be a good listener and if you give advice give it with kindness. But if she asks you what you think about something, you owe it to her to be honest. Be careful not to let bitterness or resentment show in your attitude. Just be there for her. I told my friends to always be very honest with me. I agree with the others, she needs to mourn the loss of her relationship, but if she wants to go back, remind her of why she left in the first place, dont let her forget. Tamra

She needs to see a counselor. You are not a counselor. My best advice is support without guidance.

Thanks for your responses. I should have added more information. She is seeing a counselor--actually, she has two of them, one specifically dealing with abusive relationships. She also goes to a support group. All are helping.

Marie6, I wish she WAS angry! She is just very very sad. Sometimes, when she finds out more things that he did behind her back, she gets mad, but the anger doesn't stay nearly as long as you would think. I'd be SO much more pissed if I were her! But I know not everyone reacts the same way to things, and I get that. She says I am one of the few people (of her friends and family) that understand her and where she is coming from, which is why I just want to continue to do right by her. Tamra, I have been very quick to remind her of what she "lost" as she has a tendency to only look back on the good times, and there were a lot more bad times. The relationship ended because of him cheating on her, not because of the abuse. That more came to light after she left and starting talking to people and realizing that the way he had been treating her was not normal. I dont' know if that makes it harder, because she didn't leave because of the abuse and rather "found out" about it as an after thought? Just some more background info for you. Thanks for all your kind words and thoughts.

Yeah, I was angry and first and now and then I find out more but the anger doesn't last. Its sadness that just has to work its way out as you deal with the loss of what should have been.

I have to say that I did not get realangry, at my spouse. In fact, my friends would get more angry than I did. Some people just deal with stuff differently. Even though I was not totally pissed, I had resolved in my heart never to return to him as long as there was not true change over a long period of time. That's why I say just remind her of the bad times so she does not lie to herself about the reality of the situation. Tamra