I was molested by my natural father for about a year during the period my mother went through relearning how to do everything again. At age 29 she was in a car accident. I began mom in every way even though he had a steady fiance on the side. I played mom to my brothers, cleaned, cooked, was not allowed to play I had to watch them. I was sexually approached by my step brother, my friends father, my baby sitter and a few others though I never attracted it myself. I can honestly say after telling my brother tonight for the first time, that it is still affecting me I believe. I've never been one to blame something on anything. I was taught to own up to everything. If I fail its because I allowed myself to fail, Ive been beating myself up for years infact so much so I barely allow myself my breathe without guilt attached to it. I never came to know who I am or if I had any worth except when I was a mother. Now my kids dont need me and I am back to no idendity again. Being ill I can barely care for myself. My husband does almost everything but being passive aggressive he lets me know I owe him and I pay for it dearly emotionally. My mother died last month and this had turned me upside down. I was her care giver all my life, she was my rescuer, my best friend, my therapist, my everything. All the women are gone in my family now and me the weakling is left. I cant stand on my own two feet because the medication and health issue keep stopping me. Im sick of relying on others and yet I cant rise above the little girl in me that pushes me down so hard I dont know who I am, what feels safe, what is really love though I want to give it intently and I do to others just not me. How do I know if this abuse is playing into my daily life or if its just not trauma upon trauma after that, divorces, spouce abuse, deaths, losing my health, empty nester ect? Any wise advice? I am seeing a therapist but todays therapist believe in living in the here and now..... Desperately Seeking Susan lol
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