It is unfortunate that we have to deal with petty bs like this. I found sometimes its best just to let it roll than endure the arguments. We cannot change others, but we can change ourselves.

How long has this been going on? Is it something that has been happening since you met him and is just getting worse, or is it something that has been triggered out of the blue.

Abusers learn their behavior somewhere, and the most likely "teacher" is a parent. They have a narcissistic personality to start with, and so everything is always about "them" and nobody else, even a spouse or a child, matters. Often this is disguised as in the best interest of someone else, but in the end, it is not.

The reason that these questions are important are that there could be one of two things going on here. If it is an escallation of a long time pattern of abuse, and he is not willing to try therapy then there is NOTHING you can do about it except leave. No amount of groveling, telling him how much you love him, showering him with love and affection will change him in any way. It might make the abuse abade for a while, but watch out, because the first time you slip up, he is likely to totally explode with a tirade worse than anything you have ever seen before.

The other thing that could be happening here, if this abuse has surfaced suddenly, is that he being triggered by something that is resurfacing repressed memories of the the abuse of his father. It could be the departure of your daugter, or something as obscure as a TV show or something that someone said in all innosence. Many abuse survivors suffer from post-traumatic stress (PTSD) or some form of a disassociative identity disorder (DID). Only a trained therapist can diagnose and treat these. THese disorders require medication and/or therapy to safely resurface and deal with the repressed memories.

I know that this leaves you with a couple of very difficult choices. If it is a matter of ongoing and escallatign abuse, no amount of reasoning will make him see that HE is the problem, not you. If it is a sudden onset thing, perhaps you can reason with him, but it needs to happen at a time when he seems open and receptive to talking, not something that comes up in the heat of an argument. It needs to happen at a time when things are running smoothly rather than rough. If you can let him know that you are worried about him because he is so unhappy and that you cannot seem to help him, maybe he should see someone who can.

Most of all, you do not deserve this. This is not your fault. Even if you believe me when I say it, you need to also believe it when you say it. This has been caused by his long history and the cycle of abuse. You are an unwitting victim of this, not the cause. You need to do everything possible to make sure that you become a survivor.