Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've been married for 38 years. There have been some happy times but they have been few and far between. I grew up in a very loving family. My parents were affectionate with each other and with my brother and me.
Shortly after we were married I realized that his family was very different. There was no display of affection from anyone. The mother and father corrected, criticized, and made fun of everybody. My new father-in-law kept telling me I should go to graduate school. This was a recurring theme.
They judged people's worth on how many degrees they had. I lost track of how many master's degrees my husband has. His employer pays for them so he keeps getting them.
I first heard of emotional abuse in the late '70s at a Newcomer's meeting. The speaker was mainly talking about physical abuse but at the end she talked a little about emotional abuse. I sat there thinking, that's me. Oh my God, he's abusing me.
But we had three small children and I had no time to deal with something like that. Then there were all the moves - 12 in all.
The first time I saw a therapist by myself she said she believed I was being emotionally abused after seeing her for several months. Then we moved again.
The subject came up with every therapist but something always interferred. Mostly moving or the kids or my parents. I had to be the "good" wife, the "good" mother, the "good" daughter, the "good" friend, member of the community, member of the church, etc.
Somewhere along the way I lost myself. I looked up the symptoms of emotional abuse and it was like the person who wrote them knew me. I kept nodding as I read.
We're in NJ at our oldest son's for Thanksgiving. Our other son and our daughter and granddaughter are here too. The whole family.
I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and other medical issues. Right now I'm dealing with knee problems and my back is always a problem. The first night were here we went into New York to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. Our son's long time girlfriend is a Rockette.
Almost from the moment we started getting ready my son was at me about not doddling. It may look like doddling but it's really a person in pain who has no energy and so is very slow. He knows this but gives me no leeway because of it.
We were talking about the stage hands strike and the plays that have been affected. One is How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The stage hands were willling to let it go on since it was a limited run but the theater owner said no and closed the theater. My son said that a judge had ruled that it had to go on. Then he said something about it not being a Christmas thing. I thought my son was referring to the owner and I said, "Hello, it's the Grinch who stole Christmas."
My son looked at me as if the moron had spoken and said, "Yes we know that. Let me finish." he was very nasty about it.
Later when we were coming back to his place, we had to run to make a certain train. My husband sent me and my daughter downstairs to the platform and said go on and get a seat.
The staircase let us out on the section of platform farthest from the doors of the train that were open. My husband and both sons were already at the train and my husband said, "What happened did you get on the wrong train?" He had his you-are-such-a-moron smile on his face.
I said no you sent us down the staircase farthest from the train. I was having trouble breathing, I was limping, and my head felt like it would explode. I said to no one in particular, "Just a warning, I'm cranky. When I get this tired and am in this much pain, I get cranky." My son said, "I'm tired too and I'm not announcing to everyone that I'm going to be nasty." His tone was so nasty I felt like I'd been slapped.
I started to cry and cried all the way home. It hit me that the kids saw nothing wrong with talking to me that way. Their dad did. They are just following in his foot steps.
Now what do I do? I'm 58, on disability, unable to work or do much of anything. Why didn't I do something about this a long time ago? Why did it take my son talking to me like that to get my attention?
Help!!!!!!
Shortly after we were married I realized that his family was very different. There was no display of affection from anyone. The mother and father corrected, criticized, and made fun of everybody. My new father-in-law kept telling me I should go to graduate school. This was a recurring theme.
They judged people's worth on how many degrees they had. I lost track of how many master's degrees my husband has. His employer pays for them so he keeps getting them.
I first heard of emotional abuse in the late '70s at a Newcomer's meeting. The speaker was mainly talking about physical abuse but at the end she talked a little about emotional abuse. I sat there thinking, that's me. Oh my God, he's abusing me.
But we had three small children and I had no time to deal with something like that. Then there were all the moves - 12 in all.
The first time I saw a therapist by myself she said she believed I was being emotionally abused after seeing her for several months. Then we moved again.
The subject came up with every therapist but something always interferred. Mostly moving or the kids or my parents. I had to be the "good" wife, the "good" mother, the "good" daughter, the "good" friend, member of the community, member of the church, etc.
Somewhere along the way I lost myself. I looked up the symptoms of emotional abuse and it was like the person who wrote them knew me. I kept nodding as I read.
We're in NJ at our oldest son's for Thanksgiving. Our other son and our daughter and granddaughter are here too. The whole family.
I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and other medical issues. Right now I'm dealing with knee problems and my back is always a problem. The first night were here we went into New York to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. Our son's long time girlfriend is a Rockette.
Almost from the moment we started getting ready my son was at me about not doddling. It may look like doddling but it's really a person in pain who has no energy and so is very slow. He knows this but gives me no leeway because of it.
We were talking about the stage hands strike and the plays that have been affected. One is How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The stage hands were willling to let it go on since it was a limited run but the theater owner said no and closed the theater. My son said that a judge had ruled that it had to go on. Then he said something about it not being a Christmas thing. I thought my son was referring to the owner and I said, "Hello, it's the Grinch who stole Christmas."
My son looked at me as if the moron had spoken and said, "Yes we know that. Let me finish." he was very nasty about it.
Later when we were coming back to his place, we had to run to make a certain train. My husband sent me and my daughter downstairs to the platform and said go on and get a seat.
The staircase let us out on the section of platform farthest from the doors of the train that were open. My husband and both sons were already at the train and my husband said, "What happened did you get on the wrong train?" He had his you-are-such-a-moron smile on his face.
I said no you sent us down the staircase farthest from the train. I was having trouble breathing, I was limping, and my head felt like it would explode. I said to no one in particular, "Just a warning, I'm cranky. When I get this tired and am in this much pain, I get cranky." My son said, "I'm tired too and I'm not announcing to everyone that I'm going to be nasty." His tone was so nasty I felt like I'd been slapped.
I started to cry and cried all the way home. It hit me that the kids saw nothing wrong with talking to me that way. Their dad did. They are just following in his foot steps.
Now what do I do? I'm 58, on disability, unable to work or do much of anything. Why didn't I do something about this a long time ago? Why did it take my son talking to me like that to get my attention?
Help!!!!!!
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
The first thing I can say to you is lose the guilt about not having done something about this sooner - that is counterproductive and will stop you from achieving any healing for the future.
Secondly - congratulations! You have discovered yourself and your sense of self worth, that is something many of us never find.
The good news is that this situation can be improved and with it your health, this is going to take time and a lot of hard work on your side - but it can be done. The stress that living in this type of situation cannot be underestimated and the effects on your health physically and mentally are immense.
You need to look at your assets, you are intelligent, articulate and strong, what hobbies do you have? What do you enjoy doing? Can you do any voluntary work - even from home, for example can you knit - there are always charities looking for people to make things to help. Our local charity shops have a lady who checks jigsaw puzzles, she is housebound so she completes the jigsaws at home and marks the boxes - absolutely brilliant!
Can you study from home - not for the benefit of your husband or your in laws but for yourself, something you have always wanted to do - flower arranging, painting, pottery anything that is yours and yours alone.
Once you begin to do things for yourself than it is time to begin saying "no" for example you do not have to be spoken to like this by your children or your husband. Therefore the next time one of them speaks to you like that simply say "please don't speak to me like that." Do not enter into an argument with them just keep repeating that. They would not dream of speaking to other people like this so why should they speak to you like it? If it helps you can point that out to them - but do not argue - that just upsets you and gives them the power again. Don't be so available to them, say "I'm sorry that is not convenient for me." Or "I have my --------- on that day/time but I will be free on ------- day/time." If you are ill then you don't have to go - this sends the message that you are no longer willing to be manipulated into doing things you are unwilling/able to do. The more you do for yourself the stronger you will become. Expect teddies to be thrown because you are no longer willing to be their punch bag. Simply repeat to yourself "I am doing this for me" when the guilt trips begin and you can bet they will simply do not give in remind yourself that you are doing this for them too as you are breaking a learned pattern of behaviour that will continue on into future generations. If your son criticizes you for how you walk then simply say "if my walking in this way offends you then I will stay at home." Do not cry, they will see this as sign of weakness and it will be dismissed as "oh it's only Mum." Save the tears for private, instead hold your head up and keep thinking that you have friends who care for you and who are besi9de you cheering on every success and hugging you every step of the way. Please feel free to talk to me at any time, I do understand what a battle you have had, I have been there myself. I now act as a speaker and victim advocate which is something I never would have seen myself doing. Keep believing there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is not an oncoming train! Big hugs and lots of love Viv XXXXXXXXXXX
Best of luck and let us/me know how you do!
I felt like I was looking in a mirror as I was reading this. (Not married quite as long, but the rest, the same).
Hang in there!
Love, Morus
http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/