Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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msaishe73 03/30/2011

Ok everyone..so here's where I am in my healing journey.

So I was in an abusive relationship for 11 years. My husband smoked weed, went on seperate vacations, hid money, lied, cheated a few times.

So after he hit me the last time I made him move out. This was January 28th. Two months ago. I was feeling fine and clear until I went to a church service and was told personally that I played a role and that I abused him too. That sent me into a tailspin of guilt. What did I go do? You guessed it.. Went and had sex with him!

So now...we had discussed counseling before he left and after he left. We've never gone. I basically let him back into my heart but I now see the lack of interest he has in being committed to me. This is hard to admit to you all because I feel ashamed but I need to be honest and open so that I can move past this. I have so much going for myself. I'm pretty, nice figure, educated (currently in a Ph.D program), pursuing my dream job to become a teacher, I am independent--own house, I pay my own bills, I am outgoing, I attract men all of the time. Why in the hot ham and cheese does my heart long for this man who is not interested in loving or caring about me?

deleted_user 03/30/2011

Hi Msaishe. I'm sorry you are going through this. I too am in a similar situation. I allowed myself to be sucked in by my ex's promises and lies...forgetting the hell he put me through, so I am back at square one. Why would you believe that you abused him? He is the damaged goods, not you. It is never ok for him to abuse you...period, end of story. Please don't be too hard on yourself for getting back involved with him. A lot of us do it. I am guilty as charged. His rejection may be the best thing for you. You sound like a very well-rounded person, so don't let his rejection make you feel lessened in anyway. Turn it around and think of it as maybe he realized you're too good for him and making you feel bad about yourself is too much work for his weak spirit. Take your determination and move forward sister. He is not worthy of your time, effort, or heart.

deleted_user 03/30/2011

because you have been conditioned that way. Don't feel ashamed. All it is is a change in your security. No matter how bad that security was, it was security nonetheless. You have WWWAAAYYYYY too much going for you to go back. I've been reading your posts and I am so proud of you and for you! The types of abuse that we suffered is hard to get past. You are well on your way to happiness and freedom, don't turn back! It's only been 2 months, before you know it it will have been two years!!! You go girl!!!!

msaishe73 03/30/2011

Thank you Katt....the good thing is that we are still living apart. He has his place and I have mine. (Usually we would have moved back in together by now--we both haven't wanted that) I still haven't made all of the necessary changes but I will. I just hope it doesn't take some big catastrophe for me to do so. I tend to have to get the mud slung in my face before I realize the sand is dirty. Duh? I am praying daily. So I will ask God to give me the strength to do what I need to before I'm hurt again. I know he's not worth any of that. Last night was the first night I cut my phone off before I went to sleep so that I wouldn't wake up checking my phone for text messages from him. I guess that's one step in the right direction. I guess

msaishe73 03/30/2011

crys....I know so deep in my heart that if I get over him my life will be wonderful. This man has drug me down so bad in my life. Yes, I played a role but damn he did me in. I had my own house when we met, car, a good job....the stress took its toll and I let most of it go. I rebuilt over time but its been tough. I'm blessed with good genes because otherwise I'd look old as hell. I am trying so badly to focus on the future. I can't believe I gave this man so much power over me. He didn't have money, good looks, nothing. I just wanted attention. And for some reason I trusted him of all the people. He has not changed very much in his emotional maturity since I started dating him 11 years ago. The only difference is now he keeps a job and he didn't for the first 2 years of our relationships. Otherwise he's still the same. yup.

deleted_user 03/30/2011

I know how you feel. I've often wondered too why I always tend to want the men who treat me bad or don't want me at all while throwning away the ones you do want me. With me I think its got alot to do with my self-esteem. I think things like "Well if he likes ME he must have something wrong with him because I'm not worth anything" and things like that. When someone doesn't like me or treats me bad I am desperate to make them like me because I think they are better than me and I want thier acceptance. I know its crazy to think that an abuser is better than me, but I sometimes think that way. I;m trying to work on it.

You sound like you've got alot of GREAT things going for you and you are very pretty. You deserve a man whos going to love and treat you great. I wish you luck in working on youe issues and hope that when you are ready to be in a relationship again you find a great guy.

msaishe73 03/30/2011

@Steener,
Thank you for your response..yes...I am working to build up my self-esteem. I guess two failed marriages before the age of 37 would tear down anyone's self esteem huh? I stayed in this marriage because I thought no one would want me after being married twice so young and with 3 small kids, and the excess weight that I gained. So those thoughts really tore me down. Funny thing is I went to a birthday party this weekend and two guys hit on me. It was the first time that i actually felt like maybe I can move on with my life. For once I am ok with not being married and simply dating. I've always been one who had to be in a long term relationship to feel whole or something. So yeah that gave me some hope but that's it.

deleted_user 03/30/2011

Msaishe--it will be wonderful!!!! I promise!!! I wish I could show everyone here just how great it is! I've been out for 6 years--it hasn't been easy, but it has been soooo worth it! When I left, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. Now, I am remarried to an amazing man who treats me like a queen, tells me every day of my life I am beautiful and how wonderful I am. We bought a house last year and we just bought me a brand new car. Never in my life have I had these things! But, the "things" aren't as important as the feeling I get every morning when I get up and I KNOW that no one is going to scream at me and that I don't have to be afraid. You've only got a small taste--it gets better and better. It takes time to get over what you've been thru, but you will get there! Hugs!!

deleted_user 03/30/2011

Crys, you are an inspiration. Your positivity gives us all hope. Msaishe, be kind to yourself...because you are the only you there is and you deserve to be happy and treated with respect. We all do.

deleted_user 03/30/2011

Thanks, Katt. If me telling my story helps just ONE woman get out of that hell, then I will shout it from the rooftops!! I know it's scary to leave, it is still the hardest thing I have ever done, but it can be done!!

IleneW 03/30/2011

When we attach to somebody,
that gets imprinted in a very deep
part of the brain. (It's a part of the
brain in the "limbic system." It's
in the same part of the brain that
generate pleasurable biochemicals.)

It's really, really hard to go in and
"delete" that programming.

So we have to make sure that we
can get the other parts of our brain
to remind us that being with this
particular person is actually
destructive or toxic to us, in
the longer-term.

That's what "recovery" means. . .
using all the tools and systems
available to move us away from
attachment to toxic people or
patterns.

Hugs and healing thoughts to
you, Hon.

deleted_user 03/30/2011

hello...
i may not know you're whole history but i will be honest and tell you that i consider you my hero and 'light at the end of the tunnel'! i never thought i'd be in this situation and i've felt ashamed and too afraid to tell anyone cause of their expectations... i too am going for a PhD in physics, i've been with a man who make me feel like the lowest scum on the planet. he has hurt me more in my head than physically. basically i am saying thank you! i am sorry for you but honestly i know it's bad but i'm glad i'm not alone. and to know you got out gives me more hope than you know! thank you

deleted_user 03/31/2011

You deserve better than him hun.All the best.

deleted_user 03/31/2011

lmao hot ham and cheese i love that ima havta use that one but n e way i am sorry u r hurting like u im use to being in long turn relationships i also wonder why we love people who dont give a rats a about us i havent figred that out nor have i figured out why we r hurting when we didnt do anything wrong anything to deserve the heartless treament but i know it will get beter the only difference between me and u besides me not having a degree is i dont have kids with this heartless ahole im married to so i have no reason r tempation to see him i changed all my numbers and emails so it was easier for me but dont be hard on yourself and i am sooo glad those men ht on u because u like the rest of us have taken emtionally blows leaving us wondering was i not good enough for him to respect not hit not lie to not cheat on so it feels good to get another mans attention if if u dont do n e thing about it and to cry1970 thank u sooooo much for sharing we alll need to hear that there is hope out there thanks for sharing u know how it feels to us as we go throough this darkness u really dont feel like it will ever get better it hurts so bad

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