What a great post. I was just htinking about this over the weekend. It is so bizarre. I love talking with him and sharing with him ... I was told by a friend that it wasn't something so good turning bad, it was something that wasn't true, that I believed was good, turned bad. I had said that I was still in love with the person I met a year ago this August and my friend said that I was in love with someone who he wasn't. So I struggle with this as well, how could he be so charming that he seemed so wonderful, but lurking underneath is this beast of a person who is emotionally as well physically abusive ... I think the emotional piece of it is where we all get tied up ... it's the manipulation, the twist of words, the way they "suck" us into the dream world they live in and the dream world we want to be our reality. I am still struggling with this as my wounds are still very fresh, but I can suggest to you to continue to use this website and journal and add friends to your list, it has really helped me... and when times have gotten really tough, I read back through some of my messages and hugs and they have gotten me through my weaker moments. Good luck!

After all this time away i can't say i'm still in love with him, but I certainly was when we were together. Problem is I fell in love with who he presented to me. That wasn't who he was, it was just what he showed me. It's the public face of the animal that abused me. It's the face that everyone else sees. Everyone called him sweet and charming and so nice. And he was. To them. The only person that ever saw the real man was me. The scariest part of this is how i doubted myself for so long afterwards. Why didn't I see it? What was it I missed? Was he really that good at hiding or was I just blind? Finally came to the conclusion that he was just manipulative and I was naive.

Eventually I came to terms with that and moved on.

You are so right about the presentation piece of it ... it makes it hard -- one of his guy buddies even said to me - he's a great guy friend, but as a boyfriend, from the stories I've heard and from what you're telling me now, he really su**s!!!

I hate to hear you say naive, because manipulators are GOOD!!!! That's what 99% of it boils down to, they find our weak spots and go from there - full force!!

To me it is the fact that when you love this person so much and you want to please them, their comments hit you hard. Their thoughts and comments you want to change. I can get so mad at him one minute, and then we calls me I just want to forget about what happened and just move on. I hate that I do that, so recently I have just been ignoring his calls. I was addicted to him because he was there through alot of hard times for me, so I don't love him, I love the relationship, and the support, and the attention, and the fact that I can escape from my problems and go talk to him.

I know what you mean...

I think "Ijustneedtobeloved" hit it on the nail - it's an addiction. They take us away from the pain - these men do. There was a time when I would have forgotten about every responsibility I had just for a man who made me feel good. But that's a lot of power to give to someone - and they can take that feeling away so easily. For me it is the same thing as drinking, taking drugs - spending money. It takes me out of my self-loathing for awhile, which is what all of my addictions did.

Do they find you too?

I'm not attracted to the abusive, controlling, obsessive guy. I know that's my father, so I chose someone kind, gentle and laid back.

But the crazy guys always seem to find me. A sadistic boss or a casual acquaintance who turns into a stalker. They seem to be under every rock! Can they tell I'm vulnerable to their machinations? Like, am I marked or something?

It's been said that there is a fine line between love and hate - that they are not opposites like most people believe. I often find myself feeling bad for the fact that I left my ex with close to nothing and he hasn't been able to hold down a job since, and he's even had to move in with his mother. In the next second I remember what he did to my kids and me and I just want to reach out and strangle him. The bouncing between love, fear, and even hate is not as much of a stretch as many would think.