Self hatred and loathing low self esteem no matter what you get qualifications money etc yep. In good company Van Gogh Napoleon Boswell Cromwell. But I think your great worthwhile hey only one who offered me alibi. Most ppl say forgive and forget or you need help. Be strong and beat the B@@@@@@s Good thoughts coming to you

oh brainwashing, without your good ways we would be so normal...
Seriously though... you have been brainwashed. that is why you have these feelings. your own head in an attempt to reconcile what he was doing to you, as well as his manipulations have left you almost completely brainwashed. Don't hit yourself on the head to hard for this. It's ok. You already said you are getting counseling, so that is a start. Find yourself. that is another step in the right direction. You have a long road to hoe to get back to fine, but you are already on the right path to do it.

I am so happy that you are in counseling. You have probably defined yourself by your marraige and you need help in redefining yourself as a strong, compassionate and beautiful woman. Stay in counseling. If you haven't been screened for depression, that would be warranted by some of the phrases you state here. Keep posting here and know that we are all here for you and each other.

I just want to say that the feelings you are having are very normal in the abused world. I have just been through 10 months of therapy and now have 9 more weeks of group therapy to go. I am feeling a whole lot better, keep up with the counseling you will be amazed how well this can work. I am a prime example of a person who was abused right from the start with parents, not physically but mentally, the counseling showed me how my life of abused started. Knowing this has helped me make sense of everything, not to mention it really makes you aware of other people, you can see the pain and almost know their story. There is hope so don't forget it : ). I found writing in a journal about how I am feeling really helps me deal with things, might be something you try. Another one is to write your abuser a letter telling him exactly how you feel inside, don't have to send it or give it too him but you will be surprised at how this will ease the mind. Well hope this helps you somewhat, just remember your not alone and you can do this : ).

Your feeling are completely normal. We long to stay in the comfort of what we know and not go out into the scary world alone and face the unknown. I have been there. If you can get through it, it does get better and you will see you are better off alone and happier. too.

well, don't beat yourself up so much, apparently he has beat you down to the point of breaking, but must have had some good too, that's why you miss him so...it's a natural course of emotions dear.....you are not stupid and you are lovable.....prayers for only the best for you and for your and for your husband....

from talking to people here on DS wanting your stbx is perfectly normal. I miss my stbx too but we can get through this. I have been doing one thing for me everyday that makes me feel good, and that seems to work really well battling the emotional turmoil I am going through.

It took me 2 years to finaly get over my violent partner and yeh it is definatley BRAINWASHING , and the sad part for me is that i almost took him back after a year and a half my eldest daughter 14 at the time over heared the phone conversation i didn't know this and i was seriosley thinking of letting him back because of the brainwashing and the co-dependancy of it ... My daughter had a brakedown at school over it and the school rang me we had a good cry together and a good talk just to say i never went back, i told her i would never go back and i am keeping my word , but when i got over the first 2 years it became easier and it felt like i was finaly me again and i could see clearley the twisting of my mind, I can not believe now that i even thought or contemplated doing that, it does get easier and you will get past these feelings, you are better out of it DON'T GO BACK ITS NOT WORTH THE HEART ACHE... keep strong and all will go well... all the best and a great big hug for you ... xxxoooxxx luv lesley