Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been posting about my sister's abusive behavior, and I have a question about something she's been doing since we were little. I'm only starting to learn how abusers operate, but I haven't heard this anywhere else, and I was wondering if anyone has had this experience.
Ever since we were very young (I was in Kindergarten or 1st grade), up to the present, she has had a thing about being friends with my friends. I don't mean she just wanted both of us to be friends with the same person, and it wasn't about the little sister wanting to hang out with the big kids. What she wanted to was to hang out with my friends without me, trash me to them, ruin the my friendship with that person, and make them her new best buddy. (I hope this doesn't sound paranoid. It really happened, and I have witnesses. I swear.)
Very often, my friends were initially fine with being her friend, too. That made me very uncomfortable because I knew what she was doing, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to sound paranoid. As I said in my other posts, my sister puts on a very good normalact, so I don't know if anyone would have believed me in the beginning, anyway.
Fortunately, most (but not all) of the time it didn't work. Either my friend got angry/uncomfortable with the things she said about me, told me what happened, and stopped associating with my sister. (I know this because I've heard the same story from my friends many times over the years.) But if I ever had a falling out with a friend, my sister was always on their side, and became their support.
Other times, she would get together with a friend of mine, and then come home and tell they they said some rotten thing about me. There was one time in particular (long story) where she very obviously set up that situation in order destroy what was, then, a new friendship for me.
Oh, and BTW, while this was going on, she was always careful to keep me away from her friends. A lot of the time, I didn't meet them, or even know their names.
Anyway, for whatever reason, she drew the line at doing this with my boyfriends. (I don't if it's because her conscience kicked in, or if it's because she believed that because there were deeper than friendship feelings involved, she didn't think she'd succeed and trying to hook up with my boyfriends would make her look REALLY bad.)
So, instead she had the exact opposite reaction to my boyfriends: She hated them on sight, without any a reason. (I saw this happen when they did nothing to provoke it, and I usually go for nice guys, so I don't think she was reacting to any kind of vibe from them.) No matter how they tried to get along with her, and keep the peace, it didn't work. She was always angry and mean to them. They never got along. Until we broke up that is. Then, again, she suddenly became their supporter. (In one case, she stayed friends with my ex for years after the break-up even though they couldn't stand each other while we were dating).
So, my question is: does anyone else get this? Is this somehow related to abuse, a personality problem, or something else altogether? I've read about abusers needing allies, or isolating, but I'm new to a lot of this, so I don't know if it has anything to do with those, especially since it's my sister, not my husband. Any experiences or opinions would be appreciated.
Thanks and sorry for another long post. I'll learn how to be succinct one of these days. :)
Ever since we were very young (I was in Kindergarten or 1st grade), up to the present, she has had a thing about being friends with my friends. I don't mean she just wanted both of us to be friends with the same person, and it wasn't about the little sister wanting to hang out with the big kids. What she wanted to was to hang out with my friends without me, trash me to them, ruin the my friendship with that person, and make them her new best buddy. (I hope this doesn't sound paranoid. It really happened, and I have witnesses. I swear.)
Very often, my friends were initially fine with being her friend, too. That made me very uncomfortable because I knew what she was doing, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to sound paranoid. As I said in my other posts, my sister puts on a very good normalact, so I don't know if anyone would have believed me in the beginning, anyway.
Fortunately, most (but not all) of the time it didn't work. Either my friend got angry/uncomfortable with the things she said about me, told me what happened, and stopped associating with my sister. (I know this because I've heard the same story from my friends many times over the years.) But if I ever had a falling out with a friend, my sister was always on their side, and became their support.
Other times, she would get together with a friend of mine, and then come home and tell they they said some rotten thing about me. There was one time in particular (long story) where she very obviously set up that situation in order destroy what was, then, a new friendship for me.
Oh, and BTW, while this was going on, she was always careful to keep me away from her friends. A lot of the time, I didn't meet them, or even know their names.
Anyway, for whatever reason, she drew the line at doing this with my boyfriends. (I don't if it's because her conscience kicked in, or if it's because she believed that because there were deeper than friendship feelings involved, she didn't think she'd succeed and trying to hook up with my boyfriends would make her look REALLY bad.)
So, instead she had the exact opposite reaction to my boyfriends: She hated them on sight, without any a reason. (I saw this happen when they did nothing to provoke it, and I usually go for nice guys, so I don't think she was reacting to any kind of vibe from them.) No matter how they tried to get along with her, and keep the peace, it didn't work. She was always angry and mean to them. They never got along. Until we broke up that is. Then, again, she suddenly became their supporter. (In one case, she stayed friends with my ex for years after the break-up even though they couldn't stand each other while we were dating).
So, my question is: does anyone else get this? Is this somehow related to abuse, a personality problem, or something else altogether? I've read about abusers needing allies, or isolating, but I'm new to a lot of this, so I don't know if it has anything to do with those, especially since it's my sister, not my husband. Any experiences or opinions would be appreciated.
Thanks and sorry for another long post. I'll learn how to be succinct one of these days. :)
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
The behavior is certainly not normal. The way it is described here it IS abusive and could likely be associated with a personality disorder.. That takes extensive testing by in order to diagnose properly, but this certainly describes behaviors that are associated with them.
Question (and forgive me for not having read all your posts): Where were your parents in all this? Did she have them won over as well?
I would limit your contact with your sister, mainly because she makes you miserable. These are certainly mean and evil things and do fit within the categories of abuse. Have you been to counseling?
I'm really sorry for such a late response. Things have been a bit crazy here.
revpatty,
My sister does have my parents won over, completely. And like psyc said, she is defintely trying to hurt me. I know I'm not qualified to diagnose, believe me, but the thought of of a personality disorder has more than crossed my mind. I'm about 99% sure I know what I'm dealing with here.
I actually ended my relationship with my sister about 8 months ago. I cut off all contact, and won't answer the phone if her # comes up on caller ID.
But for the last few days, she's been o contacting me by email. She's pregnant, so she says that it's important that I answer if she calls because it could be an emergency. (I told her if she has an emergency she should call 911, not here.)
At first she was polite, though she did say she was sending a CC to my mom, to pressure me. I told her flat out no, and not to contact me again. She responded with a very nasty message (with CCs to my mother and boyfriend).
She's never going to stop. I called my local PD, and asked them if last email she sent is harassment, and they said yes, so I'm going down to file a complaint tomorrow, mainly for backup in case she gets physical again after she has the baby.
(I have one complaint on file from when she threw the scissors at me, and I want documentation in case I have to get an order of protection.)
My parents are telling me I'm crazy, and that if I do that, that "they'll lock me up", so there is no support there. I have been in counseling for anxiety and depression, but I have to get back asap, preferably with someone who specializes in abuse.
I'm sorry for the long self-absorbed rant, considering I'm a new member and haven't contributed much. But I had to tell someone because I feel like they're pushing me over the edge.
Thanks again for the replies.