I try everyday to be positive, but everyday I get dropped to the floor and kicked. Im just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Fire Fighting helps a little but that is also part of my problems. Having to see things that no one should have to see. Having to pull a dead child from a car or fire, all that but I still love the job. Thats how I got diagnosed with PTSD. I was robbed of my child hood. Mentally and physically abused from age 2 to 13 by my ex step dad. What hurts the most is that I have a brother and a sister and this man decided I was the black sheep and I was the only one he beat the shit out of. How do explain black eyes bruises broken nose to people, and get teased at school for it at those early of an age? And to cry out to your mother for help and she turns her head. Its different now, I have forgiven her, I think. I have severe abdominal pain and I throw up all the time and they cant find anything wrong, I dont have health insurance, so I have to go to the hospital when I get really bad, and because of that I have been "black listed", I am told that I am faking it and that I am just a drug addict and its all in my head. My health got me discharged from the ARMY. I am almost a million dollars in medical debt because of all this. My friends and family side with the doctors so I have no one, I do have a therapist, but I just found out that I have been denied medicaid, so I think that Im going to lose my therapist. Also just found out that the man I thought to be my dad my whole life isn't, he is my brother and sisters dad and I got lied to my whole life 23 years. He wasn't there for us anyways. But now I dont know who my father is and my mom cant remember his last name. So I just feel like I dont belong, I am a burden and I have no one. Everytime I get in my car I wonder if I just go off the road or hit a tree or something I can be put out of my misery. Its these racing thoughts that are scarying me. I just dont know how much I can take, I have been messed up every since I was born. I was born 4 months early and weighted only 1.4 pounds. Maybe I was just meant to have problems? Maybe I deserved all this, I think and I think what did I do?Why me? I just cant do it anymore. Like I said I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Just problem after problem. Im sorry, see now I am burdening you with my problems. I give up...
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