YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. IT IS A PATTERN THAT ONLY THEY CAN BREAK IF THEY WANT TO AND IT'S NO FAULT OF YOURS AT ALL NO ONE DESERVES TO BE BEAT ON.

You are not wrong for missing, loving, wanting the person he can be.....unfortunatly...he isnt always that way...you deserve to be treated with love and respect....we all do...he cant do that for you.

Remembering and missing only the good stuff is part of why I hung on so long. But he never changed and he never cared like he said he did. I also know from talking to other women that have been involved with him that he is/was the same with them. One of them is actually living with him in his parents home right now. She is 42 and she was having an affair with him for 10 years....while he was living with another woman and seeing who knows how many on the side. She knows the truth about him now (but didn't until recently), she knows he abuses her, her friends have been begging her to leave him, but she still left her family for him, signed over her house, and took out a $30K loan to settle wth her husband. Her family won't speak to her now and she lives in his bedroom with him. She only has contact with his family who can also be controlling. She keeps focusing on the good stuff....he says he loves her and wants to marry her....blah, blah, blah. She hopes he will change...that she is different than all the rest....and she feels like she has nowhere else to go. I felt the same way about him and kept hoping he would change.
Just like with your guy....HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! Very few do....STAY AWAY!! It does get better with time as long as you cut off all contact and ignore him. Each day you will see a difference.

Look at it this way - The way he was when you first met him was the "sales pitch" for the swing-set - complete with video of happy children playing and laughing. What you ended up with was a box of bolts and pegs with assembly instructions in Chinese and even with the best of instructions, could only be put together by a master architect. You long for the laughing and playing, but are faced with unbelievable frustration instead.

"Getting over it" doesn't happen. Otherwise you cannot learn by your experience and run the risk of another relationship like this in the future. You will likely always be affected by what he has done for you, and the best you can do going forward is use this experience to direct your future relationships and help others who have been where you have. You are on the right track by understanding the pattern, the cycle, and recognizing his attempts at reconcilliation as additional control mechanisms. Stay strong. Stay safe and heal the best you can.

yes I do have advice. Get out a pad of paper and write down every abusive experience that you can remember with this man. When you start to feel sad and begin to miss him pull that pad out and read it. I did this and when I read the incidents on the pad - poof - my loving feelings vanished. Good luck - you can stop the cycle.

I have done the same thing Linda has done and works. Of course you miss him and the good times. I do too. But that wasn't him. When we met, o he was going to marry me, buy me a house, be a wonderful step father to my kids, he was loving and kind and sweet as could be. Ha, that lasted 4 months. Then slowly he turned into this person that only the devil knows. trust me, you are much better off, getting yourself together. It has only been 3 weeks for me and of course I hurt like no other, but I keep telling myself it has to be this way. Rip the band-aid and get it over with. Of course it would help if the jack ass would come get his stuff. I could move on a lot quicker.

Thanks for all the great advice everyone. I have never felt sadness like this before, the tears he is shedding right now are so real and the emotion he is expressing it's unbelieveable to think it's not true. But I have talked to others he has dated and it's always been the same with the emotional piece of it, but only a few of us "chosen" ones have been physically abused. I guess since he hit me and bruised me I thought it would be easier to walk away.

O do I know what you are going through. His manipulation phase. Please trust me, my ex hubby, he pulled the same crap. Interestingly enough though, he didn't seem to care when I as a wreck and bawling my head off. He just kept right on stomping my heart until there was nothing left. I am wondering if I am going to have to go through this with my now ex bf. I don't have it in me to watch and go through that stress. Trust me he is just playing his role to get you back. If you take him back, a month from now, he will be back to his old games and it will be worse.

That's what people are tellign me -- and I believe it -- but when he stands there and cries how much he loves me and he's so sorry and he's lost without me and he can't function or work, it's so hard for me to undersetand or believe that someone could be that much of a manipulator. How do you fake that - I guess is where my heart and head are struggling right now.

He has a goal and that is to get you back. He has lost control and doesn't know how process it. He can't accept losing you by your own choosing. It is all about control. My ex used to do that too, and then he would leave my house all upset, and later I would find out he went straight to his gf house. It is all a manipulation tactic. If this doesn't work, he will come up with something else, he may even try and pull the suicide bit on you. I have seen and heard it all. My ex was the master at it. O he would be doubled over, it hurts so much, look in my eyes, I love you baby, look at everything we have been through, blah, blah, blah, and that is all you need to be hearing too. Besides if you take him back, you won't feel the same inside, you will always have your guard up and then when it goes bad again you will be kicking yourself for not just ending it and getting it over with. I would do that and think, I could already be over this jerk. So hang in there, be strong. know I am here to talk you through it all.