So many times in my life, I have realised how I have failed to get my needs met from others. So many times I have felt that I have given more than I received. From the outside looking in, I doubt anyone would think that about me. I appear to have a lot going for me and many have told me that I intimidate men -- perhaps even making it harder for me to get my needs met as they seem to want to maintain control or keep their guard up many times.
One thing I realised recently ... when I was a little girl, I asked A LOT of questions! This, my mother said, drove her crazy and caused her to take "nerve pills" aka valium or some such. I remember her telling me this from a very early age and it is something which she continued to remind me throughout my childhood. I now realise the subtext of what I was hearing was "your needs are driving me crazy and cause me to have to take drugs!" ie. blaming me for her own issues/classic parentification. Well that wasn't the only aspect of parentification that she dealt me of course, but I have been thinking about this one a lot.
It turns out that I was a gifted child, and this, I know now, is a common thing that gifted children do is ask a lot of questions. So in effect, my mother was telling me that my "special needs" were "too much!" Strangely, my sister had special needs on the other end of the spectrum with learning disabilities and my mother seemed to never be able to do enough for her. She also always insisted that I should be helping her as well because I was so advanced! I remember feeling bad that I couldn't help my sister perform better at school even though i did try as my mother asked. This was around age 6-7 that I was being held liable for my sister's failings.
In first grade I was reading at a 6th grade level and was put in special reading classes. I can see the double-edge of this sword only now. I was reading so much so that I would not bother my mother, would not cause her harm, etc. So this has trained me to be uber independent, somewhat high performance (depending on how you look at it - I still manage to have some outstanding achievements whilst being otherwise quite dysfunctional in many ways).
I'm just not sure now that I have figured this out... how do i go about training myself to be more assertive, to be able to recognise when I have needs, and ask for them to be filled? Many times I feel like if I ask for certain needs to be filled, I will be passed over or considered a "diva." I've noticed that I feel more comfortable asking strangers to help me. I guess that makes sense - trained not to get needs met by closest people, but was learning through books, teachers etc i.e. strangers.
Does anyone else have similar experiences or ideas?
I was in the middle of early morning coffee when the stories of the bombing started and It shook my Easter meditating off of it's pedestal.I have been in semi to full trigger for days and the loss of so many souls by a hate group on a day of religious rejoicing?I felt the day choice as deliberate as any of faith. I seemed to feel the wave of darkness I was fighting get stronger. Some are being...