I saw my therapist last night. She helped me clear up some things. I still have so many issues to work through. I just want all of this pain to be over with. It is so hard. My motivation has been very weak. So I am going to try and concentrate more on me and what I need to do rather than on what he is doing and what does this or that mean with him. My energy for so long has gone into his behavior and my reaction to it all it is hard for me to have energy or to be able to focus on me. I have a list a mile long to get done. What is funny when he was living with me towards the end, I was doing that list. I was getting caught up, with my housework, school work, running my errands and getting things done either on time or before, like paying bills and keeping laundry done up, dishes done up, I started cooking instead of always eating out. I was really on my way. Then he started this last cycle with "I can't believe how far you have come in 6 months" and all of that. Then when he left or I don't know, I told him not to come back when I caught him lying, so I don't if he left or I made him leave. Which ever, he is not staying with me. I just fell behind again. I haven't done my laundry in 2 weeks, there are a few dishes in the sink, not many, but still more than before, I don't clean the cat box everyday like I did, I haven't vaccuumed in 2 weeks, changed my bed in 2 weeks, shopped for groceries in 3 weeks. I have no food at the apartment, I don't even want to go to the store. I had to force myself to get my nails done this week. It had been a month since I had done them. They were hurting and looking terrible. I haven't tanned at all. I am almost white again. I am just a wreck and I was doing so good. I go home, I take my dog out, feed the animals, and lay down or get on my computer, talk on the phone, that is it. So I am going to try and get back where I was. I am sure when he came to get his clothes this week he saw nothing had been done so he got some satisfaction out of that. But it isn't about him, it is about me, and how do I get that back? I worked so hard over the summer getting healthy and I got the wind knocked out of me quickly with him saying he was moving. When he left even though he still has things at the apartment it has just hurt so much I have lost motivation to put all of me back together again. Breaking up is tough no matter what the circumstances are.
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