I've lived in limbo for years, waiting and hoping for him to change, for 14 years. When I finally realized he wouldn't change, I woke up (that was 3 years ago). I began to understand that I had been in the horrible cycle of abuse. I began to understand what emotional abuse was. I began to understand everything by reading, sharing and researching. The truth opened my eyes. I then gave up the last hopes I had and my heart broke. I then began to slowly find myself again, under all the hurt, anger, hate, frustration and loneliness, I was still there.

Nobody rescued me, I did it myself. I chose not to live the way I had been living. I realized that I wasn't truly living, I was merely surviving. I picked myself up and began the long process of healing.

I left for over a year and I began to regain my life and myself, but I went back, like many do. I did it for many reasons but it was my choice. I began to sink back into the false hope and went back into survival mode. After 5 months I knew without a doubt that I did not want to live that way any longer. It was as if I had been let out of a cage and then went right back. I've wasted so much time in that cage.

I'm ready to live and be free of him. I'm scared but filled with hope again. I'm filing for divorce.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow as I enter that court. I'll have my emancipation papers in hand.

I got this quote from the old wordslinger site and wrote it in my journal. That was in May, 2009. It's taken me almost two years but doubt no longer exists for me.

When you are in doubt, be still, and wait. When doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage. So long as mists envelop you, be still. Be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mist, as it surely will. Then act with courage. ~ White Eagle