My father abused me and I was in a fosterhome at 15. He died almost 5 years ago. My mom who I love and am very close to still believes my childhood wasn't that bad and that it was just discipline. I've just learned that in the portuguese culture that was true and she didn't know any better and forgave her and choose to not have anything to do with my father's side of the family who still believe it was all my fault. Talk about rewriting family history!

People should not be allowed to blame children for abuse. AND people should never be allowed to wash over what happened to us as if all was well in our lives.

It takes so much to trust again. HAving people pretend that we were not abused is not helpful.

Jo :)

i know exactly how you feel, my father has been dead for over close to 10 yrs and when he died his family made him some sort of saint...i have not spoken to any member of his family since. you are not being unreasonable, you are just being logical and protecting yourself from the people that didn't help you when you needed thier help.

I want to weigh in on this discussion on a couple of different things. I totally understand the denial of family members about one of their "loved ones." It is all a part of the human nature not to want to love someone who is so evil. My grandfather was alcoholic and horrible to my grandmother and uncle (who is only 3 yrs older than me), yet my mother still has not come to terms with all of that. I believe that all of this just got much worse after she left home.

Now about the rest of the family knowing about the abuse. All I can say is that unless the rest of the family witnessed the abuse first hand, it is possible that they do NOT know about it. I know that is hard for both a victim and the general public to believe, but I know because I have been in the middle of it. It was more than 6 years after my escape from my abusive husband that I learned the extent of the abuse to my daughter. I knew that he was getting "heavy handed" with her, and that is what gave me the courage to leave him, but I knew nothing about how bad he was beating her and sexually abusing her. I still don't know the extent of all of this, and I may never know because she has pretty much cut me out of her life, because I did not "protect" her from him. I really did not know how bad it was for her, and she could never come to me because he had threatened to kill her. I'm not sure how I was supposed to know, because none of this was done when I was there. Bruises and sore muscles were explained as a "sports" injury.

All I can say, is that when people start talking about how wonderful she is, your comment can be, "sorry, but I just don't remember her that way because she was not good to me." If they object, you can follow up with specifics. While I understand your desire to cut them out, trust me when I say that they may NOT know and just need to be educated. Perhaps you were not the only one. Do you know of anyone else who was abused?

My relatives were very aware of my abuse. I suspect that my dad was abused by his mother/my grandmother.

Daddy never said so, but he was a very quite and shy person and he did not appear to have a lot of warmth for his mother.

The fact that people did not address the issue of my abuse does not surprise me. After all, MY parents left ME in HER care.

Being the "good people" the relatives were, why would they want to interfere in my being raised by a child abuser?

It was the 1950/1960's and people turned a blind eye to what was happening.

I think that society is changing and now protects the victims of abuse more than in the past.

Jo

my uncle abused me as a child sexually, after I had the courage to tell my mother her only reply was "your Dad can never know" .... this left even more of a scar on my soul ...

Denial is a way to protect oneself from the shock of the truth and hopefully is a temporary state... Living in denial is something to avoid taking responsibility or accepting something, as if it didn't happen. It's like a defense mechanism, maybe not fully conscious.

I think it is a self protection thing they dont want to know ,they can minimise and progect it onto us so as not to have to deal with it .The times made a bit of a diferance but it is still happening .When I finally told my mother that my stepfather abused me people she spoke to told her to stop talking to me because I was such a liar ,they didnt even know me but they asumed I must be lying about the abuse because they had liked him ...I just dont know how people can think that way anymore ...but they do...It is very common for people to blame the victim even when talking about children ...sucks ...

I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with not wanting anything to do with them ever again. My family is screwed up too; they have just started to acknowledge that my brother was abused, and they mentioned it once in conversation and I wanted to scream, the same thing and worse happened to me, are you insane? But they're not; they're weak. You are stronger than they are because you have dealt with it. Some day they'll remember and won't they feel like crap.

I think they will never feel like crap... If they could FEEL, they would feel compassion for the abuse victims that they did nothing to protect.

Maybe you're right about them not feeling like crap, but I think my family just pretends nothing happened so they won't feel like crap. They wouldn't feel bad for me, but for themselves for not being the perfect AMerican family. They're out of touch with reality. But I hope someday it comes crashing down on them and breaks them. This is probably wishful thinking, that people lije that feel anything. Well, I don't feel anything for them either.

revpatty brings up some great points.


My extended family knew my father was "strict" and hit us, they never witnessed nor saw the severe abuse. They all had suspicions, but no one ever had the courage to find out for sure. They were all afraid. Family dynamics are interesting in the best of times, but when one member dominates or controls the others by various means it can get bizarre.

My own relatives have all come out firmly supporting me.....I didn't think they would even beleive me when I told them........but they did. Most have expressed sincere regret for not stepping in, for not investigating.
It wasn't until I told them the depth and breathe of the abuse, did they truly know.

that is sad. i can understand why you wouldn't want to. Have you talked to a therapist or counselor about it?

this is what we call denial... very unhealthy, but it is what some people do... they would rather have the fantasy, then live in reality... and just make the same mistakes over and over again

My family did the same thing. I talked to my parents about my abuse, and my mom totally denies it. She is the one who abused me mainly. I talked to my aunt about it once. She knew about it, but lived several hours away so she didn't do anything about it. That makes you feel worth it, I know. . . I know what it is like to feel so unprotected by people who call themselves my family. It is hard. I am still in the I can pretend I am fine phase, so I'll see what happens. I totally understand what you are going through though. :( Message me sometime if you want to talk about it.