I am 36, 4 amazing children. I have been in a relationship since i was 17 years old. He has always been rough around the edges. But he would have some moments that made me see good in him. His other relationships were horrible, but i always only heard his side. With in the first year he cheated on my at least twice. However, he will always say it never happened. He says i made it all up. I tried to leave once when i was about 20 years old. He stalked me, cut my phone lines, and then tried to show me that person I thought i could love. We eventually bought a home together 11 years ago. He convinced me 3 years ago to marry him. To this day he reminds me "til death do us part". I always have a hard time figuring out if im as crazy as he says i am. 3 years ago xmas, He got upset with me and told me he was leaving. I asked what the problem was and he could not tell me, So instead, He rammed his truck into mine. if i bring it up he says it never happened. He goes through my phone to see if im hiding things. IF i get a text message, he will go on the phone bill and lable it with a name. He gets mad at me if i dont respond to his emails/texts and call my kids to find out if they heard from me (im at work mind you). IF i roll over in bed, i have to give a reason as to why i did that - along with doing my hair, or walking to the bathroom. The list just keeps going. He tells me if i didnt make him mad then he would not act that way. i ask what is that i do to make you mad? and he does not have an answer. He also says "I have been nice to you for a month you should be happy". how do i reply with that, you want a trophy, i have done nothing for you to be mean.
I use to just move past the list of things that would hurt my feelings, upset me, or scare me. But one day I stood up for my self. I felt so good doing it. Until he got worse.. he stalks me more.. goes through everything of mine.. snaps at me and tells me that im ungrateful.. Although he does tell me im beautiful, but gets mad if i dont respond.
we both work, however, he comes home eats and goes to his room. Its up to me to make sure the kids are taken care of. IF i dont go to bed when he feels acceptable, then he will get upset with me and repermand me. I feel like im always apologizing.
He says that i should love him and that im the love of his life. When he asks what can he do to make things better, i respond with dont yell at me, dont throw things at me, dont look at me like you hate me. HE says he has never behaved that way and that i need to stop pinning everything on him and take blame for my actions. So again, i sit and wonder what is it that i did this time.. I tired to have a conversation and told him how i felt. he says that i can do what ever when ever i want. I can talk to who ever i want to and that he never questions my faithfullness.. until i do those things. I said that my dad asked me to dinner, his reponse "why, why does he want dinner with just you, were are you going, when did he reach out to you".. i didnt end up having dinner.
He will yell at me, break stuff.. but then an hour later come out and wonder why im angry or i dont want to have sex with him. I explain that his word hurt and that hurt does not just go away. He says that he does not say or do anything wrong and that i need to grow up.
Needless to say I feel like im loosing my mind. I have now started having panic attacks.. He asked why would that be happening, i said because of our relationship. He says that it impossible, he treats me like a queen.. So, sorry i ramble, but im in a spot where i no its not good. Im sad all the time. And i am at a loss on how to proceed. Im not in love with him, im not even sure i like him.. but i dont know how to leave, be safe, keep the kids safe. i have my eyes wide shut.