I don't think that I had serious abuse, I know people have gone through so much worse than I have, but I do know that I struggle with self esteem, friendships, relationships, jobs, anxiety/depression, and anger. Especially hypersensitivity and overreaction to things. Growing up was like a rollercoaster, I was picked on at school and frequently felt unloved at home. My mom favored my sister and always told me so, and also lavished her with affection and gifts, but was hot and cold towards me. My parents both made fun of me, by "jokingly" respond if I ever got a compliment that my sister was prettier or "yeah, but she [something negative about my personality], or I was too ugly be loved, that no one likes me and always making comments that I was too bad or wild. Even though I was a straight arrow and a good student. Well anyway, as a child-teen I would act out by throwing fits or just getting angry and screaming. My parents constantly fought each other and do not have a loving relationship, but not a hateful relationship either, just not normal. They never separated. I had to walk on eggshells when it came to my dad, because I was never sure if he was going to be nice and funny, or mean and maybe hit me. So I'd have to wait until I could see and then if he was in a good mood I could relax for the day. If I forgot to do a chore, or made a mistake (like break a dish, spill something) he would box my ears and call me a moron or stupid or hit me with a paddle until I got welts. Lots of people I grew up with (small town) were spanked, so this was sort of normal. I tried to go to a counselor, who basically told me to get over it and prescribed me some anti-depressants. I don't get spankings anymore, since I'm an adult, but the other insulting "jokes" and pointing out my faults continue. At the same time, they are my parents and I want to have a relationship with them. But I'm so angry at them and they think that I'm exaggerating or just making it up. I know that going to therapy should help, but I can't really afford it, and also, although I am unemployed, my career/education is one that requires "fitness" to have the job. Meaning that they do look into mental health and whether or not you go to a psychologist etc. I had to divulge that I had went to the counselor and that I took medication for depression. I'm afraid that if I go to a counselor, mental health prof. regularly, that I could be considered unfit to practice. I feel like I"m between a rock and a hard place. I have talked about it a little with my friend of 10 years, and although she was nice, she was put off by it, and has acted weird towards me ever since. There definitely is a stigma of being someone that has depression or dysfunctional family. I don't know what to do. I'm even worried about checking out self help books at the library, because I am not sure how in depth the review board looks into it. If you omit the information, then it is a lack of candor/ dishonesty that is also a part of the review for fitness. I don't know what to do, but I know that I'm not normal and my life is like turning wheels. I'm not terribly disturbed- I don't have any drug problems etc, I have a post graduate degree, but I know I am not functioning well. I have a hard time getting a job and keeping them when I do. I am very lonely because I either get involved with dramatic, controlling people, or when people are normal, I dont seem to develop past the acquaintance stage. Basically I don't do well in social situations/ interactions. I feel like I"m actor playing the role of a normal person, but then it builds up and the crazy starts seeping through, like insecurities, paranoid that people dont' like me, over reaction to small things, and then people notice it and shy away from me. I just don't know what to do. I'm still taking the anti depressants, and I think they help, but not enough. I'll take any advice at all if it can give me some guidance.
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