I dont think they can change. I just left my b/f because he was so negative about everything. I felt even if he got help, he would not change. I was to scared to stay with him in fear of what would happen to my self esteem. It was already diminishing.

I dont know if they ever change. thay have to want to change.sorry Im not much help.but know Im here if you need to talk.

That is a complicated question. My father changed, he saw what he was doing to my mother, and in turn what he was doing to us, and never hit her again. But, not everyone is that strong. If they don't really want to change, they won't. My husband doesn't want to change, he likes the fear, he feeds off of it, he gets "high" after he screams at me or he throws things, or he hits me. It is an adrennenaline (sp?) rush for him. People like that, don't change, they are addicted to that feeling.

I wonder the same thing all the time. I just sat at the table two days ago with my husband as he cried, apologized, and promised to never hurt me again. I have seen it before, and he knows I don't believe him. I know now that he is in temporary denial. It's a different excuse, different drama every day.

Statistics show that only less than 3% of all abusers change. And this is with counseling, and counseling usually takes 12 months. First they have to want to change. That's a big obstacle. Wishful thinking is one thing. I don't know what your abuser is like, but sometimes they can just give you lip service and they can live in another reality from you, where what they think is different from what you think happened. Also, as for my abuser, he totally blamed me and said it was my fault. After 14 months of counseling, of telling the honest to God truth, and I wanted it to be my fault so I could fix it, but nobody agreed that it was my fault. So the whole change thing, also falls in the category of codependency, where you learn you can only change yourself and you can't change others.

First, understand that no matter how much you may want to, you can't change him. Only he can change himself. And he really has to want to. Previous posts here are correct, less than 3% of abusers successfully complete any counseling and don't abuse again. Then again, it is 3% and maybe, just maybe, your guy is one of the 3%. Having said that, remember the other 97% that don't. We are talking about extensive counseling, extensive therapy, extensive work to be done on his part.

My ex gave plenty of lip service to change. Never DID anything about it, but talked about it constantly. It wasn't until i was out of it that I realized that the one he wanted to change was me, not him.

So many questions, but the answers are rather simple. The stats on an abuser changing is less than 10 percent, maybe even less than 5. Without serious and intense therapy, the chance is zero.

They know and understand what they are doing. They have a personality disorder which renders control over people as an addiction. They become crafty at manipulation and will use anything to gain favor and control. Tears and remourse for their actions are real, but become part of the vicious cycle of abuse. They are not a loss of control, but a mechanism for gaining control back. They revert to the charm that caused them to fall for them in the first place, and as soon as you knuckle under and go back, the abuse cycle returns. The only way to stop this cycle is with serious soul searching on his part and intense therapy in being able to change his behaviors. He CANNOT do this with you under his roof - and the only way to be sure that he is serious about it is that he has to agree to treatment while you are separated, and it should last for at least a year. Most abusers cannot and will not agree to that, because they are wired to believe that the problem is with everyone else, not themselves, and the control gives them such a rush and feeling of superiority.

I have broken it off with him and told him I can't be his girlfriend, but we do still talk on the phone every now and then.... I understand what I read about the cycle and how it returns and I even can hear some of the control when I talk to him - I am able to recognize it now - but I am just having a terribly hard time getting over it and forgettign the good times. A lot of it was emotional and I guess that's what hard - the physical abuse was easy to see and remember, the emotional abuse and control I question if it was me or if I was overreacting.