Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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different realities

deleted_user
deleted_user
So, I'm reading that book "The verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans. She talks about how an abuser and their victim normally live in "2 different realities". I really agree with this. My H is impossible to understand, predict, satisfy...but he would deny all of that. He thinks he is completely rational (not even close), his opinion is the ONLY one that can ever make sense (even if there is physical proof otherwise). He can have an episode where his verbal abuse is off the charts cruel, and then just act like nothing happened or he was "joking". I feel like this is really driving me crazy. For one reason, the fact that he usually downplays what actually happened always makes me question myself. I wonder if I WAS being over-sensitive (I know this is discussed in the book as well). But over the years, I really have become de-sensitized to him. Yet I still find myself wondering if I remember the incidents correctly. I dont want to be dragged down into his reality. I'm not even sure he knows he's doing this. Has anyone else dealt with someone who you just cant make heads or tails of...even after several years. And how can I make anybody understand how this is destroying our relationship. Nobody gets it and everyone just tells me "it's just immaturity" and "all men are like this". FRICKING FRUSTRATING!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, I understand you, I could have wrote this myself. For years I told my stbx that I wanted a tape recorder to record our fights so he can hear what he says....he finally bought me one, and when I used it, he was furious. I think that my stbx knows what he says, but after he blows off his steam to me, he feels bad, so instead of apologizing(because he is above that)he says he never said this or that, or says he was joking, or we were fighting. He is messing with your head, my son is immature and doesnt talk or treat me like my stbx.....its an excuse. When you start doubting yourself it means he is accomplishing what he has set out to do.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am dealing with the exact same thing you are. I guess I should buy this book. Although we are split up now, I guess we are anyway, he has been staying away, because he travels with his work and he says once he finds a place he will be back to get his things. But I go through the exact same thing as you. I never know which end is up. I go crazy. He says he is a realist. His abuse can sometimes just cut through me like a knife. When my daughter-in-law was preg. with my grandson he would say to me, are they going to name him little bastard, or SOB, then he would laugh like it is funny.
deleted_user
deleted_user
That's one of their tactics, it's called Crazymaking. Very helpful of you to write this, I've often thought about it but never read it, TY
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes honey I understand! I have just recently separated from a 7 year relationship like this, and after a while you do get de-sensitized to the behavior(which is the perfect word to describe it). No one really understands the self doubt and confusion that you can feel. My H never yelled and cursed and all of that. He would just coldly say the cruelest things without even raising his voice. Then when I would react with tears and yelling it would seem that I was crazy or "to sensitive" which is a load of crap!. It's hard to describe this to people that have not experienced it for themselves, and they might say "that's how men are" but theres nothing "ok or normal about it". It's called covert abuse and it can make you doubt everything about yourself and look to him for all the answers, and that's just the way men like that want it. it's just another form of control. My advice for you is when you have to compromise your own thoughts with questions and doubt it is not right. Stay strong and True to yourself. Try www.you are not crazy.com for more support as well as daily strength.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I used to wonder a lot about my marriage, and beat myself up wondering why I couldn't be more flexible and see things from his point of view - eventually though I realised that he didn't actually *have* a consistent viewpoint, it would just be whatever lie best suited his agenda at the time - I think that's the way to really tell if someone's being abusive or just has a different view on things.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My x used to do that. He would tell me "I didn't do that" or "I didn't say that". It didn't matter if there was proof. I came to the conclusion he "blocked" it out because he didn't want to deal with the kind of person he was.
Loved1
Loved1
Great book. Abuser is in reality of having power over someone. Abused person has reality of mutuality. It's not healthy for us. It's so deceptive! I truly recommend this book, it has helped me feel sane and empowered and helps me to know I'm not alone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thanks for all your comments. I dont know if this is a byproduct of living w/ someone like him, but I also tend to downplay in my own mind. I tell myself alot "it's not that bad" or "other people deal with alot worse". Anybody else find themself doing that? I'm SOOOOOOOOO not into drama so I tend to let things go...you know, dont sweat the small stuff...But where do I draw the line?
jimmysquirrel
jimmysquirrel
well, htere is some stuff that random ppl say, that can be like water on a duck's back... but if you lover hurts you, and does it maliciously... that is a clear crossing of the line.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Does this ever sound familiar.....do you know how many times I heard "you're so insecure....you need constant reassurance" when one day he would be all "I can't express a quarter of what I feel for you"...."I care for you so much"....I wish I had met you years ago because I would have married you"....."i will never hurt you"....and the next "My feelings for you come and go"...."I need space"...."I'm going back with my ex"......"I don't like what you said, that hurt me"...."so what if I stood you up, it's not like I left you in the middle of nowhere".... Then after I got all upset it would be..."what's your problem, I always come back"....."I can't say anything to you without you taking it the wrong way"....."if I didn't care I wouldn't be seeing you"....."I've missed you"....blah, blah, blah....I could go on forever.
He still doesn't see he has a problem or accept any responsibility. It's all about others hurting him.
I couldn't mention ANY other guys other than my kids or he would get so jealous yet he would intentionally make me jealous with comments like "I have a waiting line of women who want to see me".
Not all men are like that....just the abusive ones.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh yeah, I forgot my personal favourite....."our relationship never has been, and never will be, part of MY personal life".......

He might as well have just hit me with a shovel.

I was walking on eggshells....careful not to say anything that would hit one of his "triggers" and turn him into a cold, cruel jerk.

But he said what he wanted and many times it was calculated and cruel.

I'll never understand how these men feel jusitified treating women this way.

I told him once that I hoped his daughter never ended up with someone like him....
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have heard the exact comments from my ex husband. Some of them from my ex bf as well. The coming and going thing is interesting, when my ex h and I were in canceling he told our councilor he did it because he knew he could. he was right, I let him do it. Once I stopped letting him, he quit, but what choice, divorce ended that little escapade of his.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh thank all of you for sharing. I left a four year relationship recently where I knew I was going crazy, and because he never "hit" me he was not abusive. He refuses to see anything in his behavior as wrong, he would go to great lengths to make me believe I was "too sensitive" ect. Even now he mental tears me down. I wish that I could break free completely but it's easier said then done. He will call and I will find myself drawn into the crap without noticing. The "all men are like me" has built such a huge wall of distrust that altho I want to be in a loving relationship I think I wouldn't know a good guy if I ran him over. He has successfully (for now anyway) convinced me that men are all the same and I am the one whose got the problems, that I am abnormal and "other women" would be happy to have him. I have learned to say "Well good luck in finding her! And hanging up" but I end up spending hours feeling worthless. Again I am so glad to know that I am NOT alone in this. I can't even begin to tell you how good that feels.
deleted_user
deleted_user
JMB,
Patricia Evans was the one who shocked me into realizing I had been abused, and I will thank her forever for that. Now, several years later and with a couple of breakthroughs behind me, I see something in your comments that I only knew after serious therapy. It is possible that you becoming "desensitized" to his rants and comments is actually you shutting down emotionally. I lived with a verbally abusive man for 22 years, and was probably emotionally shut down for the last 15 years or so. It is only in the last few months of therapy that I have begun to see how shut down I was.

Ms. Evans' book is a good beginning to your understanding of where you are. It is a good thing to continue research and dig deeper into what has happened to you because of this abuse with a professional who understands the aftereffects of abuse, including batterred woman's syndrome and PTSD. It is advisable to be screened for PTSD early, because the effects can be debilitating.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I promise you are not alone. The phone calls for me haven't started yet, I am just waiting. He has been gone 3 weeks now, traveling with his job. I guess he could be back and I just don't know it, but his stuff is still at the apartment. People are telling me that if he hasn't moved out by now, he probably doesn't plan on it and he is just trying to find a way to slither his way back in. Regardless, I don't want him, no matter how bad it hurts I am willing to feel the pain and get on with a normal life. It isn't us, it is them. I find not responding is a load off of my shoulders. So if you cannot answer the phone when you see it is him, it will help you a lot. At first you will feel guilty, but trust me after a couple of times of ignoring him, that feeling does go away. Your spirit gets lifted, and you start telling yourself, hey I am not putting up with this anymore. You will have your up moments and your down moments, but that is what this board is all about. come here and get your comfort.
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