NEVER NEVER NEVER- you did NOT bring it on yourself. You are a victim of emotional abuse. Period. You feeling this way is a part of the abuse. Please trust me on this.

Your only contribution in this was your desire to rescue the bad boy. This is a worthwhile desire, and having no previous background in abusive behaviors, most of us believe that it is something that could never happen to us. Those two made a combination that was perfect for an abuser to gain control.

The falacy in the "did I bring it on myself" question is the notion that you did something wrong. You had to be punished. Think of that - this is an adult relationship, and punishment is not something that adults do to each other. They discuss things and they compromise. Punishment is for the person in power to stay in power and to prove to the other person that they are lower/weaker. A marraige or adult relationship is not one in which one has power over the other, but one in which there is an equal partnership.

Punishment (non-physical and appropriate) works for children to help them get a grip on right and wrong. Punishment in the sense of the legal system for adult offenders who break the law is appropriate. Punishment is not something that happens between two people who are in a loving relationship.

Here is a question for you to ponder. You knew he was a "bad boy." Did he know that you were trying to "tame" him? My guess is that whether or not you realize it, he did. While you were trying to bring him up to your own standards, he was probably having a lot of fun "backsliding."

I think that the only thing that you can do better going forward, is to stay away from the "bad boys." Also, do some homework on the abuser and their make up, warning signs,etc., and learn from your experience.

alright, i finally got though to a topic, so let me not waste htis opportunity.
Well, it appears that you think you can control others, and change others... where did you get this idea?
It is this idea that you can do things that you can't that left the door open from abuse. It almost sounds like you took on a pet project. someone you wanted to "fix"... well hun, life doesn't work that way. Everyone has this wonderful thing called free will. He had choices to make, and no one made him choose those.
now, for you... you were not an abuser. You were definitely the abused.
Your story is a little different(though mostly the same) than some here, because you sound a bit like the scientist model. you ran an experiment, htinking you could do things, and lo and behold! the experiment failed. Not because you didn't have the proper ingredients, or the proper subject... but because it was an experiment that should never have been.
I have a suggestion. don't date anyone for a while. Stop and take a good hard look at yourself, and be honest with yourself. No, you didn't deserve this. You did some htings wrong yes, but not in that way. The main thing that you did wrong was stay. Ando nly after working on yourself... when looking for a potential partner... look for someone else who is healthy (upstairs)... no more projects.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO OH AND NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

This sounds like co-dependancy to me. While you may not have been abusive to him, you were trying to "reform" him,mold him into being a better person. You need to look at your need to be the better person (your words) in the relationship. That implies issues of power and control to me.

This is not to say that he had right to abuse you in any way. He is responsible for his own behavior.

Revpatty gave you solid things to ponder. You need to take responsibility for your own actions and understand more about abuse before getting into another unhealthy relationship.

Thank you all for your supportive responses. I have gotten out of the relationship. The crazy thing is Im still trying to figure it all out. I have no contact with my x & have since moved on in some ways. But he is still in my dreams. He is still interlinked in my anger & fear. I dont check over my shoulder anymore, but I dont understand how I could have let it happen. I thought that after all this time I would have some answers but the more I think about it, the more questions I have.

We start out with the best intentions. We love them. You think everyone loves like you love. It's not easy, especially when you're in it and you don't "know any better". I was married for 16 years to a man that I now realize I never KNEW. He was a verbal abuser and sabotaged my self-esteem without me even realizing what was happening. I could say the same as you, but I know that in my heart, I did the best I could and I loved him with all my heart. It's the realization now that we were not, nor ever will be compatible. We do not view the world the same way and we never will. I thought my love would make him "different" - more caring more loving, but he ISN'T that type of person. He grew up emotionally abused and it is HIM. He doesn't see, nor does he wish to see there are other ways to act and to cherish people. He doesn't understand. And when I no longer could accept his behavior, he lashed out and choked me. We've been divorced over a year. I think I'm still in shock that I never knew him. That he abused me and I loved him so much. Now, I realize I had to get out because I was not allowed to be myself around him. I had to "play a part" and he didn't really want ME. He wanted someone he could control so he could continue to do what HE wanted, not what he SHOULD have as a responsible adult, a husband and a father. I realize he is INCAPABLE of being the person I NEEDED him to be.

You can try and figure him out all you want, but you will never, and i mean never, get any answers you will understand. He could sit down and tell you himself why he acted like he acted and it STILL won't make any sense. Want to know why? Because we don't think like them. They can explain until they are blue in the face and it won't make the first bit of sense to us.

So, your job is not to understand him, your job is to understand you. Why did you put up with it, why do you still want to figure it out, why did you choose him in the first place? When you can answer those questions is when you will be ready to move on to another relationship and not before then.

You were not the abuser, you were the abused. That is more of his abuse still circulating in your head.