
Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

deleted_user
I think I brought on the abuse myself. I am not unintelligent, I am not stupid. Things were never that great between us even from the beginning. Did I bring it on myself? During our relationship I always tried to be the better one. He was the bad boy whom I had to tame, to make love me appropriately, to make behave. When he would punish me I didnt feel anything. I just had to be better than him, but I think I was just as bad because I didnt stop it either. Does anyone else feel that way? He said when I left that I would tell people that he was abusive, he called me a victim-lover. Was I an abuser too because I allowed him to be that way?
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The falacy in the "did I bring it on myself" question is the notion that you did something wrong. You had to be punished. Think of that - this is an adult relationship, and punishment is not something that adults do to each other. They discuss things and they compromise. Punishment is for the person in power to stay in power and to prove to the other person that they are lower/weaker. A marraige or adult relationship is not one in which one has power over the other, but one in which there is an equal partnership.
Punishment (non-physical and appropriate) works for children to help them get a grip on right and wrong. Punishment in the sense of the legal system for adult offenders who break the law is appropriate. Punishment is not something that happens between two people who are in a loving relationship.
Here is a question for you to ponder. You knew he was a "bad boy." Did he know that you were trying to "tame" him? My guess is that whether or not you realize it, he did. While you were trying to bring him up to your own standards, he was probably having a lot of fun "backsliding."
I think that the only thing that you can do better going forward, is to stay away from the "bad boys." Also, do some homework on the abuser and their make up, warning signs,etc., and learn from your experience.
Well, it appears that you think you can control others, and change others... where did you get this idea?
It is this idea that you can do things that you can't that left the door open from abuse. It almost sounds like you took on a pet project. someone you wanted to "fix"... well hun, life doesn't work that way. Everyone has this wonderful thing called free will. He had choices to make, and no one made him choose those.
now, for you... you were not an abuser. You were definitely the abused.
Your story is a little different(though mostly the same) than some here, because you sound a bit like the scientist model. you ran an experiment, htinking you could do things, and lo and behold! the experiment failed. Not because you didn't have the proper ingredients, or the proper subject... but because it was an experiment that should never have been.
I have a suggestion. don't date anyone for a while. Stop and take a good hard look at yourself, and be honest with yourself. No, you didn't deserve this. You did some htings wrong yes, but not in that way. The main thing that you did wrong was stay. Ando nly after working on yourself... when looking for a potential partner... look for someone else who is healthy (upstairs)... no more projects.
This is not to say that he had right to abuse you in any way. He is responsible for his own behavior.
Revpatty gave you solid things to ponder. You need to take responsibility for your own actions and understand more about abuse before getting into another unhealthy relationship.
So, your job is not to understand him, your job is to understand you. Why did you put up with it, why do you still want to figure it out, why did you choose him in the first place? When you can answer those questions is when you will be ready to move on to another relationship and not before then.
You were not the abuser, you were the abused. That is more of his abuse still circulating in your head.