My father is a little crazy and I sometimes feel my life would be better without him. I am not sure how to deal with him when he becomes angry or confused. I love him and I wish he would get some help with whatever he needs instead of taking it out on me and my mother. When my parents argue, my father says the most hurtful and ridiculous things that I step in and confuse him or throw the abuse back towards him so my mother does not have to deal with his stress and aggravation. I don't know what to do and I would like to have a better relationship with my father, but i think he is incapapble of having a decent loving relationship with anyone but himself. He wont let anyone in and refuses to do anything to help. I avoid him most days and don't even wanna talk to him like every day. When I do talk to him it ends up in some type of argument and I become frustrated with his stupidity or lack of awareness and inability to care. I have always thought and still think he loves my brother more than me, because he's a boy. And that really bothers me. I see other girls who have an awsome relationship with their fathers and I want that. I want my father to say he loves me and show he cares for me instead of me just having to assume or try to get him to communicate with me. I am sometimes ashamed of him and ashamed of the relationship we have. I almost feel he puts on an act in front of some people and it hurts. I can see where he gets his anger and frustration because of the loss of his brother so young and the loss of his father recently and not having a close relationship with his own mother, but I don't understand how to break down his barriers and develop a stronger more loving bond between me and him. Ever since I was younger my parents have always fought, they are not divorced and I am not sure they ever will be, but I have always been angry at my dad and always wanted him to move away or sometimes even die. I know it's wrong to think that, but I can't stand the way he treats some of us in my family. Now that I am older I am able to get away and not be around him as often, but I never wanna bring friends by my house. I never had sleep overs as a child and I never want people to really meet him. He is a very hostile person and sometimes turns extremely angry. He has never hit me or anyone else in my family, but you can see it in his eyes that he wants to. He has gotten so angry at my mother that I was afraid of him hitting her. I don't even wanna leave them alone sometimes because I am afraid something bad will happen and I wont be around to help or do anything. My mom is my rock, best friend, and one of the people I cannot live without in my life. My older brother has been there for me and has always helped in argument situations, but he is now living on his own and it's hard for me without him around. My brother is like my other rock and without him in the house, I have had to grow more of a backbone and stand up for myself more often. That's not a bad thing, but I can't deal with my father anymore. I wanna scream at him most days and just put him in his place, but once I do that all hell breaks loose and nothing is quiet or calm in the house. Also, when I get into arguments with my father, I hurt my mother and she hates seeing us fight. I really dislike seeing that too. So basically with all my rambling, I need help on how to deal with his outbursts and random tempers.
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