I think that the man I was involved with was subtly and covertly abusing me emotionally. I am starting to understand the dynamics a little more. He withheld praise, affection, attention and when I would ask why he did not seem attracted to me he would say he was, but he never touched me or conveyed that I sexually aroused him. The thing that really made me feel bad was that he joined a live sex chat site and posted his pictures and was attempting to meet other women (younger) In the end I felt confused, guilty, ashamed, and a general feeling of low self worth. I think that I was perfect for him because I did not have a high level of confidence and esteem in myself. I see an upside and a downside as a result of the relationship - the upside is that I recognize clearly that I made it possible by not believing in myself and now I can work on that. The downside is that I have problems in areas that I did not have before. I am struggling with trust and faith and my sexuality due to his deceit and unfaithfulness. I only wish that when I asked he had been kind enough to tell the truth so that I did not have to struggle with my ability to trust people when they tell me things. But that may be good as well because I need to pay more attention to actions rather than words. I am bothered about my behavior in the relationship as well. When he neglected me and acted indifferent, I felt hurt and rejected and retaliated with accusations and name calling. I am guilty of verbal abuse. I do not know if it is a typical reaction to feel like hurting someone back or I am just as abusive. I do know that I felt even worse about myself for calling him names. I feel worse over what I said than what I perceived him to be doing. Geez, I am so confused that I can't trust myself to know anything. Just a lot of questions and confusion.
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