sorry if long...I just recently got the courage to move out and break off an engagement. I was miserable....of course it was good for the first year 1/2...he opened his heart ..was vulnerable, told me private stuff..did everything I liked...mnt biking, running, hiking, he loved to be with me, wanted intimacy..there were some red flags of anger, a kind of anger I'm not used to..when he would get mad about somethign at work, or money, he would throw a coffee pot or use really bad language..it scared me some, but it wasnt towards me, so I stood by his side..through all his anger..he has dad issues, past girlfriend issues who took his little baby, and other woman issues, he had a rough growing up...so I stood by his side...and I put me on the back burner...then he got a new job and he was just pretty much addicted to his job...everythign stopped...all the things we did above..just stopped..I got scared..as he wanted and I wanted children and we were going to get married...this was a concern for me..so when I would try and discuss my concerns..he would get angry...make me feel guilty becuase he is working 18 hour days, etc...and when I would approach him on it, I was so nice ,...never ever said mean things or raised my voice...so my concerns got put on the back burner...never resolved..so when I think Im not walking on egg shells around him, I would bring up my concern again..he would never take it well..in fact he woujld get so made that he would tear out a ceiling fan out of the ceiling, punch walls, it would scare me and I would run in the bathroom and he would yell through the door "cry little baby cry" he would say something like your never happy..im doign the best I can...I woudl have to jump in my car and get away...he would call and say he was sorry...this was a contiuned cycle..I was starving for love and effection and the man I fell in love with...but could never get him back...I used to suprise him , spark our intimitacy up and suprise him with me in a sexy night and be cooking him breakfast with my heels on..he came home from getting his hair cut on a saturday..I was a little nervous to do what I was doing..when he came in I said "Ready for some breakfast?" he looked at what I was wearing and shook his head...like he was just disgusted..I was mortafied! but I still stayed..I was starting to think it was me...as he would say things that would confuse me and make me think maybe I was crazy and just a drama queen...I was so excited this one time that he took time out on a satruday (as he knows that is what I needed) and I havent done anythign with him..he took me fishing well we only made it a mile from our house and he wasnt in a great mood...seemed like a total inconvience to go take me fishing..he said something like "what is it with the outdoors and you?" I told him that it was peaceful and I love to be out in the woods...I said that I didnt want to go anymore, that he didnt seem into it..and just turn around...he was just pouting the time we left the house..I didnt want to go with someone that didnt want to spend time with me...he told me to make up my mind..he started driving like 80 miles per hour scared the crap out of me...he then put on the breaks did a 360 ripped out the dash board and threw it out the window...I wI as so scared...and tried to calme him down..I did alot of that...again because of my needs to have time with the guy I was to marry..he freaked out...so I ut up with it until july 18th...I stayed at hotel tha tnight...then moved to my parents until I found a place...he doesnt think he has issues he thinks I do.;...and I provoked his tantrums...I'm having a really hard time on my own...Im scared...and sometimes it feels like that it felt better to be in a unhealthy relationship then it doesn now...my self estem has dropped extremely..as there aremany other things I havent shared that he has said to me that has really screwed me up..I feel like Im not going to meet any men...that maybe I am screwed up..I saw him from a distance today with his buddy with their dirtbikes all loaded up just smiling having a great time (he didnt know I saw him) that made me soooo mad and jealous! here I am trying to heal from the damage and he doesnt think he has damaged me...even though from time to time he will apoloigze for being a jerk..the last words he said to me were ..I love you..your sooo beautiful..your the best thing that has happened to me..so if that is the case why doesnt he go get help...do anything whatever it takes to get me back...Im really struggling with this..and i can obsess and replay everything..Im sooo resentful..how dare him go and have fun when I still screwed up! so is it in my head should I have left...should I have stayed and worked things out..if not and I did do the right thing..how can I heal?
again sorry so long
again sorry so long
Posts You May Be Interested In
A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...