I think one of the hardest parts of this journey is being alone. Now i know a lot of people have just raved about the benefits of being without their abuser and i agree with alot of them. But i am just not comfortable with just myself. and when he wasn't being a jerk it was nice to have someone to cuddle with and watch a movie or say hey let's go out and get some ice cream. I really still feel guarded and haven't opened up to calling any of the gals in my group meeting. I think i am afraid of rejection too. I should be jumping for joy but i have always been a caretaker and now it's just me. I really want to feel OK about being alone but for some whacked out reason it just makes me miss him. I think since he isolated me from people and it was just the two of us it makes it harder cause you don't have a circle of people. And i moved away to a new state and feel that much more out of place. I think once i start my jobs that will help. I think i have just always been used to having a man around and now this is so farren to me. I have all these feelings inside of me and nooone to tell them to. I want to scream and say will somebody listen to me!!!! I need another human to hear all this crap i have stuffed inside for years and years. Yesterday when i went to a intake session with a new counselor i felt like he was just there to write the paperwork, no comments, and i came out feeling worse cause it brought up all this old stuff in my head. It's like everybody is afraid to touch it and gives you these stupid pat answers. I walk around feeling like the world is going on around me and i am not in it. When will all this craziness, frustration and so many more feelings go away. I want to be normal again, and laugh and relax and enjoy the day. I am not trying to focus on this stuff it is just there overflowing every minute of the day. Sometimes i feel like i will never get out of this hole and it discourages me even more. How did this happen to me, i hate it and i hate myself because i can't get out of it.
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