Good for you...on 2 levels.

1. That you realised that you relationship could NOT continue.

2. That you also realised that there is a possibly it could have an effect on your son.

When you go to Women in Distress tomorrow, maybe you could discuss this with them, I am SURE they will be able to help.

Take care
xx

Have you seen a child do something that as child parent, parent didnt teach the child how to do whatever the task! Oh what little computer minds of takeing in info they have.

As a parent who may be stationary or begining to move forward toward a healthy life, will, the parent may wish for child to speak w a therapest for the child own adult future.

However sound like you have done a great job as in child haveing rejected abuser & abusee position, so you have that in your favor.

Am partical to state funded mental health center which offer selection of pdoc and therapest and slideing scale fee.
Am not sure if Alinon would be benifitual for you but it may be worth attending couple of meetings ( its not just alcohol related ).

Your stronger than you realize.
Am proud of you for calling and schedule to attend group meeting. It is step on road of repair and recovery and obtaining a healthy life and life style, from 1 woman to another cheers to you.

When I meet people I unfold my cards slowly and over time at my own pace if I choise to do so. That would apply to group meetings.

The abuser is no longer in the household,right, so you resolve that and for doing so you should be commended and if he still resides within the home, Sweet Pea we understand and we are here for you, not against you but for you.

Hi Becky....
Been there, done that. I have two kids (now 15 and 11). My husband abused me verbally, physically, emotionally, and sexually for about 10 years. My kids were there for about 95% of the fights. They are affected and I wish I would have gotten out sooner.
First of all, let me commend you on getting out. It's tough, I know. You are worth more to the world than what he gave you!
Now, let me tell you what I'm dealing with when it comes to the kids. They don't agree with the way he treated me, but that's all they know so now they are treating me that way. My daughter has hit me - I had her arrested and put in juvi. She has to learn that I do not condone treating people that way. It hurt tremendously to do that and to see her in that place but since she has been out, she hasn't raised a finger at me. We are still working on the yelling and downgrading part but therapy is helping. What is not helping is that we are still in a custody battle and while on the phone with the kids, my ex condones (and feeds into) allowing the kids to talk down to me and yell at me. Anyway, Lauren (my daughter) approaches relationships very differently than I did when I was growing up. She goes for the guys who treat her badly. While in her fathers care last year, she dated a 17 year old, contracted STDs and SIDs (at 14), smoked pot, got beaten and raped AND SHE STILL WANTS TO GO BACK TO THIS GUY!
My son, Ethan, is different. he is very caring and knows how his father treated me was wrong. Again, while on the phone, the dad condones yelling at me and calling me names and when his sister gets going, he feels he needs to join in. Afterwards, he always apologizes (just like his dad). I try to show him what he has done and I think he is understanding - we don't have very many blow outs anymore.
I think therapy for your son is great - even if it's like a playdate for him with someone he can talk to. Show him love and more love. And the same goes for you. Therapy helps you talk and vent and get it out.
Keep up your strength - you'll need it. Hugs and love.. :)

'HOW much effect does abuse have on the children even though the children themselves are never abused in any way?' Sadly children 'are' also abused and suffer from the abuse because they are also experiencing the abuse happening around them. You both deserve to find help for recovering now..in your new found peace.

Below are some facts and statistics on the effects of abuse on children...It is very real. Be so glad that you have now got your child out..and no-one can blame you for his fathers behaviours..It wasn't your fault..And also especially since you have now got your child out..

If you feel a need to get your son some help over this, follow your instincts on it..getting him help, will in no way 'mess him up more'..You will be caring for him, and helping him recover. he is lucky to have you, and that you love him enough to want to now help him recover, while still recovering yourself. Which I know is far from easy.

What is the effect of domestic violence on children?

Children who witness domestic violence may develop serious emotional, behavioral, developmental, or academic problems. As children, they may become violent themselves, or withdraw.

Some act out at home or school; others try to be the perfect child. Children from violent homes may become depressed and have low self-esteem.
As they develop, children and teens who grow up with domestic violence in the household are more likely to:

Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Family violence creates a home environment where children live in constant fear.

Children who witness family violence are affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused.. They are often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent Children are at greater risk for abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home.
Statistics show that over 3 million children witness violence in their home each year. Those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally.

"Families under stress produce children under stress. If a spouse is being abused and there are children in the home, the children 'are' affected by the abuse." (Ackerman and Pickering, 1989)
Dynamics of domestic violence are unhealthy for children:

Control of family by one dominant member.
abuse of a parent.
isolation.
protecting the "family secret".
Children react to their environment in different ways, and reactions can vary depending on the child's gender and age.

Children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop social, emotional, psychological and or behavioral problems than those who are not. Recent research indicates that children who witness domestic violence show more anxiety, low self esteem, depression, anger and temperament problems than children who do not witness violence in the home. The trauma they experience can show up in emotional, behavioral, social and physical disturbances that effect their development and can continue into adulthood.
Some potential effects:

Emotional:

Grief for family and personal losses.
Shame, guilt, and self blame.
Confusion about conflicting feelings toward parents.

Fear of abandonment, or expressing emotions, the unknown or personal injury.

Anger:

Depression and feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.
Embarrassment.
Behavioral
Acting out or withdrawing.
Aggressive or passive.
Refusing to go to school.
Care taking; acting as a parent substitute.
Lying to avoid confrontation.
Rigid defenses.
Excessive attention seeking.
Bedwetting and nightmares.
Out of control behavior.
Reduced intellectual competency.
Manipulation, dependency, mood swings.

Social:

Isolation from friends and relatives.
Stormy relationships.
Difficulty in trusting, especially adults.
Poor anger management and problem solving skills.
Excessive social involvement to avoid home.
Passivity with peers or bullying.
Engaged in exploitative relationships as perpetrator or victim.
Physical
Somatic complaints, headaches and stomachaches.
Nervous, anxious, short attention span.
Tired and lethargic.
Frequently ill.
Poor personal hygiene.
Regression in development.
High risk play.
Self abuse.

Child Victim/Witness of Domestic Violence
Age-specific indicators

Infants:

Basic need for attachment is disrupted.
Routines around feeding/sleeping are disturbed.
Injuries while "caught in the crossfire".
Irritability or inconsolable crying.
Frequent illness.
Difficulty sleeping.
Diarrhea.
Developmental delays.
Lack of responsiveness.

Preschool:

Somatic or psychosomatic complaints.
Regression.
Irritability.
Fearful of being alone.
Extreme separation anxiety.
Developmental delays.
Sympathetic toward mother.

Elementary Age:

Vacillate between being eager to please and being hostile.
Verbal about home life.
Developmental delays.
Externalized behavior problems.
Inadequate social skill development.
Gender role modeling creates conflict/confusion.

Preadolescence:

Behavior problems become more serious.
Increased internalized behavior difficulties: depression, isolation, withdrawal.
Emotional difficulties: shame, fear, confusion, rage.
Poor social skills.
Developmental delays.
Protection of mother, sees her as "weak".
Guarded/secretive about family.

Adolescence:

Internalized and externalized behavior problems can become extreme and dangerous: drug/alcohol, truancy, gangs, sexual acting out, pregnancy, runaway, suicidal.
Dating relationships may reflect violence learned or witnessed in the home.
From Boulder (CO) County Safehouse


Working with Children:

Trust is a major factor when working with children exposed to domestic violence. Children need a safe place with an adult they can trust to begin healing.

When first working with a child, it is helpful to ask what makes her/him feel comfortable and uncomfortable with adults.

Listen to children and provide them with space and respect.
Let children know you care about them, that there are adults interested in their opinions, thoughts and ideas.
Use books on the subject to help open children up.
Use art, music, drama, and play to help children express themselves.
Refer children to professional counselors, as needed.
Connect children to organizations in the community that work with youth, as appropriate.
Help children develop age-appropriate and realistic safety plans.
Tell them often that someone cares.

From the Illinois Coalition Aginst Domestic Violence newsletter, spring 2000


Statistics:

Each year an estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to violence against their mothers or female caretakers by family members. (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996)

Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30 to 60 percent of family violence cases that involve families with children. (J.L. Edleson, "The overlap between child maltreatment and woman battering." Violence Against Women, February, 1999.)

A survey of 6,000 American families found that 50 percent of men who assault their wives, also abuse their children. (Pagelow, "The Forgotten Victims: Children of Domestic Violence," 1989)

Research shows that 80 to 90 percent of children living in homes where there is domestic violence are aware of the violence. (Pagelow, "Effects of Domestic Violence on Children," Mediation Quarterly, 1990)

A number one predictor of child abuse is woman abuse. (Stark and Flitcraft, "Women at Risk: A Feminist Perspective on Child Abuse," International Journal of Health Services, 1988)

The more severe the abuse of the mother, the worse the child abuse. (Bowker, Arbitell, and McFerron, "On the Relationship Between Wife Beating and Child Abuse," Perspectives on Wife Abuse, 1988)

Some 80 percent of child fatilities within the family are attributable to fathers or father surrogates. (Bergman, Larsen and Mueller, "Changing Spectrum of Serious Child Abuse," Pediatrics, 1986)

In families where the mother is assaulted by the father, daughters are at risk of sexual abuse 6.51 times greater than girls in non-abusive families (Bowker, Arbitell and McFerron, 1988)

A child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk fact for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996)

Male children who witness the abuse of mothers by fathers are more likely to become men who batter in adulthood than those male children from homes free of violence (Rosenbaum and O'Leary, "Children: The Unintended Victims of Marital Violence," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1981)

Older children are frequently assaulted when they intervene to defend or protect their mothers. (Hilberman and Munson, "Sixty Battered Women," Victimology: An International Journal, 1977-78)

In a 36-month study of 146 children, ages 11-17 who came from homes where there was domestic violence, all sons over the age of 14 attempted to protect their mothers from attacks. Some 62 percent were injured in the process. (Roy, 1988)

Hi Becky, I often wonder the same thing. Now that my bf is in jail my son is acting out terribly. He won't listen at all and talks back to me constantly. I think it's part becaue he's confused right now and he's seen my bf disrespect me but also part because I've always been the soft one and my bf was the one who enforced the disaplin. I kind of warn him over and over but never act on the punishment while with him my son got one chance and then it was to his room or the playstation gets taken away, etc. My bf too never abused my son in any way. I've been thinking about therapy for him and myself too. Especially because I do think I will end up back with my bf and my son is really angry with him. I read all these replies and it makes me so guilty for taking him back.