They don't have a community JUST for the children of abuse situation. There is a faction of us here, so feel free to share with us whatever is on your heart. I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child. I often feel like the trauma of my early life has affected what I am in relationships, work and overall joy. Just be careful not to use this as an excuse.

You're right, it's easy to say poor me and make excuses. I just wonder if I'm having a mid-life crisis and that's all it is.

I was physically abused by my father for 17 years & for years searched out men who I thought loved me because they wanted a lot of sex, but soon learned it was just another form of abuse. It took me a long time to stop seeking out the wrong men for dating. Actually now I choose to just stay single, it's much easier then bringing a man into my screwed up world of realationships my father created.
Deb

This may sound easier said than don, but if you are not happy with your situation it is only up to YOU to change it. The abuse might as well have contributed to your self esteem, but you now have the power to change that.

First say to yourself, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired". Then set some goals for yourself. Start out small, and do everything to meet them, smallest to largest. If you slip up, just get up, and proceed. Maybe start with gaining a new skill, getting some certification, etc... Once you start fulfilling your goals, the gratification will give you strength to work on other goals. This is how you will move up.

The key thing is not to give up and not to fall prey to those who try to obstruct your success.

I know it's easier said than done, but it's doable.

Good Luck!

I was just wondering if other people had a similar feeling, as if abuse had stunted their growth on the inside. I pride myself on coming a long way and continuing to improve my situation, but it just seems that..god, I AM whining! Geuss I was looking for someone to whine with, not just relate to. Don't need that!

Yes, abuse can stifle your growth. The main thing the abuser tries to accomplish, be it consciously or unconsciously is to weaken the one they abuse. They draw their strength by weakening the other. When that happens the victim's self esteem lowers. The victim begins to "believe" the abuser. The victim loses confidence in him/her self to move ahead.

Once you realize that and start resisting, the abuse becomes worse, because the abuse feels weaker. That's a never-ending cycle, that usually ends badly if the relationship is not broken (spouse/partner leaves, child is taken away or becomes of age and leaves, etc...)

That has happened to me with my stbx. But I realized it and now beginning to work my way out of it.

The key is that you realize it, and convince yourself of your self-worth. Break the chains, become free, and move forward. Don't attribute your failures to the abuse; simply look at them as mistakes in need of correction. Only then will you be free of the curse.

My best to you.

the abuse has alot to do with who I am and how I look at and respond to the world. I have a great job and it has prevent me from having the confidence to move on but I do a little at a time. Sometimes I say God I wish I was normal. I have been able to set myself up with friends, they tend to have the personality of my mother. I think is harder for those of us who experience trauma.

Of course you are shaped by your childhood, i think if you look hard at everybody they are shaped by their past... But if you are aware of this, you can change it, say that was then, and this is now,and i have the power to be what i want, and be aware of your choices that you make. I also think as you get older, you analayse your life, yes the mid life crisis thing

Of course you are shaped by your childhood, i think if you look hard at everybody they are shaped by their past... But if you are aware of this, you can change it, say that was then, and this is now,and i have the power to be what i want, and be aware of your choices that you make. I also think as you get older, you analayse your life, yes the mid life crisis thing

No it's not the midlife crisis that you are experiencing. I don't know your particular abuse situation, but emotional abuse has it's lasting effects, if you ask me, a life time. The unconscious mind is responsible for your perceptions, thoughts and feelings, comprised of the messages you internalized as a child whether good or bad. Needless to say, the end result is who you think you are. I hope I was helpful.

Most definitely our childhood experiences reflect in our lives. i grew up with an alcoholic father, all the men in my life have had issues with addiction of some type. we are drawn to what we were once comfortable with, however as adults we know right from wrong, it's the lesson in learning how to acknowledge and stop abusing ourselves. it's hard to leave those emotional ties to parents even if they hurt us as children.

I understand your situation. There are many circumstances that can be involved in the abusive family that lead us to live a Codependant lifestyle or relive the lifestyle and reintroduce the problems that was introduced to us as a child. My personal experiance came from the alcoholic and sexual abuse. I inturn wear the what I love to call the "looser sticky note" on my forehead... ;0)
There is a great book a friend of mine gave me years ago when she got over hearing me complain after I turned into a raging drunk.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
By Melody Beattie

http://books.google.com/books?id=Rxs9wYywbxwC&pgis=1

I hope that link works there is some more information about the book. You can also find it in your local library.

You may join Alanon (if related) or the Codependency Community here on DS to find out how to take your life back.
Good Luck

abuse has affected me in only one way: my past is painful. I have certain distrust for people but it can be overcome. slowly, mind; but, surely. I feel no adversity in my life when it comes to friendships or work. My relationships in the past were horrendous. it was one abusive person after the next. Until I got lucky, haha. I found someone who wouldn't be like any of my past abusers. and I am loved. Your past can only affect you for as long as you let it. I know, It's not as easy as "get over it" I had to go through counseling and meds to get where I am, but the point is simple: Here I am.

Athenian; "loser sticky-note" - LOL Thanks for all your responses. I know I am responsible for my own life, but I just get so angry and feel so robbed! But what's the point? You guys seem to have dealt with it better than I have and it's an inspiration

Yes. Abuse stunts growth. It stunts potential. It pisses me off when I think too much about it.
Like, How the hell does a person with a genius IQ end up in a spray booth painting furniture for rich folks and sucking in toxic paint fumes 12 hours a day six days a week, feeling like theres nothing better.
Yeah the abusers sought to put us down and it continues to keep us down in adult life because it is what we know.