I have not

My husband did the same thing when I filed for divorce. He did change for a little bit, just long enough for me to stop the divorce, now he is right back at it, and worse sometimes. He has found ways to twist what was said in counseling to justify his actions and to place more blame on me. He also has found a way to manipulate what I have said or done to show me that I am abusive toward him, which I am not.

Honey, I know, believe me I know that you want to believe that he is one of the 5% of abusers that acctually do change but chances are that he is not. Protect yourself, and take it from me, if you have filed for divorce, do not stop it! Proceed with it! If you have not yet filed, I would, and don't let him convince you to stop it. He will most likely not change. I learned this the hard way.

Of the hundreds who have posted here, MOST have had their abusive partner promise to reform, and only one or two have stated that they had accomplished it. Although this is not a scientific sample, it should tell you about how hard it really is.

Your husband has made a couple of significant moves toward reform in discovering his particpation in the abuse cycle, admitting his part in it and accepting that it is his problem and his alone. Also discovering and getting help for anxiety and depression could significantly help, as well as the support group.

For more information on what it takes for an abuser to really change, there is a list on www.youarenotcrazy.com of things that an abuser has to complete, and one of them is realizing that it is a lifelong process, not something you are suddenly "cured" of.

A couple of cautions on your journey. You need therapy too. You both are going to have to overcome some of the effects of the past, and therapy can help you individually and help you help each other.

Keeping you CANNOT be the reason he is trying to change. It has to be ONLY because he realizes that his behavior is wrong and he wants to change regardless of whether you stay or leave.

Depression and anxiety CANNOT be the "excuse" for his behavior. It is his choice to be that way, and he has control over whether or not he is addressing his dapression and anxiety AND over his abusive behavior. Depression and anxieity can contribute to his state of mind, but the choice to abuse is his and his alone.

It is a long road ahead, and it is possible that he CAN become one of the 3-5% who actually reform. For your sake, I hope and pray that is the case, but you need to be prepared for and plan for what happens if it turns out that his promise to reform is just another one of his manipulation tactics.

There is some truth in the notion that we play a part in the dynamic of our relationships... HOWEVER... the only person who is responsible and accountable for ones behavior is THAT PERSON. Its not anyone elses job to "not set them off"... self control is the ultimate goal... and to make it your responsibility makes HIS mine field YOUR concern. It is not. Nor should it be. To say that you should learn to not set him off is to claim that he himself can not learn a new way to respond. And that is just what he would need to do to "reform" if you will.

Is it possible. Sure. Its possible. Is it likely? What do you think? I don't know him.

I will say that he would have to be doing it for himself, not for you, and not as a means to keep you from leaving him. He would have to be just as determined to get the help if you left, as if you stayed... it has to be his own personal quest for growth....NOT a further means to manipulate you.

I will say that my husband is not the man he once was... we have been in counseling, he has been to anger management classes and to jail, he has admitted his problem, and the roots of his dysfunction stemming from his own abusive childhood... major break throughs. But it takes a LOT of work... it doesn't happen over night even if it is happening, which is rare when it is... Its a growth process, and its one that you have to support eachother through if you are trying to stay together. Both of you would need to learn a new way to relate to one another. You both have habits and patterns, and its likely that its not ALL him... which isn't to say you deserve any of his crap... but if you are going to go out on that limb and take a chance on overcoming this, you have to be sure that you are keeping your eyes open, defining your personal boundaries VERY clearly, and make sure that you are both doing this for the right reason. Patterns of manipulation can transform and you have to be aware of even the most covert tendancies... on both of your parts. Basically, you would have to tear everything down and rebuild yourselves from the inside out, heal the issues that you have suffered together, and rebuild your marriage as two new strong individuals. After you have worked on yourselves as individuals, then even if the other person doesn't have the fortitude to follow through, and the marriage dissolves, you still come out ahead, stronger, and more complete. Its a LOT of work, a LOT of soul searching and learning new skills, a LOT of patience and prayer... not for the faint of heart. Only you can determine if there is genuine hope in your case.

my husband has been trying to change for a few years now. He has made a slow slow constant improvement, But the question is how long will it take and how much you put up with. And realisticly if you've been together for a while I'd see if you are depressed or have anxity also, it comes with the tarritory. And I honestly think I did play a role in the fighting. Id say me 40 and him 60. But I've never had a black eye or major physical harm.

I don't think so. My mother is kinda just passive aggressive now, instead of physically or vocally attacking me. The reason being is because she is adamant with getting everyone to notice her insane obsession with spirituality and lavish her with attention and praise. When I was a child, she did the same thing by living vicariously through my sister and me. Every kind action is forced or difficult for her. But she still is the same person that forced me into doing things, treating me like a little child even as I am an adult, etc.

Mine pleaded that he has changed but is still that same ole abusive jerk. My divorce will be final by summer. Get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Usaually, according to Lundy, these guys test "normal".
take it for what it worth.

Thanks for all the replies. So far it's been a few days since my husband admitted he needed help and his attitude is still great. He says he will go to weekly counseling with a counselor that he has been to a few times. This counselor is in the same office with my counselor and my husband signed a release so our counselors could speak to each other and get my side. He is also still looking for a program or support group. I've been in couseling every other week for 2 years! I'm also going the the doctor for help with my anxiey and insomnia. He has also been patient and allowed me to vent some to him without getting pissed and blaming me which he has never done before! We both know it will be a long road.

Sorry to be pessimistic..but once an abuser, always slips back..to being one..my experience, my opinion..

There might always be a desire to abuse, controlling that desire can be learned. I've seen many lives turned around because that is what the person themselves want.
Hope and hope until that person proves they have dealt with the reasons for causing any kind of abuse.
If they relapse, get rid of em.

See, I don't believe that people have a DESIRE to abuse. I think its a matter of not knowing another way to be, having no other frame of reference, and having such little control of himself that he seeks instead to control others because self-control seems so out of reach. Then add in the element of narcissism and you have a classic abuser. This is just my take. But I have a hard time with the notion that anyone would set out intentionally to be an abuser. I don't think that most abusers have a grip on what abuse is and that it is infact what they are doing.

When a person realizes that they have abusive tendancies or behaviors, thats a huge first step... but its only one step on a long journey... and its a painful journey that involves looking in the mirror the whole way... and not in a narcissistic way... It has to be a journey toward SELF-control. And as a person genuinely takes on this endeavor and learns to control him (or her) SELF, there is less need to want to control those around him. But it has to be an actual desire to change from the inside out... the very character of the person has to be under construction. It can't just be about altering outward behaviors, or the abuse will just find new and more subtle ways to manifest.

i haven't heard any happy sucess stories but, i would like to. I've only heard up and down... eventally leave stories. Parisa Evans wrote two great books that have helped me tremedously. one is " the verbally abusive relationship" the other is call "can he change" It was writen for this reason. to help evaluate the possibility.

after reading others responses i want to say that this is deep reinforced paterens that steam from childhood. They will always have a predisposition. that's what you are are up against. An other problem is the families they come from.their influence. lots of relapse. I was so hopeful they we would be an exception.

I will say it can be done with a lot of work. It is not something that will reform in a few months or years it has to always be worked on. It is real easy to fall back into the same old crap. I have been on both ends of the track and I will say it is something that has to be worked on everyday of your life in order for it to work. He also needs to change the way he thinks acts, reacts, and so on. It is a lot of work, but yes it can be done. I would say though many abusers do not change or they fall back into the abusive state at some point and that is a risk you must think about. Also, ask yourself do you want to take that risk? Is it worth it to you if he does go back to that and can you leave him if it does? These are things you need to think about. I hope this helps you friend.