
Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

deleted_user
Many of us that have endured verbal, emotion or physical abuse from a spouse have heard the same old lines of "I'm sorry, I'll get help, I won't do this again" etc. My husband has said these things many times but always with conditions..."I'll do better if you realize what you do to set me off...." or "This is not all my fault, you play a big role that you need to get help for". He has always denied being abusive. Recently my husband actually admitted he was abusive and that I did not cause any of this or deserve it. He realized that his deep anxiety and depression contributed to his behavior and finally had the revalation that his father whom until very recently he idolized, was abusive to him. He went his Dr. and was put on paxil and restoril and had scheduled weekly counseling sessions and is looking for a support group or program for abusers. I know the facts are most abusers never change, but has anyone experienced real change and reform from an abusive partner, and what does it really take to make this happen? I'm hopeful but guarded.
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Honey, I know, believe me I know that you want to believe that he is one of the 5% of abusers that acctually do change but chances are that he is not. Protect yourself, and take it from me, if you have filed for divorce, do not stop it! Proceed with it! If you have not yet filed, I would, and don't let him convince you to stop it. He will most likely not change. I learned this the hard way.
Your husband has made a couple of significant moves toward reform in discovering his particpation in the abuse cycle, admitting his part in it and accepting that it is his problem and his alone. Also discovering and getting help for anxiety and depression could significantly help, as well as the support group.
For more information on what it takes for an abuser to really change, there is a list on www.youarenotcrazy.com of things that an abuser has to complete, and one of them is realizing that it is a lifelong process, not something you are suddenly "cured" of.
A couple of cautions on your journey. You need therapy too. You both are going to have to overcome some of the effects of the past, and therapy can help you individually and help you help each other.
Keeping you CANNOT be the reason he is trying to change. It has to be ONLY because he realizes that his behavior is wrong and he wants to change regardless of whether you stay or leave.
Depression and anxiety CANNOT be the "excuse" for his behavior. It is his choice to be that way, and he has control over whether or not he is addressing his dapression and anxiety AND over his abusive behavior. Depression and anxieity can contribute to his state of mind, but the choice to abuse is his and his alone.
It is a long road ahead, and it is possible that he CAN become one of the 3-5% who actually reform. For your sake, I hope and pray that is the case, but you need to be prepared for and plan for what happens if it turns out that his promise to reform is just another one of his manipulation tactics.
Is it possible. Sure. Its possible. Is it likely? What do you think? I don't know him.
I will say that he would have to be doing it for himself, not for you, and not as a means to keep you from leaving him. He would have to be just as determined to get the help if you left, as if you stayed... it has to be his own personal quest for growth....NOT a further means to manipulate you.
I will say that my husband is not the man he once was... we have been in counseling, he has been to anger management classes and to jail, he has admitted his problem, and the roots of his dysfunction stemming from his own abusive childhood... major break throughs. But it takes a LOT of work... it doesn't happen over night even if it is happening, which is rare when it is... Its a growth process, and its one that you have to support eachother through if you are trying to stay together. Both of you would need to learn a new way to relate to one another. You both have habits and patterns, and its likely that its not ALL him... which isn't to say you deserve any of his crap... but if you are going to go out on that limb and take a chance on overcoming this, you have to be sure that you are keeping your eyes open, defining your personal boundaries VERY clearly, and make sure that you are both doing this for the right reason. Patterns of manipulation can transform and you have to be aware of even the most covert tendancies... on both of your parts. Basically, you would have to tear everything down and rebuild yourselves from the inside out, heal the issues that you have suffered together, and rebuild your marriage as two new strong individuals. After you have worked on yourselves as individuals, then even if the other person doesn't have the fortitude to follow through, and the marriage dissolves, you still come out ahead, stronger, and more complete. Its a LOT of work, a LOT of soul searching and learning new skills, a LOT of patience and prayer... not for the faint of heart. Only you can determine if there is genuine hope in your case.
take it for what it worth.
Hope and hope until that person proves they have dealt with the reasons for causing any kind of abuse.
If they relapse, get rid of em.
When a person realizes that they have abusive tendancies or behaviors, thats a huge first step... but its only one step on a long journey... and its a painful journey that involves looking in the mirror the whole way... and not in a narcissistic way... It has to be a journey toward SELF-control. And as a person genuinely takes on this endeavor and learns to control him (or her) SELF, there is less need to want to control those around him. But it has to be an actual desire to change from the inside out... the very character of the person has to be under construction. It can't just be about altering outward behaviors, or the abuse will just find new and more subtle ways to manifest.