Nah, no way dont think like that, unfortunatly kids this days only think of themselves and its the truth, my kids are nearly 14 n 15 n they only want want want, man its exausting n i did all for them sacrifice my life, career to bring them up myself withoug babysitters etc, and this is what i get but do let them know coz it aint fair, i hate they do that, talk to them is my advice coz i tell mine n remind them all the time n i wont be a door mat to no one, n u shouldn't be either, take care, hugs nellaxxxxxxxxx

I don't think so either I'm 27 years old and when i remember my teens and ealy 20's my mom was not on my priority list. She was ther if I needed her which wasn't much. Now shoot she's my best friend I talk to her daily and follow her advice closely.

Thanks nella and hugs.

I've been getting so confused about this. I have a husband who criticized everything I do, but I have tried to behave to my four kids as best I thought I should, bar when I just couldn't. But I tried and in one way I don't think I did too badly, except I really stuffed up in not leaving him and taking them. He has had such a bad influence.

I do set boundaries with the children, still. And I try not to let it show that my self confidence can get near zero. But it's hard as I am really feeling not good enough.

Thanks strangelove. Wow! I would love it if my kids could actually like me. Maybe one day then.

i totally agreee with strangelove! The same happened with me and now there isnt a day goes by when we dont speak she is my best friend

Actually, I have noticed my older two girls behaving better and better to me the longer they have been away. I should remember that. They became abusive, unfeeling and condemning like ther father when they became teenagers. They were ok before. But he has had such a powerful influence and actually did basically "take over" the girls.

The youngest never abused me though and our son refused to be taken over and never abused me. Maybe that is partly because I needed to protect him from his father when he was younger. And maybe it is partly because, in taking the kids over, that meant they had to do the things my husband thought they should, like sport and our son didn't like that once it got competitive (he has mild cerebral palsy, among other things).

And somewhere in all this I should factor in that my oldest girl used to tell me to leave my husband.

And I just couldn't make the home the sort of home that I wanted. My husband was uncooperative and sabotaging (on normal things) and he didn't exactly behave well. So maybe it is simply healthy that the girls have gone and feel able to do that. I just have to put up with the consequences of being married to the man I am married to. And their father didn't teach them about normal decent values and empathy. Hopefully that will come later.

Rosie, you know I struggle wit this all the time, because when I left my home, my son was so angry with me, and he still has issues tho our relationship is 100% better than a year ago.

But I have to believe that unconditional love will win in the end, and that it will be the soft place where he lands when he is older and can sort it all out. In the spiritual quest I have embarked on, I have realized that love is the most powerful force in the universe, and that we can all tap into it. And that it is so strong, eventually, it will bring my son back to me...and in fact, that it is bringing him back to me.

My only advice is to make sure your kids know you love them. And. you can be glad that they are finding their own paths, and are not manipulated and controlled by their father. Encourage them to be their own persons, but yes, set boundaries so they will respect you, while they grow.

They are kids....we all move on from our parents, but that is what kids are supposed to do. Grow up, become independent. When they do, they will look back on the whole situation and I would bet money, they will be back knocking on your door to tell you they love you.

Thanks hockeymom.

Yes, I guess it comes down to love. If we look after our growth so we can let the love shine out, maybe there is a good chance it will work out.

My girls are doing their growing up elsewhere now and that does concern me. But, yes, I think they are better away from their father. And, while they were here, their father contaminated everything, even their relationships with me. As they got older, it was as if he was driving me more and more into invisibility and non-acceptability, competitively and jealously rubbing me out. Now they get to relate to me as I am as our encounters usually happen when my husband was not around. At first I had to set boundaries and they did hit back, but I just basically affirmed what I said and maybe said what I said when they were little "Behave badly and it doesn't happen. You choose" so they learned to be civil all over again. Its as if they had to go by way of nothing between us first and then civility. Maybe there will be more later. I hope so.

But I am worried about the fact that the youngeat has love sucks from her boyfriend all over the place. Is this ok? They are really obvious. Is it like a dog weeing on a post to show ownership? At a family dinner we all had out recently, the boyfriend was all over her in public. I thought this was rather perverse. Is it really ok?

This is the euphoric time in your children's lives when they are testing their new found freedom as "grown ups." There is a lot of rebellio (I'm an adult and you no longer have control over me) AND a sense of entitlement (mom - you have to help me, that's YOUR job). As they continue to mature, these things should come together and they figure out that life out there isn't as easy as they thought. Once they face "real world" rejection, the unfairness of life and people who we have protected them from to this point, their understanding of what the world is REALly like increases and we (as parents) suddenly become geniuses, because we told them it would happen that way all along.

Don't beat yourself up too badly about this. It is a normal rite of passage for our children.

Oh Rosie, my stbx did the same thing to me, I was a non-entity in that family of 3. I was there to do the work, and keep my mouth shut, and never have my opinion considered, my needs addressed. I am still, and for a long time into the future, going to be trying to teach my son that he can't do that to other people. Right now, it is just me that he dismisses, and I know it's to keep his father happy by making him think he's the most favored parent....But I daily try to nudge him gently back to the center....

AGain, if the nudging comes through love, it will prevail....I am sure of that

They just wanna explore there independence and they probably feel bad about having to ask for things all the time. I kind of backed off from my mom because I still felt like a 5 year old around her, and I have learned that I will always be her little girl no matter what and it took me years to get over that and I was 25 before it sank in.

Thanks jazzinjamerican.

I don't think that is going on with my girls. They have no trouble in asking for anything. In fact they stole it before I kept dealing with that and giving consequences. And I am not the sort of mom to make my kids feel like little girls.

My kids grew up in the wrong sort of home though I tried and am only now coming to see this better (and I am still working on that). I also am suffering from the effects of my husband, and now, the effects of his effects on the kids. If I could turn back time I would.

Thanks very much, CatherineAnn. Maybe you're right. I've got to keep it in perspective.

Maybe my self doubts about this are more a product of being in a bad marriage and having a husband who constantly (no exaggeration) puts me down. This includes saying I am a bad mother (no reasons given) and frequently countermanding me when I say things to the kids. In the past he was the rescuer who would interfere with my giving them just normal consequences and would give them the treat and would tell me off in front of them. It's as if it is a competition for him and he has to do it all his own codependent and weird way AND write me out of the picture. I mustn't let that influence my judgment.

And I guess there is a grieving process too, as it is for a mother cat who suddenly gets her kittens taken away.

No teens always want to be on there own. Sounds pretty normal.

Hi hockeymom. Thanks.

My husband most definitely things I am here to do the chores. He interfered when I did the normal thing of trying to get the kids to do their share. And I wasn't mean.

He even would tell me in front of them, right up until now, that some chore needed doing and to go and do it. He likes giving orders. So crass and boorish !I am getting better at speaking up, with a calm voice, and confidently and "casually" saying things like "Sorry, I'm busy. Somebody else will have to do it". He doesn't like that but, if he wants the thing done, he'll have to do it himself or get someone else to.

He has a way of creating a drama over a chore that urgently needs to be done, according to him. So it's like "Aagh there is a (wee) dog spit on the floor. Clean it up (before it jumps up and kills me)!!!!!" I just answer very off hand and say I'll get around to it.

These are some details of what goes on in my home.

Maybe it's not surprising the girls left. And maybe it's a good thing. They can learn to live more normally, hopefully.