What does " mental" mean to you?

ummm....I guess I am referring to mentally ill, or a chemical imbalance.

I do think that one is mentally ill if he/she feels better by abusing someone else to simply feel better. I do not get a kick out of hurting someone else. To some degree we all "take it out" on other people if we are not in a good mood. If something bothers me I am "short fused" with my children. I am less patient and I feel more stressed. However, I do now recognize if I treat them unfairly and apologize. Now I just simply tell them that I don't feel good and to just leave me alone with my mood. That it is not their fault.
Our abusers don't really feel remorse, if they apologize for their action then it is simply to keep us around for their next need to vent.
One thing you need to know. Abusers do not see the world the way that we do. Most of our confusion is the inabilty to make sense of how the act. We think that it must be something that we could do better, we internalize because we think that we live in the same "life". Our abuser does not seek partnership with us, he/she uses us for his own gratification. He does not want to work anything out with us, he uses us to feel better about himself. Any attempt to explain yourself is waste of time as it is equal to talking to a wall.
In their world they are justified in doing what they are doing. Remember and think about what justice really is. Justice in the US is different than justice in Italy or Iran. Right? Even in our court system, justice is based on interpretation. Jurors in court see and hear the same things...their interpretations of the truth will be totally different. Even though they might come up with the same verdict, at the end, unique interpretations were developed based on the same event.

The abuser and you interpet life in a different way. He keeps you in a relationship with you by preying on your vulnerabilities. He has you under his control. Yes, he is mental.

They all have what is called a "personality disorder"....yes, they have a mental problem. They are all the same. I classify mine as Borderline and Narcissistic. Look them up online. You will see a pattern. Don't fool yourself that you can ever help them. Get out now. Until they realize they have a problem and seek help, they will only get worse. I hope the day that happens, that you will have moved on to a better place.

Not all abusers are mentally ill. Many just need power and control - most will deny that their behavior is abusive - and most will try to place "blame" on the victim. In many cases, the abusers will apolgize afterwards (even bring flowers or gifts) to regain the trust or mislead the victim into thinking it won't happen again. It usually does, and most often with escalating behavior. I work on a community domestic violence team, and provide information to victims to help them understand about the cycle of abuse and what resources are available to them.

In my opinion and experience working with domestic violence victims, as well as sex offenders in a prison (not the same exact thing, but many of these offenders were also involved in DV or it was also a power and control issue), as well as my personal experience with my boyfriend and ex boyfriend (and knowing their families and backgrounds closely), it is a combination of factors. some of it comes from genetics, mental instability or a psychiatric diagnosis, but some of it also comes from how they were raised and the environment. I agree that they percieve the world very differently, and that is part of their problem. which is why they don't take responsibility for anything, in their skewed perception, it wasn't their fault. which, as we all know, is wrong and is a skewed perception. it is absolutly not our fault. but the fact that they can't see that just makes it more dangerous.

now whether this is something that can be helped or changed within them is a debate I'm having with myself. as a woman I am completely inclined to say "no! they will never change!!" but as a social worker and therapist I am inclined to say "some of them can change" (of course none of me believes that ALL of them can change). and this is why I find myself still on the fence whether or not to leave my boyfriend. "he's changed in so many ways, so he's capable of it" "but there's a few things that I just don't see him changing" but but but. however, the ONLY way that change is even a slight possibility is if they realize, and I mean really realize, that it is a problem and completely unacceptable, and really truly have the desire to change. I think it's impossible for us to change them or for them to half-ass it.

my other thought on your question is about being justified in their anger. I think that anger is a normal, even necessary at times, emotion. but the problem lies in how it is handled with whoever is feeling the anger. some will sulk, some will cry, some will be angry for hours, some will keep it all inside, and some explode at a family member or significant other. which is when it becomes a problem. I think anger is a justified emotion, what is completely unacceptable is their way of expressing the emotion. and saying that "you make me so mad!!" no one can MAKE them mad. they choose to be mad. they choose to react with that emotion (which sometimes is justifiable, and sometimes not), and they choose how to act on that emotion.
for example, if I go out with my girls and tell chris I will call him at a certain time, and don't, he may be upset. I think that's understandable, if it were reveresed, I would be too. but it's the way it's handled with the yelling and f*** you's and just berating that is not justified. instead if he would say, "where have you been, that really upset me that you said you would call but didn't, what happened? please don't do that again." it would be acceptable.
I'm not sure if I just talked myself in circles. . .

Control and abuse are leaned behaviors, however, the statistics are very low for an abuser to get home and change these behaviors. Abusers are "wired backwards", and they actually believe they are justified in their behaviors. If you are in this sort of relationship, my advice would be get out now. It only gets worse over time. Emotional, verbal and controlling individuals show these behaviors gradually, and conituanly shatter the mirror image a victim has of their selves. They feel no remorse, and, they beilieve they are "entitled". It is all part of their manipulations to control. When they feel you may have the least bit of strength, they will go another step to hurt you.

Good luck

I am learning so many new things and finding relief. I have always held out hope, I do blelieve that the "sensitivity chip" is missing in my husband and also think he does not know how to verbalize what is bothering him, so he becomes enraged, lashing out at me to fix it. Sometimes if I'm lucky I can diffuse the situation but only by compromising myself and my beliefs. His parents are supportive of me, they lead a normal relationship, they weren't the best parents, not real supportive, so I don't think it's learned behavior, I use to think it was because he hated me and didn't know how to let me go, so it was to berate into leaving, but I think it's deeper than that, I'm really leaning towards chemically imbalanced or misplaced anger.

They arent mentally balanced as they have no empathy

Counseling does help. I've had alot of it. I think most are mentally disturbed. It's hard to imagine a decent person enjoying treating someone else poorly. My dad, ex husband and some ex boyfriends also were that way. Alot are addicts, which makes it worse. Alot of the reason I didn't have children was the abuse I suffered as a child, plus a poor excuse for a husband. These people may truly believe what they are telling you because they are so messed up. They want you to believe it too and sometimes it is hard not to as the can wear you down in so many ways.

I dont know, but mine stbxh Still believes he did nothing wrong. It's still all my fault and I was the one that caused his anger......... I believed this was true for so many years until I left and got help. I learned that anger is owned by the person showing it, not by the person the anger is towards......If they do not admit to themselves they have a problem, then get help for it, then thier cycle of violence will continue unfortunately....

My bf thinks that he was justified to verbally and emotionaly abuse me becuase I did something to hurt his feelings-hes very eye for an eye ect. Were trying to fix it but he says his hurt wont heal and he cant empathise with me because he thinks my feelings are based on incorect memories. I think its ok to express your feeling anger ("Im so f**king angry right now") this dosent imply the other person is responcible for the angry persons feelings but that they own there feelings, also its not insulting. Rather than ("its yuor fault im this angry bi*ch, your a waste of space"). I think not feeling responsible for yur own anger is unhealthy. Not being able or willing to try to heal hurt that he feels is unhealthy and not being able to empathise with me isnt normal. I think its pretty basic to be able to look through someones eyes for a minit and imagine how they might be feeling about the way they are perceiving things. I do it for him when the "world is against him and out to get him".

I was in a relationship with a guy that could be nice one minute and then turn around and just knock you down and beat you. they don't change. His was a chemical imbalance. when he finally seen somebody they put him on meds. they worked for a few days then he said that he didn't need them that he had changed. they never do. That was 2 years ago and from what i have heard about him he has beaten every girlfriend he's had. Includeing his pregnant girlfriend.

Oh they definitely can justify everything. I am living with somebody who does it. Very hard to deal with. I haven't had any counseling either. I wish he would. Maybe I should. this is why I came here.

From what i have read recently they eather have a Borderline personality disorder If they behaive abusively to more than just their partner) or they have created a mindset that excuses there behaiviour so they can live with a the bernifits of there partner being under there thum (not haveing to do chores if they dont want to, not having to lisen to there partner if they dont want to ect)