I have been going on and on about lining up my ducks. Saving, getting other things lined up, waiting til the kids were in school (this has been a year long process). My husband has been physically abusive in the past and has really stepped up his game of psychological warfare over the past year. He tells me what to think, when to go to bed (for several months he forced me to take sleeping pills so that he could enforce bedtimes), where I can sleep, what I should feel, and makes me accountable for all of my time.(Accuses me of taking too long when I am out with the kids, won't allow me to walk the dog, tells me who I am allowed to talk to, what I have to make for dinner, when it has to be ready, how I have to raise the kids, etc etc). It feels like I am even held accountable for everyone else we know. I get yelled at if they make decisions that don't agree with him. I am afraid to disobey him, as he has said "go ahead and assert yourself....you remember how that worked out for you in the past". I feel paralyzed with fear, fear of him, fear to make a mistake, fear for my kids. I am feeling especially low right now, because I have been trying to get a job, but it seems like nothing is opening up. People that know me, think that I am a strong woman, and I feel like a complete fraud. Somedays I do believe all the stuff I spout about women's rights and self empowerment....somedays I just fall in line. (Thanks for letting me vent...)
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