Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I need feedback. Now I see where my husband learned his abusive behavior. I have spent the last 5 years keeping the peace with this woman out of respect of the fact that she is my husbands mother, and the grandma of my child. She has disrespected me, belittled me, cast upon me her unasked for, old school ways of raising children, and now she came into my home and raised her voice at me, picked a fight and kept it going even after I asked her to leave, and all in front of my son. She told me I 'don't care about people", said that she "realizes I was raised in an unstable environment...", and insulted my intelligence by telling me "look at you, you can't even verbalize what you want to say" because I was biting my tongue due to the fact that my 4 year old son was 5 feet away. Now, my abusive husband's reaction is to do nothing or say nothing because he doesn't want to be in the middle. So it is apparently ok with him for his mom to physically hit his son in public when I was 10 feet away just because he threw a tantrum. This is one of the things that began the whole "fight" because she asked what I expect from her. She did'nt like my calm response, so she she interrupted me and started yelling....I feel like I am drowning here in the sea of psychotic people who surround me. I am wondering if I am over reacting, or is it the abused persons "warped thinking" that is getting the best of me.
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
As to your husband, he should have spoken up.
I went through exactly the same with my m-in-l and ex-h, and the only way eventually was out of the relationship.
Once my daughter burnt her hand very badly on an open brazier (on their farm) and the bind-a-twine which was plastic welded itself onto her hand. Screaming, I put it under cold water and told ex-h we needed to get to the hospital. He refused and his mother told me I was mental and should be in a mental home. That the hospital was not necessary and that it would be ok.
I went to hospital with my other two kids in tow and HE at the very last minute caused trouble by deciding to come to. The Doctor's said it was very very good and necessary to bring daughter to hospital and she got specialist treatment on her hand, that lasted 2 weeks b4 the basic dressings came off. That's how mental I was. (NOT).
So - yes it can happen that m-in-law and husband gang up against you - my ex-h could not disagree with his mum or challenge her behaviour. Every one tiptoed round her and she always got upset.
I am well out of it all now.
Good luck, but I would tell her firmly and straight exactly what you expect, where your boundaries are, what she can and cannot do and what is appropriate grandmotherly action. She is not your kid's parent, and, unless she is babysitting and in a locus-parentis role, and the action is to keep the child safe - should not be hitting him.
(I say this, cos the one main time i smacked my tantruming girl, was when she threw a lie down screaming kicking fit in the middle of crossing a road. Better safe with a tap on the let than squashed under a car.)
Stay safe, stay strong, let us hear from you.
My ex-h's father was the source of his abuse. He would verbally attack my m-i-l viscously. He never got into any confrontations directly with me, it was all back-handed. Him and my husband would get into discussions and diatribes that were sexist and demeaning towards women who weren't barefoot and pregnant, while his mother and I were both very successful in the business world. When we objected, that was just confirmation that we were "too sensitive" and "too emotional" to be objective in any business setting.
As for your m-i-l striking your son in public, I agree with the others that it was over the top and is grounds for you to limit her being able to see her grandson.
Sometimes choices we have to make are between bad and worse. Which is better? For your son to grow up with limited contact with his father and your inlaws (hopefully understanding that he is being limited because their behaviors are unacceptable) or having him grow up in this toxic environment thinking that this is normal behavior and the way that husbands treat their wives and grandparents treat their grandchildren (which is ripe for him to continue this cycle of abuse).
"A. your mother-in-law is as miserable as cat shit and twice as mean"
I have never ever forgotten that line. It was so appropo for that nasty woman.
She had no business coming into your home and belittling you. And as for an unstable environment - what did she think she was creating in front of your son? I'd say that this woman is the unstable one. I'd stay as far away from her as you can. Where is the father in law? Has she beaten him into a corner?
sweetheart, you're my hero!
My husband will not speak up to his mother either or any of his family period. And, your husband will be in the middle whether he likes it or not. Just saying nothing actually puts him there more so.
This will probably just get worse if your husband is unable to speak up. Watch out, cause my husband is resentful of me now, cause I spoke up and didn't keep peace and let them treat me like a doormat and is actually terrorizing me now in retaliation for hurting his family and not accepting them.
My husband is a product of the environment he was raised in. I think there are stronger ties in really dysfunctional families. It's more comfortable to stay tied to that than to leave it.
Good luck to you.