Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

5,381 Members
27,919 Posts
2 Online
Personal Challenges
/ Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abused Friend - what Can I Do?

deleted_user
deleted_user
A close friend of mine is in a relationship and has recently confided in me that her partner has physically beaten her badly on three different occasions (perhaps more but she only brought up 3). The last time was last night and she sported a nasty shiner on her forehead when I popped round for a visit this evening. Last nights incident lasted for a few hours where he beat her whilst she was laying on the floor then kicked her out of his house. My friend has 3 children to her past husband and although her and her current partner don't live together, they are at each others houses a lot.

My friend says 'her mouth gets her into trouble' and almost justifies his behaviour. I know this is far from uncommon but as a close (and only) friend of hers, I don't feel like I can just sit and nod when she tells me these horror stories. She is very strong minded and opinionated so any suggestions as to what she could do seem to offend her intellect. I knwo that in a few days she will be back with him like nothing has happened although she always says "that's it, no more".

Can anyone give me any advice of what I can do or what anyone else has done when in this situation when a close friend is in love with an abuser?
queenvalerie
queenvalerie
Be there. Listen. Try hard not to judge. The last thing she needs is someone she trusts (you) trying to force her hand when it comes to moving on from this. Talking to her is one thing, acting like you know better what is right for her is another. Not that you are doing that, but it really is a heck of a temptation isn't it? To just march in there and yank her out of the house? She will see that as more abuse and control though. Try hard to resist that. Just listen. She will be grateful and forthcoming with more details as she is comfortable, and eventually you will be rewarded with a friend who is whole and healthy and out of harms way.

Good luck! If there's anything i can do to help, just message me. Val
eileenR
eileenR
I was in this same situation a few months back. I was there when she went to court to have the protected order against him. I sat with her at agencies. I know that this helped her at the time. I think we can only be there to have the shoulder ready. She allowed him back in the house 2 months later and now she puts her head down when she looks at me. I am not mad she let him back in. I truely understand. And I hope that the next time he lashes out on her she will be here to call on me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wish there was an answer to this. Had a friend in HS die as she just kept going back to him. One day it went too far. Everybody tried all they could do but she wouldn't press charges or anything. Seems like there should be a way to lock them up in some place to keep them from being harmed and to talk to them for a bit about the situation they are in. I think just like queen said earlier just try to be there and be a friend as much as possible and maybe you will be able to get her out of there.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thankyou everyone. Your input is invaluable to my thoughts on what to do. You are seem to agree on listening and being there when she needs me and I will endeavour to do just that. I think unspecified, you have a very valid point and I will surely ask her what she would tell me if I was in her situation. I do think for her to distance herself from the situation and imagine one of her close friends going through it would perhaps make her think a bit differently. I can only hope and pray that she will gain the strength to realise she doesn't *always* need a man in her life (she is afraid of being alone and has had a boyfriend at all times since she was 16). Now she is cheating on her abusive partner, almost as a silent retribution. Oh what a tangled mess.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Just be there for her. Listen when she talks but don't judge her. It's so hard to leave an abusive relatonship... You can leave only when you are ready, sadly sometimes that takes years. Support her and don't give ultimatums like " leave him or we can't be friends because I can't stand seeing you get hurt." All though it's true she will feel like she can no longer come to you, and she'll be even more isolated. Encourage her.. to leave but don't judge her if she's not ready. Help her to see that she deserves better and that getting hit is not her fault no matter what she says. Eventually she will see this for herself and leave. If the abuse gets worse better she leaves then maybe you should figure out something else to help her get out quickly.
I hope that helps.
deleted_user
deleted_user
oops sorry typo... I meant worse before she leaves...
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • irishwriter

    come unwind in the bp lounge

    Posted by: irishwriter
    Last Reply: kisses2016
    7992
    theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
  • Rizen

    Walk a Day

    Posted by: Rizen
    Last Reply: Rizen
    2575
    I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...