I just want to sum up to others what I have learned about my abuser/situation. They do not change, they adapt, which can be interpreted as change if you do not guard yourself. It is okay to be nice to your abuser only if you are 100% clear with yourself that it will not evoke change in them. I have been working very hard to overcome the hate/hurt I have for stbx, but I know he will adapt to my situation and try to suck me in. I am learning that I can be the person I used to be, treat him kind, yet know anything he does is an adaptation, not a sincere, from the heart gesture. I know that I do not want to be with him ever again. I also know that I have the power to not let this man control my life any further. I am in control of my emotions, not him. I was in Church yesterday, stbx was there, he has used religion as a adaptation technique for months now, he never was interested in 18 years to go to Church, it has crippled me emotionally at times to see him there. Yesterday when it was time to pass the peace, I shook his hand and actually felt no hatred for him. The look on his face was somewhat a look of horror/hatred towards me, I received no pleasure in this, only pleasure in the fact that I did what I wanted to do, to set a good example to my son, and let him know that it is okay to be nice to someone who treats you bad, but it does not mean you have to associate with them, or allow them to control your life/emotions. For the first time in a very long time, I felt in control of myself, and not afraid to look him in the eye and be the person I have always been, only this time, I went home without him, without all the bs that goes along with him, and expect noting in return but "retailiation" for my kindness, either in the form of bs or in the form of kindness disquised as bs. Hopefully I am on my way to many more events like this with him. I am tired of being down and out over a man that cares only about himself, and his needs. I know that there was nothing wrong with me for loving this man, but to be with him is wrong for me.
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