Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

5,084 Members
27,885 Posts
2 Online
Personal Challenges
/ Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse or punishment?

deleted_user
deleted_user
I grew up in a rather strict single parent household. Mum passed away 3 years ago, but I did confront her for her "abusive" actions towards me growing up. Now, I wonder if the therapist just told me that to excuse my own actions or if it's true. I would mouth off and she would slap me across the face. Not always, but up until I was 24. I lived at home until I was 39. I have done things I am not proud of, seeing as how mum struggled to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table with little to no child support. She would call me names, especially when I'd go out with "the boys" from work. I'd come home really late, half drunk after messing around with some of them. She'd call me slut, tramp and some other names I don't remember anymore. She had given me two black eyes; one at 9 and the other at 16 (when there was a boy in the house and they were not allowed). This was also when she tried to strangle me, saying she hoped I died. Well, I didn't because she stopped. Was this abuse? Or was she punishing me for disobeying me? I'm still trying to figure that out. If it is, then I have become an abuser by ignoring my husband or leaving to shop over the weekends. Dad is also dead and wasn't present in my life. Sorry this is long.
deleted_user
deleted_user
To add to my comments above, when I confronted mum, she never forgot that and would say "I abused you" in a really sarcastic tone when we'd get into a fight over the phone. I left her @ 39, moved in with my now husband. I am disassociative and somewhat self centered. Dad slapped mum around too growing up.
jimmysquirrel
jimmysquirrel
i can tell you that your therapist wasn't lying. you were abused plain and simple... now the only reason you a questioning it, is that you truly don't know any other way that people grew up.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, honey, you were very much abused!
LindaJean
LindaJean
No parent should give their child black eyes. I think that was very serious abuse.
LindaJean
LindaJean
No parent should give their child black eyes. I think that was very serious abuse.
deleted_user
deleted_user
YES, U WERE VERY ABUSED, no matter what u may have done disobeying her rules, no one should ever be mentally and physically abused there is no excuse for it, WILDTHING!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I also came from a very strict portuguese family.Although my father never touch my father he most definetly was the dictator of the household. He would beat me badly and verbaly abuse severly. I had at one time broken broken fingers to show for it. I lived in a portuguese neighborhood where that was considered discipline. After many years of therapy I still sometimes think was it really abuse? Although I was not "wildthing" I would only have to give him imaginary looks to be "disciplined". I totally understand and yes you were abused!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Clearly your Mum's behavior was sometimes abusive. Certainly giving you a black eye is not punishment. However, since your Mum was a single mother struggling to raise you I think you can assume that she had to cope with some abuse herself and was perhaps passing some of it on to you. I am not excusing her behavior but just saying that maybe in context this wasn't an abusive relationship.

Were her motives in calling you names when you went out with boys to humiliate you, or was she trying to scare you into not getting pregnant and ending up a single mother too. If she was finding it tough, maybe she was desperate to keep you from being in the same position and she didn't know how else to deal with the possibility. I don't know. It's up to you to decide. I am just saying that the fact that abusive behavior occurred doesn't neccessarily mean that your whole relationship with your mother was an abusive one.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Bubbles63, I think in my heart you are right. I didn't believe that she intentionally hurt me. I think she was over whelmed with having to care for two kids, one of whom was having issues. (Not me either LOL). I believe she was also abused, and afraid I would end up dead or pregnant. She was 9 when the 2nd world war ended, and it was a scary time. She was also abused verbally and physically by my dad during their marriage. So I think she did what she thought was best to protect me. I also think that we were very much alike, stubborn and opinionated, so we clashed. I miss her and miss talking to her. I'm glad I had that 4 months taking care of her before her death. Even though we didn't talk about it, at least I was there for her. Thanks for taking the time to respond.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You were abused. What a wonderful question though really. My father felt he was disiplining me. Even when he strangled me, tackled me to the ground, threw tv's at me, and even tore doors off the hindges to get me ( to name a few!). Amazing how they try to play it off.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You were abused. My mother hit or slapped or slammed me any chance she could. Why? I will never know. I can tell you that I broke the chain of abuse, i do not abuse my kids, thank God.............
SeekingStrength19
SeekingStrength19
You had me at "two black eyes." Yeah, you were abused.

No child, regardless of age, deserves to be hit so hard that it causes brusing. That's abuse in my book.
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • GrassIsGreen

    acknowlodging

    Posted by: GrassIsGreen
    Last Reply: GrassIsGreen
    15
    I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
  • irishwriter

    come unwind in the bp lounge

    Posted by: irishwriter
    Last Reply: MayB
    7908
    theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??