In recent years I have learned a lot about me, who I was before I was abused and who I am after the abuse. I find that several patterns still repeat, which brings to mind I may have some co-dependency issues that need to be dealt with.

I still fear rejection. I still fear being in an argument. I still strive to be the "perfect" wife or girlfriend while fully knowing this can never be achieved because we are all infallible.

I have gained strength and wisdom. I am not afraid to speak out if I feel my "comfort" or "safety" zone as I call them are threatened but yet I revert to withdrawaling into myself when faced with a confrontation directly.

I recall in 1991, I was in a DV Shelter....I cried the whole first night I was there. My family refused to help me and I had never felt so alone. I thought how could I have come to this? How could Ive allowed myself to be abused? What had I done to warrant the abuse?

Over the years I have learned that it was never my fault. I didnt do anything wrong. It was THEM (I say them because since '91 I had a string of relationships, some were abusive, some weren't). In 2001 I had married for the second time. This time to a man I had known since childhood. We had a son (now 5 yrs.) I should've known something was amiss when we had gotten into our first fight. It was the content of the fight, and I knew what he was accusing me of was wrong. He, it appeared to me, was testing me to see how far he could push me. It seemed he had been setting me up for failure, to be abused but I didnt see it coming. He did this by making me believe I was crazy through manipulation.

We went back and forth like this for almost 6 years. The abuse escalated into verbal assults, emotional blackmail, and a load of other abusive tactics he used to wear down my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. At one point he had threatened to commit suicide...but I didnt believe him simply because if someone is going to do that they dont usually talk about it they just do it so that tactic didnt work.

I filed for custody, and child support but I didnt (and still dont) have the money for a divorce. That is currently in the works. When he comes to see his son now, I make sure I have someone with me. Not that I am actually afraid of what he might do but I know from prior experience with him how unstable he can be as an abuser. I let him know upfront that if he comes to my home under any other pretense than seeing his son, or starts a fight in any way, the visit ends. Automatic.

It took my years to learn to control my own temper, and to not show emotion of any kind in my speaking with him. I learned it was not my fault, but I dont blame him for it either. I discovered that if I didnt stand up for my children or myself then nothing was going to change.

Abuse, I discovered; is a continual cycle and to show fear (abuse is about power and control), and/or to deny being a victim only perpetuates that cycle. In doing so we tend to lose a sense of reality and ourselves, then we end up laying the guilt and ownership of that guilt on ourselves..which again just perpetuates the situation.

How can we allow ourselves to break free if we are so afraid to stand up and say enough? We are shells of our former selves in abuse situations (ie. having self-esteem, being independant..etc) because at some point when the abuse first began we allowed ourselves to become immeshed with people who clearly had no regard for us as human beings, let alone individuals with our own minds (and hearts). We allowed them to take away our rights as people.

I remember years ago, watching the Burning Bed, and the Tracey Ullman Story on Lifetime. I sat there and cried through both movies. I told myself I would never let myself be abused like that. But then it happened, and at the time I wasnt even aware of it and I think that is the point. We aren't aware it is happening until we are so embroiled in it that our safety becomes questioned.

I think a victim of say physical abuse would be more aware (albeit in denial), of the abuse because it is a more outwardly sign whereas say verbal and/or emotional abuse is more inward. The damage is just as evident but not readily seen. Unless we commit ourselves to leaving our abusers (which I had also learned), nothing is going to change and the cycle of violence continues.

Ultimately for me and thousands of others like me, it broke down to a matter of choice. To be a victim, and have my children suffer also by watching me be abused (and remember to this gives children 2 options growing up, to be an abuser or a victim themselves), or to be a survivor.

The only way I found to change our lives was to leave and commit myself to leaving for good irregardless of the repercussions. It was and is the only way to protect myself and my children from a lifetime of abuse.

SUGGESTIONS FOR SELF DISCOVERY

A Daily Journal


Keep a daily journal. It doesnt matter what you write in it, even if its the same word over and over again..if thats what's on the mind at that moment, write it. Record thoughts, feelings, dreams, goals. Over time the more you write the more you can see a pattern in the way the abuser dolls out the abuse and THEN you can determine a plan of escape that will be safe for you (and the kids if any). Once a week, or a month, go back over your entries and see what you have gained or lost. Over time again, you can see a pattern emerging that will lead you to your ultimate goal.

Meditation and/or Prayer

Meditation and prayer are also useful tools for self-discovery. Meditation brings us deep within ourselves so that we may connect with our higher selves.

Prayer enables us to connect with our higher power and opens the doors recieve Divine intervention which can lead to God putting people in our path that can help us.

The trouble is most people expect God to work things out immediately and God doesnt work that way. God is on a different time schedule than we are, however, mean we aren't heard. God is working in our lives whether we notice it or not (and most of the time we don't, its just human nature). God does hear our prayers but sometimes only gives us what we readily need and not necessarily what we want.

Take Off Your Shoes and Walk in the Grass!

People dont realize how freeing and even theraputic it is to take off their shoes and go silly on some grassy knowle somewhere, even if its for 5 minutes.

We think that somehow, someway we can "save" our abusers, or that we can change them, but the majority of domestic violence cases has shown that abusers dont. They have to want it for themselves.

By connecting to the earth beneath our feet we become grounded back to reality and realize if that's what we had been thinking (to save or change the abuser) then we have been in a fantasy world.

If an abuser does it once, they will do it again and continue the cycle of abuse until we stand up and stop it irregardless of the consquences. Once we commit ourselves to leaving our abusers for good and succeed in that goal, then we can take off our shoes and go silly on some grassy knowle a lot more often!