Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This post is a copy an paste from an old thread. I think there are enough new people here that may not have ever seen it and it was really helpful to me.
____________________________
Red Flags can tell us that we need to tread water for a while, and reassess this relationship. If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may be in a potentially dangerous relationship!
Does he reject your right to decide if you'll use birth control?
Does he reject your right to decide whether to work at a paid job?
Does he refuse to let you spend time alone?
Is he upset you have other friends?
Is he displeased at your accomplishments and ambitions?
Does he have trouble accepting the fact that women can and should be wise, worldly, confident, strong, decisive and independent as men?
Does he refuse to talk and listen?
Does he hide from you the fact that his feelings are hurt?
Does he think its bad for men to show they are weak or vulnerable and to cry sometimes - aside from after he has abused you?
Is he unable to express affection aside from the times he's sorry for abusing you and when he wants, or you are having sex?
Are there some special traits about women's ability to express emotions, willingness to be vulnerable, that he admires
Does he dislike or degrade his mother or sister?
Does he lack good friends?
Does he lack interests besides you?
When angry, does he break or throw things?
Does he lose his temper over small things, especially when he doesn't perform as well as he would like?
Does he ask you about other men in your past life?
does he want to know where you have been when you have been out?
Does he believe husbands should make the important decisions?
Does he reject your opinion?
Does he think there are any circumstances in which it is okay for a man to hit a woman?
Is he jealous of your friends or relatives?
Does he think you are with another man when you are not home when he calls?
Does he think men should earn more than women in the same job?
Does he especially want baby boys and associates fathering boys with masculinity?
Does he think you have enough education even though you want to go to school?
Does he get angry if meals are late, or food isn't just right?
Does he take over when you are having trouble doing something whether you want to or not?
When he is hurt, does he act angry instead?
Does he silently sulk when angry?
Does he ridicule you for being stupid, or for characteristics that are typical of women?
Do you like yourself less than usual when you have been with him?
Has he spent time in jail?
Was he abused as a child?
Does he sometimes put you on a pedestal, saying he doesn't deserve you?
Are there some qualities you especially like about yourself that he disapproves of or ridicules?
When you have acted independently, has he called you a "woman libber" or "dyke"?
Has he been in fist fights or hit other women he's been involved with?
Has he ignored your feelings?
Has he continually criticized you, called you names, or shouted at you?
Has he ridiculed or insulted your religion, race, heritage, or class?
Has he withheld approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment?
Does he insult your friends and family?
Does he humiliate you in private or public?
Does he refuse to socialize with you?
Does he try to keep you from working?
Does he try to control your money?
Does he try to make all the decisions?
Does he make excuses for not working?
Is it all right to spend your money but not his?
Does his punishment of children seem excessive?
Does he tell you about past affairs?
Is he abusive to pets?
Does he tell anti-woman jokes or make demeaning remarks about women?
Does he treat women as sex objects?
Does he get jealous and assume you would have sex with anyone?
Has he publicly shown sexual interest in other women?
Does he call you names like "whore" or "frigid"?
Has he had affairs after agreeing to a monogamous relationship?
Does he assume the right to control how you live and behave?
Do you rehearse what you will say so as not to make him angry?
Does he bewilder you by switching from charm to rage without warning?
Do you often feel confused, off balance or inadequate with him?
Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong?
Do you fear his reactions?
____________________________
Red Flags can tell us that we need to tread water for a while, and reassess this relationship. If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may be in a potentially dangerous relationship!
Does he reject your right to decide if you'll use birth control?
Does he reject your right to decide whether to work at a paid job?
Does he refuse to let you spend time alone?
Is he upset you have other friends?
Is he displeased at your accomplishments and ambitions?
Does he have trouble accepting the fact that women can and should be wise, worldly, confident, strong, decisive and independent as men?
Does he refuse to talk and listen?
Does he hide from you the fact that his feelings are hurt?
Does he think its bad for men to show they are weak or vulnerable and to cry sometimes - aside from after he has abused you?
Is he unable to express affection aside from the times he's sorry for abusing you and when he wants, or you are having sex?
Are there some special traits about women's ability to express emotions, willingness to be vulnerable, that he admires
Does he dislike or degrade his mother or sister?
Does he lack good friends?
Does he lack interests besides you?
When angry, does he break or throw things?
Does he lose his temper over small things, especially when he doesn't perform as well as he would like?
Does he ask you about other men in your past life?
does he want to know where you have been when you have been out?
Does he believe husbands should make the important decisions?
Does he reject your opinion?
Does he think there are any circumstances in which it is okay for a man to hit a woman?
Is he jealous of your friends or relatives?
Does he think you are with another man when you are not home when he calls?
Does he think men should earn more than women in the same job?
Does he especially want baby boys and associates fathering boys with masculinity?
Does he think you have enough education even though you want to go to school?
Does he get angry if meals are late, or food isn't just right?
Does he take over when you are having trouble doing something whether you want to or not?
When he is hurt, does he act angry instead?
Does he silently sulk when angry?
Does he ridicule you for being stupid, or for characteristics that are typical of women?
Do you like yourself less than usual when you have been with him?
Has he spent time in jail?
Was he abused as a child?
Does he sometimes put you on a pedestal, saying he doesn't deserve you?
Are there some qualities you especially like about yourself that he disapproves of or ridicules?
When you have acted independently, has he called you a "woman libber" or "dyke"?
Has he been in fist fights or hit other women he's been involved with?
Has he ignored your feelings?
Has he continually criticized you, called you names, or shouted at you?
Has he ridiculed or insulted your religion, race, heritage, or class?
Has he withheld approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment?
Does he insult your friends and family?
Does he humiliate you in private or public?
Does he refuse to socialize with you?
Does he try to keep you from working?
Does he try to control your money?
Does he try to make all the decisions?
Does he make excuses for not working?
Is it all right to spend your money but not his?
Does his punishment of children seem excessive?
Does he tell you about past affairs?
Is he abusive to pets?
Does he tell anti-woman jokes or make demeaning remarks about women?
Does he treat women as sex objects?
Does he get jealous and assume you would have sex with anyone?
Has he publicly shown sexual interest in other women?
Does he call you names like "whore" or "frigid"?
Has he had affairs after agreeing to a monogamous relationship?
Does he assume the right to control how you live and behave?
Do you rehearse what you will say so as not to make him angry?
Does he bewilder you by switching from charm to rage without warning?
Do you often feel confused, off balance or inadequate with him?
Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong?
Do you fear his reactions?
-
I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
-
theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
I knew a woman who is in a highly abusive and controlling relationship. For years she has vowed to leave him and she never. She says that she is a strong woman and can handle him and that she is too afraid to be alone in the world. Her health has turned poor and she has high blood pressure. One of her adult children walked away from her due to the relationship she has with her hubby cause he interfered and had control over thie relationship. It seems like no wake up call would bring her to reality.....that was just my insight as to why somebody would stay that long in a relationship like that. Another thing maybe is that she is unable to take personal responsiblity and that he is the one in charge...just an opinion here.
okay enough from this Peanut gallery
i hate assholes like this..thaks for posting
Purple, nothing is wrong with a woman other than she is most likely brainwashed and lacks spirit, self-confidence, and self-esteem. It doesn't mean she is a bad person, has mental problems, etc...
There are some excellent books on the topic. Click on Recommendations in the green tool bar above. There are many books that will help. Any of Patricia Evans books are excellent to explain this.
Hugs to you and nothing is wrong with you!
Amanda
Is it any wonder a woman might be totally confused downtrodden devastated, damaged and paralysed by a person like that...
I never considered my ex might be abusive - not until after 35 yrs of marriage and only after the gentle prodding by a wonderful therapist who, for two years recommended that I read Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It was then that I realized I, too, was abused.
Unfortunately, during the first 35 years of my marriage, the abuse was so subtle that I never noticed. Leaving was a fleeting idea that sometimes flashed all too quickly in and out of my brain. I didn't even know why I though about leaving. I was afraid to leave because I didn't want to be alone in the world. And I didn't think I could make it on my own with two kids. I didn't realize I was already "alone." About 10 years ago, before I came out of denial, I volunteered at a local women's shelter and got quite an education. The reason so many women (including me) don't leave is because our self-esteem is continually being eroded. We are brainwashed to believe that we had/have no personal power and can NOT make it alone. That is the insidiousness of abuse. And it is NOT our faults!!!
Originally I tried to be as understanding and caring as possible. If there was an initial problem, I'd be more than willing to work thru it via communicating whenever possible. There were things of course though that never got better and at the end are most of the reasons why I'd simply never take her back. I understand she was hurting, but that did not give her the right to do the things she did to me, nor to do the things she's doing now to me and my daughter.
I'd help her thru her own pain, and some abuse is always going to spill over, but it should not be an ongoing thing or just how it is. People will make mistakes when learning how to do something new, like living in a non-abusive relationship for example. If they refuse to change however, well then that's when we have to decide how much we should or are willing to sacrifice and give up for someone that refuses to stop hurting us just because it's easier...
-Gil
Even if things weren't gender based it's still taboo to most men to admit to or even be "abused" by a woman. Even if there was 1 mens only shelter for every womens shelter it would be mostly empty. I'm just grateful I've found a few services to help me out in my situation. I'm just hoping something can be done for my daughter and soon.
I can't claim to be a good or great father, I simply try to do what's right for my daughter and family and do it in the best way I can. Sadly, just doing what's right is missing a lot in the world around us now a days.
-Gil