I have been married for over 10 years now to a man who has to hate me. I don't know what I am doing wrong and I don't know how to let him go. We have five small daughters together and I love him but I don't know how to keep living this way. I dream of something awful happening to me so I won't have to live this way anymore. This morning he goes through my cell phone and there is some kind of #777 in the data on my phone, turns out HE is the one who caused that by accidentally going on something that uses data when he was looking through my phone. I tried to call the cell phone company to find out what it was and he wouldn't even let me get to a customer service rep before he slapped the phone out of my hand and through my phone against the wall and broke it and then proceded to call me every awful name he could think of and tell me he was leaving and it was b/c I was a cheater. I'm not a cheat, I have never done anything like that to him. But something in me is changing, I feel so angry inside, I am starting to become aggressive back and it is not in my nature. I feel like I need to be sitting here all day and never do anything b/c I can't find the energy to get up and do anything, even when I do it is never right for him. I don't clean good enough, I don't cook good enough, I am a total idiot, loser, bitch. I don't know what happened to ME. Where did I go? What happened to the happy beautiful girl who loved life? Who loved animals and children? Who was all fun? Now all I do is see the negative in everything. I don't want to get up and go anywhere or do anything, it just takes too much energy. I feel so alone even though I have my five kids here all the time, he is here a lot of the time too. He comes home every day, he pays all the bills, he gives me money, he takes care of everything, but then he turns around and physically and emotionally abuses me. What is wrong w/ me that he has to hurt me? What did I ever do to him to be so mean and hateful?He says I don't clean or cook. many years ago I would try and try to make things right and he would say I couldn't cook, my cleaning wasn't right, my food was never right, I suck as a parent and after a while I think I just gave up and stopped cleaning and stopped cooking b/c I was such a failure at it. It doesn't matter how hard I try it's just never good enough, just never right. Prime example. He drive 12 hrs to pick up a truck for me that I bought on ebay b/c we had a baby and we needed more seats to drive them around safely. I wanted to show my appreciation so I tried to make him a real mexican meal b/c he's hispanic and I'm white and he is always talking about how he misses things his mom made. I made fresh tortillas and chili con carne the best I could. I understand it wasn't like his moms but I tried my hardest and the first thing he starts in on is what ingredients I used and how it tastes like white people food and that I'm too slow making the tortillas and just everything about it is wrong. I didn't say anything to him but my feelings were really hurt. I keep telling myself just to keep trying but I don't know if it will ever be good enough for him. Am I doing something wrong? He says I am just stubborn and selfish and I don't see that I am really wrong and that he has every right to be mad. I told him to leave today, but I've told him before and eventually I miss him and I call him back. I want to be strong, I want to just be happy by myself but I don't know that I can. I don't know that I am strong enough to take care of 5 kids without him. He was in prison for 15 months for DWIs and would you know I was happier with him than any other time in our marriage. I felt truly loved and appreciated, respected and I started to really love life again. After he got out it didn't take anytime at all for me to start feeling like this again. So I know I can make it, I know I can be happy, I just don't know that I believe it wasn't some kind of fluke. What is wrong with me? Please someone tell me what is wrong with me?
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