i feel like a weight has been lifted. i was dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. at first everything was wonderful. i should have know though that he wasn't the greatest guy when after a month of dating he called me a slut for sleeping with him on the first date after i told him that i didn't want to have sex if he chose to get out of whatever military thing he was in to come be with me. i ignored it though. figured he just really wanted to be with me and just got really mad. after that until recently, everything is a blur. although i don't believe he ever physically cheated on me, i know he emotionally cheated. he would talk about a girl he worked with constantly (before that he would constantly talk about his ex. A LOT of stories everyday from little things like what she bought for him or their household to sex stories) he would tell me how beautiful she is, how funny she is, just all in all a great person. he never said those things about me and he stopped spending anytime with him. if i asked when we were going to the store because we needed groceries, i was nagging him. but he always had time for her. even got up to pick up the phone when she called while we were making love. he'd tell me how i should look like her. eventually that relationship ended, she filed for sexual harassment against him. even to this day when we talk about what happened, he says that i'm being paranoid and jealous, they were only friends and he just got tired of her blowing him off to hang out. i knew i was right about what happened, but still felt that maybe i was blowing things out of proportion. from there things just got worse. we argued constantly, a few times he had hit me. i didn't think it was a big deal because he'd slap me on the leg or throw clothes at me. it wasn't a punch in the face. mostly his abuse was metal though. i never could do right. if i didn't clean the house as soon as it was dirty, i was lazy and pathetic, i needed to get a job and actually contribute to the house. when i did clean he didn't notice. and when i got a job, and went to school and cleaned and cooked, it still wasn't enough. i was only working part time and going to school part time, so all the responsibilities were still up to me. if i wanted sex or intimacy and he didn't, i was needy. if he wanted those things and i didn't, i didn't love him and we'd either fight or i would just do what he wanted anyway. he would email other women, obviously looking for a relationship, since i had his passwords, i'd check, get angry and show him what he wrote after he'd deny trying to talk to anyone. then after showing him the proof, he'd say that he didn't write it or send it and it must be a virus. i felt like i was crazy. even though i didn't believe him, i did. at one point it got so bad that he kicked me out. to be honest i didn't help. we were fighting because he wouldn't spend time with me and he had plans to hang out with his guy friends and i wanted him to be with me. while i was out, he told me to pack my things and leave. i said i wouldn't and when i got home, he left and i thought he was going to go after my mom, who drove me there. i texted him saying "your stuff is mysteriously breaking" that was stupid, but i thought it would get him back to the house without bothering my mom and we could talk through the whole thing. instead he called my uncle who was living with my mom at the time, told him what i wrote and that he wanted to "beat my ass" and told him to come get me. then he called his friend to be there "to make sure i wouldn't hurt you" he said. he fought with me and said so many mean lies in front of his friend and packed my things and kicked me out. he tried to make my family think i was crazy and irrational. and did make his friend believe i was crazy and irrational. eventually we got back together and i moved back in. things were ok. i was annoyed that his brother (who was living there now) could get away with not cleaning, making the house a mess and doing whatever he wanted without getting constantly bitched at, like he would do to me when i was helping out. but i got over it. we still had arguments, but we would talk it out and come to a compromise. he went to florida to visit his parents and wouldn't bring me with him. he said he couldn't afford to, although i later found out he just got $3000. we fought about him going without me and i told him i don't want to date him anymore. once he realized i was serious, he said he wanted to get enganged, he was ready for that commitment. so i said, ok, let's do that. (never happened though. we went shopping for rings and he said the ones i was looking for weren't engagement so we're not going down that path. he never discussed it with me. when i brought it up, he said he doesn't think we're ready, but if that's what i want, he'll do it. then i wasn't in a good mood for a couple of days, so he couldn't get engaged to me) we were very good while his bother was there. i guess because we had to be. when his brother started getting sick of being around and he'd be gone from the house more often, we started fighting more often. and then he started spending more time with his friends (i still don't know if he really was seeing his friend or someone else) everytime he was going to his friend's house, i couldn't come. it was a boys night out, they had a lot of those. or he was just stopping by during his lunch hour at work because he lived so close by. then what lead to the end, his friend from california was in town and they were going to hang out. i told him how i felt about the whole thing, tried to talk to him about it, because i wanted to go with him. he said i was being a tagalong and being needy and it was just a quick trip out and he didn't want to have a third wheel and that his friend might say something to make my bf want to punch his friend out. nevermind the fact that this was the same friend that him and his gf and his friend's gf would all hang out together all the time. i told his it was important to me and important for us. he went without me anyway. again, i made a bad decision and texted him saying i was out with a guy and didn't know when i'd get back. it wasn't true and when he returned and saw me there, he got really pissed, threw my clothes at me and packed up my stuff and drove me home. i went in my house and couldn't find my cell phone or ipod. so i called him and he had them, but wouldn't give them to me. i tried to take them from him and he wrestled me, twisted my arm, and bit me, and nearly run me over and drove off with my things. i called the cops and they gave it to me. when i talked to him later he said they tried to get him to press charges against me because he got a scratch on his head. i don't know if that's true or not. i called him the next day to see if i could get the rest of my stuff that was at his house. he didn't answer. i thought maybe he was asleep so i went over. i just wanted the whole thing over with so i could move on. i knocked and he didn't answer, the lady upstairs said maybe something happened to him and i freaked out. i still cared and loved him, so i went in through the window to make sure he was ok and nothing else. he was sitting in bed watching tv and then saw me, stormed up to me and hit me and pushed me into the dishwasher before finally pushing me out the door. still unable to get my things. i called the cops and he said he'd let me get my things as long as we don't fight. i had no intention on fighting with him, so we went inside. and my ex started a fight with me. and because of that, the cop didn't let me get the rest of my things, never said a word to my ex about him arguing with me. although the cop did tell my mom to leave because she asked if a certain item was mine. the cop said i could get a court order to get the rest of my things.... turns out that was a lie. i was distraught. i wanted my things, but mostly i wanted him back. i felt like i was at fault for everything. i always felt that way. no matter what he did, or said, it was my fault. i know i made stupid mistakes and dumb decisions, but none of them warranted the response that i got. he would tell me that if i got with another guy, i would get pregnant and get std's. and that i couldn't leave him because our lives are so intertwined. he told me this all the time. and i believed it. i am still afraid to be with another guy. and until today, thought my life will never be good without him and felt lost without him. i felt so confused as to why i wanted to be with this guy so much but feared being with him. why was i saying i'm not at fault, but feeling that i was? he had his friends against me, saying i was crazy and he shouldn't be with me. he put those thoughts in their heads, and never stuck up for me. and even now i'm afraid people will think i was in the wrong and that i am crazy. but i feel deep inside that my biggest problem was him. and i need help to stop thinking bad about myself and feeling wrong all the time. which i will be getting help soon. but since i just realized all this, really just realized that i was in a bad relationship i wanted to tell my story, not only so maybe someone going through the same thing, where the abuse isn't as obvious as a smack in the face everyday, might know that the relationship isn't right. but also so i can remember that myself and don't go back and hopefully not get into the same relationship with another person. thanks for reading guys.
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