ok, this is gonna be long so bear with me. I am 31. At age 25 I had (what I now know as panic) my first panic attack. I was working and out of nowhere, I began having a very hard time breathing, It felt like I was breathing through a straw. I grew up, never had an asthma attack, so it was very strange, I was rushed to the hospital and by the time I got to the Emergency room, I was breathing normally and I was released, I was told I had an acute asthma attack. This scared the hell out of me and I began to have these episodes over a few month period, more frequently. Everytime It happened, I rushed to the local E.R. near my house and I was treated with albuterol and I left usually worse than I went in, I was told I developed asthma as an adult. I began to have these problems daily, so much so that I had to take a leave of absense from work, I stayed home alot fearing my next breathing attack, which were now almost daily. I repeatedly went back to the same hospital near my house for treatment for this new issue I had, I wasn't able to handle the stress of it, I felt like I would die if I didnt get to the hospital to get treatment for the asthma attack, I lost my job after a few months of disability ran out. I began making 4 trips to the local E.R. a week on average....the doctors were getting angry thinking I was a junkie that wanted drugs, in a year period, I managed to visit this emergency room 229 times, the doctors at the E.R. began verbally making fun of me, to my face, the workers began breaking my chops and laughing at me and giving me a hard time, all the while I was scared that I was dying...I was told I have severe asthma that isn't responding to treatment and to see a family doctor for a referral to a pulmonoligist, I did so but between seeing the pulmonologist I was in the E.R again a few times, they finally called the police on me one night at the hospital, they told the police I was a drug addict that was coming in to score drugs, ( I was never prescribed anything from them in all 230 + visits) the cops came to remove me from the hospital and the one officer asked to speak with me to the side and asked me what my deal was, I began explaining my situation to him and he kinda was taken aback at my story and he told me, have you ever been diagnosed with anxiety?? I asked him what anxiety was, I had no clue what it was, nobody ever told me I had anxiety or even hinted to me about panic attacks, I said no, I have asthma, he said, it sounds like you are having panic attacks, because I was so speedy in talking to him and yet I was talking normally, he said if I had asthma I wouldnt be speaking so normally with breath..so he went back in to the hospital and asked to speak to a chief doctor in charge and with me there, asked the chief physician if I was ever diagnosed by the hospital for possible anxiety/panic attack issues, the doctor said no, never. the officer then got really angry and said, I feel this guy is having panic attacks, not trying to score drugs, he then asked about my urine samples in the past, If I ever tested positive for drugs, the doctor again said never had drugs in my system, so the cop asked him why do they assume Im a junkie if I have a clean system, drug free and I obviously am having distress, the doctor had nothing to say and the doctor said to me, I guess it is possible you're having panic attacks, and from that point I was referred to a behaviorhealth center for an examination, the police did NOT arrest me, the officer told me he noticed my symptoms because his wife too suffers from panic attacks and generalized anxiety and he saw similarities in my actions to her actions. I went to the behavioral health center and had a 2 hour interview with a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with panic disorder, generalized anxiety and agoraphobia... I was then went to my pulmonologist and found out I have NO signs of asthma at all and was told by the pulmonologist that I am hyperventilating and having classica panic attacks and to seek help mentally...here I was being treated for something I didnt have for almost a year and a half and in the time that I didnt know what was going on, I developed a really major fear of being too far from the hospital. Every time I went too far from the hospital I began having breathing difficulties, panic attacks and such. I had developed an attachment to the hospital as my "safe area" and anything far away ( mile or more) away from the area I began to freak out and go into major anxiety attacks, I wouldnt go far at all, to this day I still dont, I know im safe BUT in my head, I cant comprehend it, I am now completely disabled with severe panic attacks, full blown anxiety attacks, major worry, obsessiveness and I want my life back, I've lost 6 years of my life to this hell and Im scared I'll never get better..Im afraid of medicine, Im afraid to lose control over myself, I am now getting depressed from living such a low quality life, I want and need help badly, I need to stop the obsessing, I need to get control over my panic, my breathing difficulties from my anxiety, Im really scared, I feel so alone in my wierd type of agoraphobia...I feel like nobody else on earth has the fear I have, and that is what scares me most. I mean, honestly, who fears being too far from a hospital, so much so that you build your entire life around the place and can't drive more than a mile tops from the place without freaking out and going into breathing difficulties only to turn around and drive back towards the hospital so that my anxiety goes away and my breathing gets more normal again...I dont go into the hospital anymore but just being near it, gives me comfort and I dont get panic attacks near it....I dont even know what else to say, my life sucks, I hate my life, I hate anxiety, I cry nonstop, I want help, I need help, I want my life back, I want the old me back....I feel so alone, I worry I'll live this life forever, and I know I deserve a better life..I want it back....anyone relate??? I dunno.... :(
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