i was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder...which i kind of fought in the begining but after reading about it and finding that it seemed more like i was reading about my own life i started to accept it a little...i'm still a little not ready for it...but what can i do about it?...it is what it is...right?...now it's up to me to learn all i can about it and get the help i need with it...

one of the main things a person with BPD suffers with is the abandonment stuff...which is one of my biggest fears/issues...has been for a long time...i just never knew why...

these past few months however there have been some really big changes in my life...most within my support system...which mainly consisted of the medical team treating me...

i don't have a god support with my family or within friends...so i rely on the only others i have around....my pdoc...therapist...medical dr....which both my pdoc and primary care dr both left...both in October...so now i have to find new ones...also my therapist also used to run the support group i went to...but also in October she stopped running it...its now run by another therapist...she is nice...nothing wrong with her except i don't know her...and i can't seem to get myself to talk about anything in group now that NEEDS to be discussed...i don't feel safe sharing that part of me with her right now...TRUST is a huge issue and it takes what seems forever to gain that in a person...my therapist knows this and has told me she feels really bad about all these changes...and that she is sorry that she has also been a part of the changes...she knows i don't do well with people leaving and changes...so for now i am seeing her on pretty much a weekly basis...i have been since the beginning of october...and i guess will be for however long it takes to get me back to a more stable way...i feel like i'm just hanging out on a limb...standing on the edge of a cliff...just waiting to fall over the side...

the only way i can describe the emotional pain i'm feeling right now because of all of this is i feel like i could bash my head into a brick wall over and over again and not even come close to the amount of pain there is....

i'm seeing her on wednesday next week...but that too seem sooo far away...i don't know what to do until then...all i have been doing is relying on the only coping that seems to have worked...which are not good ones...