Hi everyone. Just wanted to introduce myself and share my story. This is kind of long. I've always been "crazy" and thrown fits and screamed and yelled when I was feeling insecure. My mother did, too. We also both suffer from horrible depression. When I started dating my current boyfriend, its like things got waaaay worse. He was still talking to his ex girlfriend when we started dating, and he didn't fall head over heels with me at first (like I did him--or anybody else I've dated). He continued to talk to her (just as friends) for about 6 months. For some reason I put all my bad feeling and insecurities about my self and the relationship onto her, and I developed this obsessive hatred of her. They literally haven't spoken in over 20 months (I know the exact date of the last time they did, creepy, huh?) but I am still obsessed with her. It's so embarassing. I hate her; I think she's ugly, fat, stupid, worthless, and I tell him constantly. The thing is, I've never even met her. She lives in Oregon and I live in SoCal. She's never even been a threat to me but all I can think about is that he loved her more, he was happier with her, how he thought she was prettier, how everything he does with me is something he already did with her, how I'm not special, etc. And we fight, and I throw things and he tries to leave and then I freak out and won't let him leave. Today he tried to leave, and I actually threw my cell phone and broke his windshield. I really hate myself for it. Anyway, I went to my school mental health clinic and the dr there diagnosed me with bpd. Another, doc said I was bipolar a couple of years ago, but I am never manic, just angry, so this new diagnosis definitely fits me better. The problem is, he basically said he couldn't help me and that I needed to find sombody who specializes. He gave me a prescription of Wellbutrin for the depression and sent me on my way. I have no money, and no insurance. Not sure how I'm going to pay for a doctor, but I know I cannot live like this anymore.
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