Sometimes I get really depressed for no reason and the next second Ill be fine. But today especially - and this happens like once a month - Ill have a panic attack thinking Im insane, like schizophrenic, because Im like incapable of being really happy. And sometimes Ill be really irrational. And its like when Im somewhat happy its hard to explain what the depression is like and vice versa. Also as time passes I notice I become more and more irrational about things, and have a hard time having a normal conversation with people, even people that were once close friends. Everything is one big awkward moment. Im never truly happy like I remember being when I was a kid. Im so scared, more than anything, of going crazy. I just want to live a normal, happy life, but these thoughts are consuming me. I have really bad anxiety and its hard to go hang out with anyone ever. I always think people are weird or crazy, but I think its really me thats crazy and weird. I didnt used to be this way and I dont know if its because I did drugs -cocaine, weed, mushrooms, benzo pills, Concerta, dexadrine- or what... But I just want to feel like ME. I havent been myself for like 2 years now and Im trying so hard to get better, but my therapist doesnt understand. Sometimes my thoughts get so jumbled I cant even form a sentence so I just get anti social and dont talk to anyone coz it will be awkward and terrible. Please help me if you coudl help in any way.
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