I am in such a mood, I just don't know what to say. I'm sad, frustrated, my mind is going places that I don't want it to go. It just seems like I'm angry all the time and half the time I don't know why. I am in such a state of depression and panic at the same time. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to cause they would all just ask "why? how come? what's wrong? " There are just always questions to be answered and I just don't know what the answers are. It's me, It's my relationship, it's my marriage, it's my life, it's everything. I am so down, and confused. I just want to be held and not treated like a piece of meat. I wanna feel love, not play the actions of it, or have them played out for me. I want realness. I don't know how to ask, request or whatever for it. It seems like I'm begging. I don't want to be an object of someone's fantasies, I want to be their reality. I am human, I am woman, I have feelings, and I want to be treated and respected as such. It seems like so much to ask just to request respect. It seems like too much to ask just to want to be loved for who I am, what I am, not who I used to be, or what I may one day be. I don't know..........Things are so up in the air for me right now. I don't mean to ramble, I'm just so far out there right now. I don't know whether to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out, or to just completely lose it and start tearing the whole damned house apart. I want to do both at the same time. I am so frustrated with myself, my kids, my husband, my neighbors, my therapist, my dad, my gramma, everybody is on my shit list right now ,,,,,,, and why??????? I DON'T FUCKIN KNOW!!!!!!!! So how sad is THAT? How pathetic am I really???? It just seems like I'm not me anymore, I am a mother, a mother, a client, a statistic, and that is it. I'm not me. I'm just a blob that is just one speck of dust on this huge world and I don't mean anything to anybody. I don't know how to act, feel, what to say, what to do, I am so lost right now. My mind is drifting to the past and all I can think of is how I was used as a piece of ass, how I was used by adult men to fullfill fantasies, and I can't help but compare that with the present. Is that what my life is really meant to be used for???? just someone elses enjoyment to fullfill themselves in their sick little ways of life. for their pleasures? for them to just demand or expect me to fullfill their fantasies and be someone I am not? Am I expected for the rest of my life to just accept other's rights and put mine in the trash and forget that I have the right to be loved, respected, and treated like a human being with real flesh and feelings? I'm not barbie, I'm not bertha the fat woman, but I'm not normal or regular either,,,,I'm just a speck of spot on a big planet they call ........ EARTH.
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