i have bpd. i got out of my first non-abusive relationship about 4 months ago. . . it was a really serious one, and i miss it. i was also sexually assulted by a manager at work over a year ago. i've hardly told anyone that, and it's so hard to talk about. there are a lot more stressors to add to these, and my life is more difficult than it ever has been, which is saying a lot. anyways, i had been doing ok with my bpd, but lately the mood swings and the personal attacks on the people i'm closest to have been back in full swing. i'm really embarrassed and frustrated by this. i don't even realized that i'm having one of my "episodes" until it's over and by then it's too late and i've already hurt someone. plus, i'm really scared to ever be in a relationship again because i know it's worse in that setting for some reason and i already feel so insane. . i mean, my disorder was the thing that ruined my last relationship and i can't handle knowing that it's my fault as it is, i just can't imagine the same thing happening again in my life. i've seen plenty of therapists, but no matter what, i can't trust them enough to talk to them on this level, even though i know i need to or i won't get any better. i just hate being vulnerable because i was always taught that crying was weak. and i can't make myself vulnerable to someone, even if they're supposed to be the one that's going to help me. . . i don't know really why i'm posting this on here, i'm just so upset right now and i didn't have anyone to talk to. . so thanks, i guess :)