I am feeling so confused right now. I had an episode of self harm on wednesday and I have been playing with my meds a bit. By that I mean not taking them all the time. I live in a supported living program and my staff has this policy about me going to the ER if I cut. Well I didn't tell them about Wed tll yesterday b/c I didn't wanna go to the ER. I guess what I am confused about is what my therapist said to me today when I told her about the med thing. She said you are trying to push the envelope and see how far you can push it before you go to the hospital. I mean what if I am? I mean I hate the hospital and i don't wanna go but i am acting out. AHHH. I think that this is part of my BPD. This need to be taken care of. The fear that no one will pay attention to me unless I am in crisis. The fear that people will leave me if I am not in crisis. All of these are bPD fears. Part of me likes the hospital b/c I like to be taken care of but most of me HATES it. I just wonder if my therapist is rihgt. SHe said what is going to happen when you push the envelope too far and actually do wind up in the hospital. I told her that won't happen b/c I don't wanna go and b/c the only way they will get me to go isa in a staraight jacket or with the cops. Idk what if that part of me that likes to be taken care of and is scared of all the above things wants toto the hospital. If that is true then I will do something to land there. Idk. I guess this post is kind of stupid and won't get any replies but I just had to write this to get my feelings out. I am scared. I know what I am capable of when I want to be destructive. I hope it doesn't come to that b/c I really HATE the hospital. AHHH I am scared and confused. ANy encouraging words, support or advice would be good. Maybe someone can relate to these feelings? Idk but i hope so. Thanks for reading this.
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