
Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
Separation anxiety
Abandonment issues
Self injury
Anger turned in to self
Depression
Anxiety
Phobias
Panic attacks
Irregular heart beat set off by anxiety
Obsessive thinking about things I cannot change
Lovely list eh!
-Fear of abandonment!!!
-self abuse
-despite praise/praise/praise at work-insecure feeling of "faking it"
-food binges
-suicidal gestures
-chronic emptiness
-chameleon-adapting to environment around me (when younger)now don't care!!
-splitting-idolizing one day , totally devalued/dismissed the person or myself the next to keep in line with "good" and "evil" views
-stormy relationships
-job problem (this is how I lost my job "that I was so good at"-ha)-function productively for long periods, but then suddenly leave(I walked out)-work was sanctuary(I lived there/my classroom looked like a familyroom),-display artistic abilities, fueled by easy access to powerful emotions, can be creative and successful, but a highly critical supervisor can trigger the intense, uncontrolled anger and hypersensitivity to rejection-the rage can destroy a career (this was me on Jan. 17, 2007
-meds help-but not enough
-physical attraction dependancy (although not as attractive as when younger/still work what I got)
-sensitive to others
-phobias
-attraction to cults
-endless quest to find perfect caregiver
-hero worshiping, etc.
The list-some of my big ones from the book.
Anyway, I have a tendancy to put certain people on pedastles(sp?). Recently when I spent about a month in a private psychiatric hospital, I immediately, once I saw her, chose the therapist/social worker on the unit to be that person. For some reason, she was going to be the person I would listen to. I really cared about what she had to say. She would be the one to help me most, even though I had an attending psychiatrist and various mental health associates and nurses available for me to talk to. You know, I have NEVER fit the description of the "difficult borderline" until that most recent hospital stay. Like I said before, I put the therapist up on a pedastle, but I tested her many times, sometimes resorting to being a smart ass. I guess I was trying to determine just how much she really cared about the people she worked with. If I tested her and she didn't back down or give up on me, then she was one of the good ones, I guess you could say. In the end, I came to dislike her VERY much. I even went so far as to write her a letter letting her know how little I appreciated and respected her after an incident in which I clearly heard her talking about me to the other staff members in the nurse's station. Emily, the therapist, was the only one I ever really tested, but for the most part, I was pleasant and cooperative in her groups. It didn't take me long to get super paranoid of her and my doc, though. I knew they were out to get me all of the sudden.
Anywho, my doc ended up giving my case to another doc on the unit, maybe because she didn't want to deal with me anymore. I was always cooperative with her too, so I'm not sure what the problem was. That just made me feel like shit. Mostly, the only way I was really difficult to get stabilized, was because my Bipolar Disorder and BPD were completely out of control, and I hurt myself the entire time I was in the hospital by slamming my fist into the bathroom door, causing it to have to be x rayed. For once in my life, I really felt I had proved to be "the difficult borderline" so many mental health professionals dread or don't want to treat at all, which is sad. also, while i was in the hospital, i learned that one of my best friends was pissed at me, and when i called her, she wouldn't even talk to me. my immediate plan was to ditch her as a friend before she could abandom me. i went through a period of feeling i almost hated her for how she was treating me, among other reasons. my doc kept assuring me it was just my illness causing those feelings.
cults? I don't really have a problem with that, but there are other religions that very much attract me, even though I believe in a christian God. Wicca is something that is sooo appealing to me, so I have to be careful when it comes to that or I know I'll totally go against everything I know and believe. I have wiccan friends, atheists, etc and i don't judge them at all. to each their own! it would, however, be really insane for me to go against what i truly believe, if that makes sense.
uggghh gotta love BPD!