ummm self destructive behaviour and feeling worthless and feeling guilty for feeling emotions...

Self harm thourghts, impulsiveness, anger, mood instability, self destructive behaviour and also my history

Suicidal ideations, impulsivity, severe attachment/abandonment issues.

Huge mood swings
Separation anxiety
Abandonment issues
Self injury
Anger turned in to self
Depression
Anxiety
Phobias
Panic attacks
Irregular heart beat set off by anxiety
Obsessive thinking about things I cannot change

Lovely list eh!

Self destructive behavior-mainly cutting, impulsiveness, fear of abandonment, rapidly changing moods, bouts of uncontrollable rage, poor self image, risky behavior, suicidal ideation, identity issues-not knowing who i am--sometimes even getting it into my head that i'm gay or bisexual. those are all the reasons i can remember off the top of my head. i fit the criteria pretty damn well.

OH and i forgot about depersonalization, a dissociative disorder. i had that too. besides BPD, i suffer from Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, OCD, and Panic Disorder.

My psychiatrist told me I should read a book I HATE YOU-don't leave me. It was me.
-Fear of abandonment!!!
-self abuse
-despite praise/praise/praise at work-insecure feeling of "faking it"
-food binges
-suicidal gestures
-chronic emptiness
-chameleon-adapting to environment around me (when younger)now don't care!!
-splitting-idolizing one day , totally devalued/dismissed the person or myself the next to keep in line with "good" and "evil" views
-stormy relationships
-job problem (this is how I lost my job "that I was so good at"-ha)-function productively for long periods, but then suddenly leave(I walked out)-work was sanctuary(I lived there/my classroom looked like a familyroom),-display artistic abilities, fueled by easy access to powerful emotions, can be creative and successful, but a highly critical supervisor can trigger the intense, uncontrolled anger and hypersensitivity to rejection-the rage can destroy a career (this was me on Jan. 17, 2007
-meds help-but not enough
-physical attraction dependancy (although not as attractive as when younger/still work what I got)
-sensitive to others
-phobias
-attraction to cults
-endless quest to find perfect caregiver
-hero worshiping, etc.
The list-some of my big ones from the book.

Tobi, thanks for sharing. You reminded me of some other symptoms I have, but couldn't think of when I first replied. Before I list them, though, I wanted also to let you and everyone else here know that another good book on BPD is, Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide to Understanding and Living With BPD. I think the author's name is Robert Friedel..something like that. It's an excellent book. I also have I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, but have yet to read it, though I have heard nothing but good reviews of it.

Anyway, I have a tendancy to put certain people on pedastles(sp?). Recently when I spent about a month in a private psychiatric hospital, I immediately, once I saw her, chose the therapist/social worker on the unit to be that person. For some reason, she was going to be the person I would listen to. I really cared about what she had to say. She would be the one to help me most, even though I had an attending psychiatrist and various mental health associates and nurses available for me to talk to. You know, I have NEVER fit the description of the "difficult borderline" until that most recent hospital stay. Like I said before, I put the therapist up on a pedastle, but I tested her many times, sometimes resorting to being a smart ass. I guess I was trying to determine just how much she really cared about the people she worked with. If I tested her and she didn't back down or give up on me, then she was one of the good ones, I guess you could say. In the end, I came to dislike her VERY much. I even went so far as to write her a letter letting her know how little I appreciated and respected her after an incident in which I clearly heard her talking about me to the other staff members in the nurse's station. Emily, the therapist, was the only one I ever really tested, but for the most part, I was pleasant and cooperative in her groups. It didn't take me long to get super paranoid of her and my doc, though. I knew they were out to get me all of the sudden.

Anywho, my doc ended up giving my case to another doc on the unit, maybe because she didn't want to deal with me anymore. I was always cooperative with her too, so I'm not sure what the problem was. That just made me feel like shit. Mostly, the only way I was really difficult to get stabilized, was because my Bipolar Disorder and BPD were completely out of control, and I hurt myself the entire time I was in the hospital by slamming my fist into the bathroom door, causing it to have to be x rayed. For once in my life, I really felt I had proved to be "the difficult borderline" so many mental health professionals dread or don't want to treat at all, which is sad. also, while i was in the hospital, i learned that one of my best friends was pissed at me, and when i called her, she wouldn't even talk to me. my immediate plan was to ditch her as a friend before she could abandom me. i went through a period of feeling i almost hated her for how she was treating me, among other reasons. my doc kept assuring me it was just my illness causing those feelings.

cults? I don't really have a problem with that, but there are other religions that very much attract me, even though I believe in a christian God. Wicca is something that is sooo appealing to me, so I have to be careful when it comes to that or I know I'll totally go against everything I know and believe. I have wiccan friends, atheists, etc and i don't judge them at all. to each their own! it would, however, be really insane for me to go against what i truly believe, if that makes sense.

uggghh gotta love BPD!

JilLxX, totally understand everything you said. I am also a Christian with friends in various other faiths. My husband use to be a drummer in a local (very small town) band. His bandmates have gone in all directions of faith. My husband has been called into the ministry. This was hard for me at first even though I have a strong faith. I was afraid he was going to expect me to fit into a box of expectations for pastor's wives. He has been great. He told me I didn't have to worry about fitting into the box. He has only broken this once when a higher up pastor was going to be in attendance at a function. He asked me to dress conservatively. I reminded him of his promise. He now knows to always expect something loud and flashy on his wife.

Hmmm you know I have never been diagnosed... but I wonder if I have BPD, I don't literally self injure but I abuse my body in other ways like binging. I have an extremely low self image, I either love or hate people, no in between.. if they do one thing wrong, thats it, they suck... if they sincerely apologize, and if I want to believe its sincere, they are good again. I have anger issues, phobias, but I also think I am paranoid, I dont forgive, I believe others are against me and talk about me all the time, I remember every little slight...I guess its possible to have 2 personality disorders if I really do, I am still in the process of getting it diagnosed.. all I know is that my life is fucked up

My symptoms were impulsiveness, suicidal ideation and attempts, mood swings, attachment/abandonement issue. Unable to handle issues that came up, everything is a crises.

self destructive behavior, impulsiveness.