My name is Tripp. I wanted to introduce myself. I have BPD. I figure I'll start out by telling people my story. Ironically I had a very healthy and happy childhood. Both my parents were and are very compassionate and understanding. They always were attentive and caring towards my brother and I. I have a younger brother. I was very happy and content as a child for the most part. But then everything started to go wrong when I was ten years old. I started feeling so depressed I missed at least a day a week at school. I laid in bed all day crying. I was so lost. My mother trying to help me best she could,put me in therapy. From that point on everything in my life changed. As years went by I saw therapist after therapist. When I was twelve I was put on medication. That was just the first they would have me try. Between the ages of 12 and 18 I have been on approx. forty different medications(anti-depressants,mood stabilizers,anti-psychotics and anti-anxiety). None of which worked beside the Seroquel and the narcotic anti-anxiety meds i've been on (Klonopin,Xanax,Ativan). At twelve I also suffered from my first psychotic episode and was hospitalized for the first time for that and anorexia. After that hospitalization I would go on to be hospitalized 9 more times for anything from cutting to suicide attempts to having severe psychotic episodes. I was in a residential when I was only fourteen years old. I spent ten months there before being released. Around that same time I started partying,doing drugs,having sex,and was cutting almost everyday. My relationship with my parents was very stressed during those years. The horrible things I would say and do to them. My little brother saw and heard things no child should ever hear or see. But that was who I was back then. I was reckless,spiteful and completely out of control. I didn't care about myself,my life or anyone in it. I would flip out over nothing. I would curse and scream horrible things,things from the darkest part of my mind. I would break things and kick in walls. My mind,my sanity was gone. I didn't know why this was happening to me and why. I blamed my parents,being locked up in the hospital and the whole world. This all went on for years. I was officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was eighteen but doctors started saying they thought I had it around age thirteen but were unable to diagnose until I was eighteen. After turning eighteen knowing what was wrong with me and having seen the damage I caused to myself and everyone I loved, I started trying to understand why I thought and acted the way I did. I tried to acknowledge and understand my triggers and also tried seeing the gray area of things rather than seeing everything in black and white. I started expressing myself more when it came to having thoughts and feelings I didn't understand. Talking to my mom and close friends and knowing that they loved me and wanted to help made it easier to reach inside myself and pull parts of me out that had been held in for so long. I finally decided for myself to quit cutting and quit doing heavy drugs. I've been clean for five years from crack which I had an addiction to when I was a teenager. I haven't cut in almost as long. I still struggle with my BPD everyday. I still have bad days. I still find myself thinking ways I shouldn't. I still make mistakes and bad judgments but all I can do is accept this as a part of myself and learn from my mistakes. I'm very lucky to get support from my friends,family,and my boyfriend which can help when I feel I can't deal with my problems alone. I hope one day I'll be even better than I'm doing now. What I do know is that this is a part of me,but this is not all that I am.
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