All the time. Got lost in Lithuania almost cut off by tide in Wales. Chased by gang from pub. The adrenalin buzz only thing yo can do with your luck is push it. Makes you know you are alive.No Fear No Limits No Blame No Shame

I completly uinderstand. My dad drives really scarily and when he is driving fast, I just hope that the car wil skid and crash and he will be fine but I wont be. Then I will be dead and I wouldn't have caused it so people wont be like 'you are so selfish'. But then again, maybe thats not so good. We need to stay strong and fight these feelings. I am glad you wern't murdered :) And I hope you are ok now
Love Jules x

i'm like that, u know i go for many wonders late at night i alwasy put myself in risky situations even if i know the risks involved i go and do it. and i feel the same i want 2 get hurt so i dnt have 2 do it. if that makes sense other time si dnt thinka bout it and just go.
but your def not alone there hun xxx

I use to do things like that when I was in college. My school had a murderer on the lose that was abducting young women. I would sit under my special tree and cry waiting for him to kill me since I didn't have the ability to do it my self. I would also have lots of unprotected sex. I had no idea I would still be around by now or that I would come out disease free from those days. The crazy thing is I would always get myself tested before sleeping with someone else. I was looking out for strangers and not my self. Pretty stupid!
Now I have a strange mixture. I have two wonderful kids and a great husband I want to live for, but I still want to escape the pain. I even convince myself that they would be better without me. This is not true, all four of my boys love me very much. I have a husband, two sons, and a cat.

I work with severly austitic children who had hit, pinch, bite the lot.
When i'm feeling bad i relly wish that they would have behaviour and really hurt me.

I hate that I like to self-abuse. I hate that I take risks with dangerous people. Please though let us keep the innocent free of our desires. I also hate to judge and I guess I am, so hand slap on me, but severely autistic children should be out of the equation when it comes to our own desires of pain. I'm so sorry, I love you I do, but I love children so much. I don't like the idea of children being apart of our desire for pain. I'm so sorry. I don't like to judge. I know I am. I am going to feel terrible about it. I'm already crying. I understand your desire for pain, but can't we keep the pain caused from ourselves and from risks with other dangerous adults. I'm so sorry for saying it the above, but if I didn't I wouldn't be me. I'm just into adults consenting for their own decisions without the involvement of children. I'm sorry. I don't think you are hurting the children. I am sure you are very good to them. I just think we should leave them out of our desire for pain. I'm sorry. I do love and understand, but I had to say it. I am also very emotional right now. Sorry Sorry. Please don't hate me or think that I don't understand the desire for pain.

every single day on the drive 2 school i fantasise about avin a car crash, and i will my dad 2 crash somewhere along the main road. I think it's something a lot of people with BPD live with. x

No you are not alone. Lately I have been feeling suicidal myself. I hate walking around being miserable, and making everyone else miserable too.

wow. I am new on here, I have never talked to someone with BPD before, and I had NO IDEA that my death fantasies/putting myself at risk were part of this. i guess i don't understand it very well yet...I live on a very twisty highway road and like to floor it hoping my car will just end it. also, i dont take drugs very often but when i do it's A LOT at once.

I completely understand - last week I went to see my pschiatrist and afterwards bumped into someone who I was an inpatient with she was very high and manic and I said I would go for lunch with her. She spent the afternoon taking coke and drinking - I got very drunk too and at 2.00 am we were wandering around London I had no idea where I was (don't live in London) I got in her car and allowed her to drive me to a cab office and she continued her journey home very very drunk. I am totally against drink drivers but yet I still allowed her to take me 200 yards to a cab station. The evening let me say was awful and she completely manipulated me (won't go into that now).

Yup, it's actually one of the symptoms listed in the description of BPD.

I do the same by wandering around my neighborhood at night, looking for a fight. Or by walking across the road without checking. It's amazing I haven't died yet. The strange thing is we don't know why we do it... we don't really think about it before we do it, you know? My theories are:

1. Maybe we want to get hurt.

2. We want something to take the focus off the mental pain.

or

3. Life has become so stale and numb that we want something exciting to happen, even if it's dangerous.

The third choice might be the right one for me, since I always love when bad things happen, such as a hurricane, fire, injury, etc. It's a change from the daily crap, and it makes things less painful inside.

Oh, and reason 4 could simply be to die without committing suicide, as several have said. I wish that all the time, but unlike the others, I would prefer my family died with me. You see, I lost my dad, and I know how much it hurts to lose someone, so I wouldn't want my parents to live and suffer like that when I die. When I die, I will hopefully be alone.

I'm a big risk taker. My latest risk was taking a month supply of Ambien. I've been a risk taker for years, even before I was diagnosed with BPD. I suspect I had BPD all along, though, or at least, the features. Another thing I used to do was stay in my car driving most of the time, sometimes very recklessly. I would think, the more I drive, the greater the risk of me getting into an accident, and dying that way. I knew my family and friends would have accepted death by accident much better than death by suicide.

Anyway, things can change. I am currently stable and not taking those risks. It's only when I'm unstable that I tend to do it. For now, I'm safe.