Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hello,
I am so happy that I found this group as I need the comforts of being able to tell my story to others who understand.
In July of 2007, our children whom were 3 and 5 at the time, disclosed information that my father-in-law had molested them. Obviously, they did not use that word but they did show us and the description and the horror of it, explained it all - especially since neither knew much in regards to sex other than "privates". My husband and I were mortified!
My husband and his two older sisters were abused by their father so it was no secret. We had never let the kids stay the night or be with my father and mother-in-law without us with them. This happened in a rental house for a family reunion with 30 people in the house. We were asleep in the room next to the kids. He waited for them in the bathroom late at night. My husband and I harbor much guilt from this because of what happened to him and thought we had safe guards in place to prevent this from happening to our children. My father-in-law supposedly received therapy for what happened 25 years ago and he was "rehabilitated" but found out after the fact that it was a lie. We taught the kids from the time they could talk about good touching and bad touching and I would have never dreamed of such an occurrence happening under the same roof as that many people - HOW BOLD!!!!My father-in-law never got into trouble when it happened to my husband and his sister because their mother always made threats and made them feel as though it would be their fault and he threatened suicide. She is worse then him.
Of course, when we found out, our entire world came crashing down. My husband was part owner for the family business with his mother making around 80k per year. My mother-in-law told us that if we called the authorities we would lose everything. Being a law-abiding citizen - we called the police. Long story short - my husband lost his job, we had to foreclose on our house and are now renting. We spent over 8k in attorneys for both the business and our children and received no justice or my husbands 20% stake in the company (that he mainly built). My father-in-law passed two lie detector tests and passed and out of the blue - the authorities closed the case without a really good reason other than we wouldn't win because there was no DNA or penetration (Thank GOD).
Four months later, my nephew made a similar disclosure during a psych appointment in which my son was present and the psyche had to report it. All of sudden CPS shows up at my house and interviews my son who was heavily medicated due to pneumonia. My husband and I were out of town for a funeral as my 6yo niece died of cancer. My parents were staying with the kids because of the illness. They had petitioned to terminate our rights as parents and I lit them up over the phone because I expected them to show up when the case was open - not four months after it closed. The moron did not do a good job investigating because when we arrived for our preliminary hearing the judge advocate did not know that we had filed a police report within 24 hours of the disclosure. We still had to go through the motions as far as court appointed marriage counseling (because apparently it is very rare in family court to still be married) and were put on a central registry for bad parents. I missed quite a bit of work and had to jump through hoops to get our names off the registry otherwise my husband could not coach or we could not participate in field trips with the school. We were so humiliated and I lost my temper a few times because I could not believe I was there and I didn't commit the crime. The perpetrator and his EVIL wife were still living the high life and carrying on spreading nasty rumors about us. About three months later the charges for us were dropped and we were taken off the list. We tried to get personal protection orders on my mother-in-law because she was driving by our house and trying to get at the kids. They wouldn't give us them. I still feel like someone is watching us from time to time.
So now it has been two years since all of this and I still am very angry. We are one disaster away from being homeless as the economy is not making it easier for my husband to get a good paying job. He makes less than minimum wage and I could lose my job at anytime due to the automotive industry. We are both trying to put ourselves through school and keep the kids in sports to have some normalcy. We have more going out then coming in and I am sick of it and sick that my in-laws live the high life despite what they did (we found out later that my mother-in-law hit the kids and threatened that they would kill us by putting a bullet in our head if they told us.)I just don't think it is fair all the way around.
We did the right thing, right? My husband and I somehow managed to save our marriage, work as a team, listen to the kids, talk about it when they want to, and kept our kids away from them from the moment we dialed the police. We got our butts in gear and went back to school, have jobs and managed to work opposite schedules so not to put either kid in daycare. Why can we not catch a break? Nobody will work with us and I pray everyday that we will not have something re-possessed or a utility shut off. I know that money isn't what is important but it seems to be when you are about to eat dirt and live in a cardboard box. I know the entire country is hurting but it just doesn't seem fair that we did not create this and we paid a HUGE price for doing "the right thing". Any thoughts?
I am so happy that I found this group as I need the comforts of being able to tell my story to others who understand.
In July of 2007, our children whom were 3 and 5 at the time, disclosed information that my father-in-law had molested them. Obviously, they did not use that word but they did show us and the description and the horror of it, explained it all - especially since neither knew much in regards to sex other than "privates". My husband and I were mortified!
My husband and his two older sisters were abused by their father so it was no secret. We had never let the kids stay the night or be with my father and mother-in-law without us with them. This happened in a rental house for a family reunion with 30 people in the house. We were asleep in the room next to the kids. He waited for them in the bathroom late at night. My husband and I harbor much guilt from this because of what happened to him and thought we had safe guards in place to prevent this from happening to our children. My father-in-law supposedly received therapy for what happened 25 years ago and he was "rehabilitated" but found out after the fact that it was a lie. We taught the kids from the time they could talk about good touching and bad touching and I would have never dreamed of such an occurrence happening under the same roof as that many people - HOW BOLD!!!!My father-in-law never got into trouble when it happened to my husband and his sister because their mother always made threats and made them feel as though it would be their fault and he threatened suicide. She is worse then him.
Of course, when we found out, our entire world came crashing down. My husband was part owner for the family business with his mother making around 80k per year. My mother-in-law told us that if we called the authorities we would lose everything. Being a law-abiding citizen - we called the police. Long story short - my husband lost his job, we had to foreclose on our house and are now renting. We spent over 8k in attorneys for both the business and our children and received no justice or my husbands 20% stake in the company (that he mainly built). My father-in-law passed two lie detector tests and passed and out of the blue - the authorities closed the case without a really good reason other than we wouldn't win because there was no DNA or penetration (Thank GOD).
Four months later, my nephew made a similar disclosure during a psych appointment in which my son was present and the psyche had to report it. All of sudden CPS shows up at my house and interviews my son who was heavily medicated due to pneumonia. My husband and I were out of town for a funeral as my 6yo niece died of cancer. My parents were staying with the kids because of the illness. They had petitioned to terminate our rights as parents and I lit them up over the phone because I expected them to show up when the case was open - not four months after it closed. The moron did not do a good job investigating because when we arrived for our preliminary hearing the judge advocate did not know that we had filed a police report within 24 hours of the disclosure. We still had to go through the motions as far as court appointed marriage counseling (because apparently it is very rare in family court to still be married) and were put on a central registry for bad parents. I missed quite a bit of work and had to jump through hoops to get our names off the registry otherwise my husband could not coach or we could not participate in field trips with the school. We were so humiliated and I lost my temper a few times because I could not believe I was there and I didn't commit the crime. The perpetrator and his EVIL wife were still living the high life and carrying on spreading nasty rumors about us. About three months later the charges for us were dropped and we were taken off the list. We tried to get personal protection orders on my mother-in-law because she was driving by our house and trying to get at the kids. They wouldn't give us them. I still feel like someone is watching us from time to time.
So now it has been two years since all of this and I still am very angry. We are one disaster away from being homeless as the economy is not making it easier for my husband to get a good paying job. He makes less than minimum wage and I could lose my job at anytime due to the automotive industry. We are both trying to put ourselves through school and keep the kids in sports to have some normalcy. We have more going out then coming in and I am sick of it and sick that my in-laws live the high life despite what they did (we found out later that my mother-in-law hit the kids and threatened that they would kill us by putting a bullet in our head if they told us.)I just don't think it is fair all the way around.
We did the right thing, right? My husband and I somehow managed to save our marriage, work as a team, listen to the kids, talk about it when they want to, and kept our kids away from them from the moment we dialed the police. We got our butts in gear and went back to school, have jobs and managed to work opposite schedules so not to put either kid in daycare. Why can we not catch a break? Nobody will work with us and I pray everyday that we will not have something re-possessed or a utility shut off. I know that money isn't what is important but it seems to be when you are about to eat dirt and live in a cardboard box. I know the entire country is hurting but it just doesn't seem fair that we did not create this and we paid a HUGE price for doing "the right thing". Any thoughts?
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Predators will get to children no matter what. They are nasty mean people with issues that cannot be healed in most cases. They can't stop. Only a few ever recover and about 90% of those say they still think about having sex with children. It is disgusting. It is not your fault. You did everything you could. At least the children told you before it went on too long. At least you know. There is power in knowing.
Money does make people feel powerful, but it can be taken away. The economy is tough and the bills are adding up. Know in your heart that you did the RIGHT THING! There is no price that can be put upon protecting your children! The anger you feel is natural. You need to find a way to release the anger so that you can find some sort of peace in your life. It wasn't easy for me to find peace. It took several years for me to feel a sense of harmony. It took a lot of loud screams into a pillow. The most therapeutic thing I did was going to sit next to the river. I saw leaves floating on top of the water and going down the river. I pretended that each leaf was someone that I had to let go of. My mother didn't believe me nor my daughter so I released her from my life along with my ex-husband's mother, sister, grandparents and other friends and family. I'm usually not that kind of "natual healing" type, but it worked.
Financial matters are tough and especially when you have another burden. I commend you and your husband for sticking together and supporting one another. You two have built a stronger relationship and will weather any storm. I do believe this is the toughest struggle that anyone has to go through.
I hope that you both contiue with your education because no one can take your knowledge! It will help you get a better paying job. Keep looking for the right job. It will come along. You have to have faith.
Y'all did the right thing and the right things will come your way. You just have to believe! Best wishes.
I surprise even myself with the fact that my husband and I are still together. Because it was his family that abused and his family who controlled our finances - it would have been easy to blame him for the mess. He lost his entire family other than his two sisters and an aunt. When this came to light it was the first time I ever saw him break down and felt the fear he was feeling that I was going to walk out that door. Our therapists also praised us because many couples divorce for much less. I believe we did the right thing and when I go back through it in my head, I don't think that I would have done it differently - it's just that they teach how important it is to tell but then don't tell you what happens when you do.
Thank you for your kind words - it helps that there are people out there that completely understand even though the story may be a little different.
Money is definately tight for everyone right now which just adds more strain to what you are going through. Keep your head up and know that God will provide. You may have to seek some assistance in the meantime, but do what you have to do for your kiddos! They will know that you love them, you have believed them, and you did everything you had to do to keep them safe. Big hugs and I'll be praying for you during this difficult time!