A few things are coming together to take me back to the first days after I found out about my daughter's disclosure, and it isn't pretty. One is stuff I'm doing with my therapist, going back and facing some hurts in the hope of moving past them. Also the one year mark is coming up. Next week my daughter goes again to the camp where she disclosed. Reading the stories of some people new to this board and just starting out. My daughter's counselor is retiring and they are wrapping up her trauma therapy, and I'm worried whether she's being left in a good place, so I'm trying to tie up loose ends there. My daughter liked the counselor but because she ended up in the role of the gatekeeper to when and how much our kids could have contact with each other (and thus whether my son could come home during college breaks), and because the counseling process was delayed so many times and got so drawn out, I have a more complicated relationship with her. I met with just the counselor and myself yesterday and I started to try to reveal to the counselor how things looked from our end in hopes of ending this on better terms, but I was just a mess and couldn't focus during my time with her, now she only has 2 days of work left.
Dang, I don't even know how to post this in an appropriate way. I keep writing and deleting. The counselor agreed with me that the advocacy center had dropped the ball in some important ways in our case and brought me over to meet their director. I could have talked with her right there but I just wasn't ready to do it on the fly, so now I have to contact her and schedule another time. And I'm scared of talking to her. It brings back all the fear and condemnation and shame. I'm so heartbroken at the mistakes I made and angry at the system that should have been helping me but made it worse instead. My thoughts just keep circling around and I can't focus or be at peace. I think I will have to take a sleeping pill for the first time in months, because the last few nights it's only been a few hours. I'm not focusing to pray, I don't care if I eat. Maybe I'm stupid for trying to face all this again.
In the first days after I found out, I didn't think I'd ever set foot in the camp that saw the "confidential" letter where she disclosed to her counselor, even though I have loved that camp since I went there as a kid, and worked there in college. I was too ashamed. I don't blame them for reporting, I know they had to, I just felt such shame at facing someone who knew the awful truth. But within a few weeks I was able to call them and talk a bit, they shared the letter with me. They are probably surprised we came back too. Now I want to meet with the staff that handled the reporting and just let them know how we are doing when we are there. I don't know what to say though. Things aren't wrapped up all nice. But I do want to face them and try to dissipate that shame, also to fill them in because they're probably wondering and worrying about what happened to us.
And while I'm in my own emotional mess, my son is struggling with getting ready to give his apology to my daughter in a couple weeks. He is really sincerely wanting to do it right and honest, it is really hard for him to face the impact of what he's done and the task is really weighing on him. He doesn't talk to me about it so all I can do is pray and keep an eye open for signs of serious depression or suicide. I know both kids want to reconcile with each other but this apology session coming up is a big barrier right now--I hope it when its past they can start the process of coming together and rebuilding their relationship. I feel bad that I'm in such a funk thinking about the past when they are at such a critical step for the future. I know not everyone will see it this way, but I really feel like Satan is throwing me into turmoil to keep me from praying for them. He's been on the attack for at least 8 years for my kids and our family, this is the latest, he doesn't give up. All I can do is ask Jesus to be my champion and fight him off, because I sure can't.
Sorry this is such a mess. I just feel like a mess right now. I have one hour of therapy today, who knows what I can get out of one hour.
I am heading out to take my daughter (and younger son) for a week of camp, the same place she disclosed last year. She definitely wanted to go. I will be staying at a solitude retreat cabin on their property. I did it last year and loved it; this year I'll be working through a lot of therapy journaling, reading books that I don't want people to see me reading in real life (memoires of...
My 7 year old nephew was down visiting my parents house for the week. My mom walked upstairs and found the two of them naked behind the couch. My son who is 4 almost 5 didn't say much to my mother about what happened.She called me and i immediately went over. My son and I have a good relationship and after telling him that he wasn't in trouble and he could tell me anything he told me...